Continue.

(to change and be changed)

jinxx554.blogspot.com

Lines and circles.

How...is that...possible?

2 weeks... (that's a long time for break but...)
its how long she had to live when they found the cancer.
she was only a freshman.
...in high school.

what exactly do you do, if you know you are going to die soon?

(the power is going to die soon.)
(i keep typing.)

the storm outside mimics my heart.
pouring, a chaotic combination of raindrops and tears,
whirling around in the air.
the wind knocking life around. giving it, taking it.
thunder clashes, like the shock of knowing she will never...
she will never dance at prom, she will never graduate, she will never go to college, or travel the world.
she will never be as old as me. even as young as I am. She will never.

no, I didn't know her...very well.
no, she wasn't my "friend," but she was someone's best friend.
I, maybe, formally met her once. It doesn't matter.

We all wonder why...
is it chance that determines life and death?
is it greater purpose?
is it choice? do we will ourselves to life or death based on our decisions? if so, what decisions, and how are we to know?
is it some simple random sample? an experiment from something greater we don't know?
are we lab rats in a complex model?

when we die, do we die?
or do we live..
in a different form, in a different place?
do we cease to exist completely, our souls discarded along with our bodies?
do we go to heaven, or hell?
what is that anyway?
do we meet God?
or do we find out that we already knew him? in every person, blade of grass, thought, or theory?


i like to believe, that even though I was further along than them in life, and even though they will never see what I got to see, that now they are further along than any of us. Or that they are with us again in different form? or that, at least, that are at peace with the life they had, and whatever is to come.

(RIP Morgan.)


"At each end..."

I'm 100% not kidding when I say...

I literally think I am losing my mind.

I have sufficient reason to believe I am suffering from short-term memory loss. My brain isn't fully functional.

Maybe it is a temporary thing, but I know something is wrong.

calculation:

Jogging to U.S.E. in the moonlight > school.

making plans

is a mistake.

I just need to

chill the fuck out.

What the fuck

was I thinking?! I can't chop wood!

.y .ti .laer ||| real. it. y.

my mind and my body are probably trying to tell me something. . .

i don't eat, i don't sleep, i don't shower.
that was today.
over the past few weeks i have either had days like today or periods of time where i eat too much, sleep too much, and wash my hands and face constantly, but still hardly ever shower.
i've been crying every night.
my dreams are becoming uncontrollably mixed and confused with reality.
i'm too hot. then too cold. and it changes all too fast.
i've been cleaning like a crazy person.
i hardly care what i wear anymore.
i lose the day, sitting in front of the computer or the Tv. even though i hate it.
i've been making lots of lists, but keep forgetting to do things anyway.
i seriously feel isolated. even with human interaction, i feel distant and un-attentive.
i don't look people in the eyes anymore, (i hardly even listen to what they are saying).
i can't just plow through work like i use to; my ability to focus long-term is completely gone.
my procrastination has never been this bad.
i suddenly have this invincibility complex
and my self-esteem is bi-polar.
i'm hyper-aware, but un-focused.
i'm exhausted, but not tired at all. (i could easily pass out right now, or stay awake all night without an effort. i feel like i could run a marathon without an effort, but the mere thought makes me want to lay in bed all day and recover from the run i didnt take).
i'm even clumsier than normal.
i look at things, recogonize them, mentally acknowledge them, but still feel like i'm not seeing them as they are.

do i sound crazy yet? or is all of this normal for you?
it isnt normal for me.

oh, one more thing. a good thing at least:
i have this heightened desire to create (and decorate);

to be creative beyond my acknowledged ability.

i don't know what this all means, or if it means anything at all. i just feel like i'm being spun around really fast so that everything in me going haywire.

can the world...

cut me a break?


today just sucked. especially the end. oh, wait, the end isn't near, because i have the REDO my whole paper.

anyway, after Matt left, I headed up to the Greenery to eat lunch and it was closed. I tried to cook lunch at the apartment but I couldn't because the kitchen was such a disaster, and there were no clean dishes. I did my part, my chore, cleaning the counters, wiping everything down, putting the clean dishes away (multiple times this week), and i even took the trash out, and swept the floor, which were not part of my job. But then there were so many dirty dishes there was no way I could even start cleaning them cause the sinks were so full. And so there was no way I was going to be able to cook anything, so, long story short, i was starving.

Then in the library, after I finally got food, and after Nina and Ben had left, some girl knocked my USB drive and kinda popped it sideways. I took it out to push it back into place, and put it back in and it worked fine. so i saved my paper onto it. then, saved my paper onto the computer (i thought on my MASU, but apparently not). Then I headed down to lower campus to scan something for Nygil. I came back up to the library for a study session (that nobody else showed up for). After doing some other work and taking a nap while waiting, i decided to head down to my room to finish the paper i had been working on in the computer lab. When I got down there I noticed I didn't have my USB drive (in my hurry to help Nygil and get back to upper campus I left it in the computer lab). I thought, "fine, I'll just take a nice jog back up, grab it, and jog back down to finish the paper." Well, I jogged up, and saw it wasn't in the computer I had been using, so I went to the desk, and they had it, but the guy said he had tried it and it wasn't working. I decided to try it in a computer, and he was right, it didn't work. So then I went and searched on Masu and found the very beginning of my paper, but nothing close to what I had last saved. The guy on the computer that I had been on before let me search that one, on his account, but that didn't work. So now I have to wait until he logs off to see if somehow it is on the computer, on my account.

If it isn't, I'm gonna lose my mind.

I'm exhausted. We have another stupid test tomorrow.
And I'm living in this state, recently, of just utter confusion about myself, and the world as a whole.
I don't know what to do right now.

I just need to get through this week, but right now, that doesnt even seem like a realistic endeavor.

This week:
Bill Tracking paper (tonight)
Review for test (tonight)
Do self-eval, teacher evals, program eval (by Friday)
Do a number on my Research Design, and get it ready for presentation (by Thursday)
Figure out what I am doing next quarter and register (by Wednesday)


I feel better now that I have written it all out. But nothing annoys me more than having to redo stuff that I put alot of effort into (like that stupid statistics test last week).

...
sorry, i just got stunned.
...wtf?
I didn't know something like could make me see stars.
(Oh, and speaking of being stunned, my dreams in the past two nights, have been so shocking and bizarre, like I couldn't even explain.)

well, now I'm crying. in the middle of the fucking computer lab.
But, I was knocked back to life for a second and think I have some motivation now.
I'm just gonna have to start over; chill out, suck it up, and start over.

woah...

literally like 4 people just bombarded me asking for advice all at once. I am perfectly happy to help everyone, it was just like... wow! kinda intense, because it happened so fast.

i guess it is a bad night for people. :(
I'm sorry everyone.

you will be better.

all of you.
and me too.

so we need to remember that.
it will be okay.

Sunshine.

drained. so fucking drained.
smack me with your skateboard kid, as you pass me.
knock me with your elbow other guy, as you walk by.
wake me up.
shake me to life.

i'm tired.

i need conversation. substantial conversation.
Not about alcohol. not about school projects. not about registration.

I wish someone could see me,
talk to me
shake me awake.
to life. out of this haze. this phase?
i don't know, at all.

I can't even hear you anymore.
Its all noise. Meaningless.

Maybe its this place; These people.
Or maybe its me.
Or an incompatibility between the two.
Whatever it is,
it drains me. Of life. of time. of meaning.

I will find something.
It will be like a bolt of lightning,
a jolt. of life, into time, into meaning.
That's maybe what I need.

-----
sunshiny today
"sunshine in a bag"
"lost in the sun, can anybody find their home?"

bullshit.

i got 3 hours of sleep last night.

they fucking canceled tomorrows field trip today. :...(
and replaced it with 5 hours of class, along with a second statistics final. wtf?
so basically, tomorrow is gonna suck.

went to the academic fair and fell in love with Ecology and the Built Environment,
but i can't take spanish...
so that screws that up.

and this scheduling decision-making is killing me.



i want to just pass out and forget everything, but i need to work on shit, and... uhgg. trying to figure out what i want for next quarter.


right now, today, i am just hating evergreen. :/

losing my immunization form.
putting ariana through all the meal plan shit.
not offering classes that work together.




on the bright side, seminar was pretty good today, considering we got to go to Martha's house and she cooked us a buffet of mexican food. then we chilled and played cards instead of discussing the seminar book. so that was good.

anywho.. im gonna go lay on my bed, and if there is any work i can do from there, it might get done. but i might just pass out.
with any luck, i will have a good dream about the field trip since it isn't happening anymore.

.

i feel broken

tired

disgusting.


yea. i am disgusting myself, with my inability, my inconsistency.
i un-think, over-think, rethink.


i only know so much. okay?
i only know that i love you.
and i only know myself well enough to know something.
i don't know exactly what that something is. but i tell you what i do know, even though there are no actual words to express it.

i hate myself for causing you any pain. it makes me want to disappear.




gah, i am just so tired.
i'm falling apart.

My life through music.

Assignment: Think of 25 albums that had such a profound effect on you, throughout the various times in your life. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. When you finish, tag 25 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good.

No being cool here -- which albums have you actually listened to thousands of times?
Readers should feel free to guess (or ask) why particular albums are there.


1. "Something About Airplanes" & "We Have the Facts..." - Death Cab for Cutie [8th and 9th grade. still two of my favorite DCFC albums. for up and down times.]

2." The Photo Album" - Death Cab for Cutie [this one has a different feeling for me, but i listened to it heavily in 8th and 9th grade along with the two above.]

3. "Transatlanticism" - Death Cab for Cutie. [9th grade. nonstop, obsession. snowboarding.]

4. "Plans" - Death Cab for Cutie. [summer before sophomore year. tony.]

5. "Narrow Stairs" - Death Cab. [Matt. Senior year. good point of my life.]

5. "Alive 2007" - Daft Punk. [senior. good dance times. so much greatness.}

6. "Busted Stuff" - Dave Matthews Band. [i listened to this a lot in 7th grade, when Jasmine gave me the album. it was full of pain, and i was highly unhappy because my mom was always gone.]

7. "Let Go." - Avril Lavigne. [7th grade. soccer trips, on which we listened to "sk8er boi" so much my dad learned the lyrics,... walking to the bridge. moving...]

8. "Mesmerize" and "Hypnotize" - System of a Down. [10th grade. Tony and i were hooked and went to the concert at key arena.]

9. "Waking the Fallen" - Avenged Sevenfold. [this is what me and tony would listen to in his room, every day after school in 9th grade while we played video games or cuddled.]

10. "Take off your Pants and Jacket" - Blink 182. [on the way to summer camp with Danne, Caitlin and Jasmine. on road trips to portland with my mom in middle school.]

11. "Blink 182" [Tony, before and after]

12. "Drunk Enough to Dance" - Bowling for Soup. [8th grade. :P so hardcore.]

13. "X and Y" - Coldplay [visiting Oregon. being so lost. end of 10th grade. hell. tony... losing tony.]

14. "Eiffel 65" [5th grade end of the year dance party. bringing a boombox over and playing basketball at the neighbors house. --names? rick and nancy? don and jan?]

15. "Fallen" -Evanescence [moving. crying. Kody.]

16. "American Idoit" -Green Day [Tony. I got it for xmas and listened to it while playing Super Mario Sunshine. Also went to the show in some arena north of seattle with Tyler, and Tony.]

17. "Razorblade Romance" -HIM [exactly what it says. darkest parts of my life..and i was happy there too. one of the only albums i still can't listen to without crying...]

18. "The Great Milenko" -Insane Clown Posse [hahaha...so bizarre...but that was 8th grade. Me and Tony at Steven and Jason's house playing Backyard Wrestling. Caitlin.]

19. "Hopes and Fears" -Keane [ehh, that had to be 10th grade. listened to it non-stop. i was so in love with the sound of it. saw Keane at Deck the Hall Ball w/ Modest Mouse, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand right when they were all about to explode into their giant success. except... Keane. But i still love em!]

20. "Meteora" -Linkin Park [when i was about to move from Oregon in 7th grade. i was so angry. so depressed. that was just the beginning though...]

21. "The Spirit Room" -Michelle Branch [I remember walking Peekaboo this one day. we walked all around Sunriver, up to Fort Rock, tennis courts, down to the bridge...we went to see the lunar eclipse, which i dont remember staying for. but we did see the sunset. i was listening to this album the whole time. it was one of the most beautiful days of my life.]

22. "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" -My Chemical Romance [i really appreciated the music.. and listened to it all the time, at Tony's house, and for some reason it reminds me of Bend... i donno.]

23. "The War on Errorism" -NOFX [tony. fun times. he use to have a dance to the Anarchy Camp song. haha.]

24. "Indestructible" -Rancid. [8th grade. it reminds me of Justin and Buzz, especially 'Fall Back Down.']

25. "No Pads, No Helmet...Just Balls" - Simple Plan. [ahahahaha. wow. yea, reminds me of road trips back to Oregon with Mom.]

well fuck... I'm not even close to done yet.

26. "North" and all Something Corporate albums up to it. [9th and 10th grade. lots and lots.]

27. "All Killer No Filler" -Sum 41. [totally 7th grade. all the time.]

28. "Give Up" -Postal Service [10th grade. it was my chill out, and breathe, music.]

29. "We Don't Need to Whisper" - Angels and Airwaves [came out right before Tony left me. it really inspired me to be okay.]

30. "The Shade of Poison Trees" -Dashboard Confessional [driving with Matt.]

31. "The Real Slim Shady" & "The Marshall Mathers LP" [7th grade. 8th grade. i really enjoyed. now i really appreciate it.]

32. "Flyleaf" [summer after 10th grade. still missing Tony. it helped.]

33. "Light Grenades" -Incubus [Matt]

34. "Make Yourself" -Incubus [Nygil]

35. "In Between Dreams" and "Sleep through the Static" -Jack Johnson [NOW! I am sooo obsessed. snowboarding, its what i listen to]

36. "Grace" -Jeff Buckley [Josh...]

37. "Cross" -Justice [senior year. it helped me survive. especially the concert!]

38. "Satellite" - POD [inspiration throughout highschool. mainly the first half.]

39. "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" -PANIC at the Disco. [Mexico! warmth. revenge. fun. . .]

40. "Dark Side of the Moon" -Pink Floyd. [uhh... life. but mostly Junior year, which was hell, and this album was my heaven.]

41. "Stadium Arcadium" -Red Hot Chili Peppers [Nygil. Oregon. obsession.]

42. "We are Pilots" - Shiny Toy Guns [senior year. driving in Brian's car home from school.]

43. "Dan in Real Life Soundtrack" -Sondre Lerche [Matt. totally wonderful point in time.]

44. "Act I & II" - The Dear Hunter [thoughts. senior year.]

45. "How to Save a Life" -The Fray [a bundle of things are reminded of: Nygil. Kody. and being completely alone.]

46. "Wincing the Night Away" - The Shins [Matt & our sleeping lessons.]

47. "The Alchemy Index" -Thrice [this pretty much defines my life and world view.]

48. "U.S.E." - The United State of Electronica [good times with Nathan, Amanda, Zak and Alex.]

49. "Twilight Soundtrack" -various [this is just something i listen to a lot currently, and really enjoy.]

50. "Into the Woods Soundtrack" -Stephen Sondheim [pit orchestra, the end of me and Tony's relationship.]



yup. that was a bit overkill. but that is a good majority of my life, as lived and defined through music. ^_^

i just,

i want to run away.







"the remnants of a shooting star landed directly on our broken down little car, before then we had made a wish that we would be missed if one or the other did not even exist."

how deep is it?

the puddle? it looks really deep. and i want to step in it.

It doesnt matter.


Today is different. was. the Sky was different. there was rain. with thin clouds, that let just enough light through to remind me of some where else, some time other.
California. That is what it reminded me of.
Speaking of California, James is on his way. Actually, he is probably just about there by now. It wasnt as hard to say goodbye to him as I thought, and maybe that is because of the possibility of him coming back for a while, or maybe it was because he makes me so mad. Or maybe it was just because I know it won't be forever. In any case, it was easier than expected.
What was hard though, was saying goodbye to my mom this morning. I probably won't see her for 3 weeks or so, and that bothers me. I like seeing her every weekend, and... I am slightly worried about the dangers of this job she is doing. *shakes head* she will be fine. She always is.

Well, today is different.
the sky.
james left
and, i didnt have my paper done on time (strange for me).
i feel different.
i'm quiet again.
i'm okay with being here though, for once.
and tonight, i am actually going to have fun (girls night with Aja).



last night. stayed up til 4. or later. working on paper, hanging out with alicia, talking.
it was nice. i really like spending time with her. she has no expectations of me, and we just talk, or not talk, but we spend good, quality time together. and it is peaceful.

the dream last night.
(just the thought gets my heart racing)
I was hardly half asleep.
there were these colorful bubbles. ... not bubbles. balls. ... not balls. spherical clouds, that weren't permeable like clouds.
whatever they were, these spheres, were moving around in these lines, and multiplying. and whoever was controlling them, was evil. and scary.
this musical tune i had never heard, yodeling. on repeat. trying to trick us into believing this was okay, and happy. not ominous.
but it was scary. and the music hypnotized me, and the others. it took control.
the spheres, kept multiplying and moving in these circular motions, and patterns around this screen.
suddenly, we were part of it. they were surrounding us. multiplying and closing in. it was fast, but slow motion, because i had time to think about what was happening. we were about to be suffocated. we? i was about to...
everyone else, they were gone. already enveloped by these now white bubble-spheres which were slowly closing in on me. cocooning me, from the bottom up.

I remember last, seeing the sky disappear. just this one open patch that closed slowly enough that i could glimpse the bright blue sky, and try to remember.

but then it was dark.

I jolted awake, but stayed laying with my eyes closed. "that was weird"

but then, recollecting the claustrophobia, and the last of the sky I shot up and opened my eyes, only to find more darkness.
it was closing in. i was still stuck.
slowly my eyes adjusted, and i found the familiar shapes of my room in the dark, but they were still closing in.
i panted, and stood up, unthinkingly, and flung the door open to escape the room.
the hall was even smaller, and i ran down it, trying to find some place that would open up.
at the end of the hall was the loft area at the top of the stairs which opens into high ceilings.
upon feeling this openness i quickly averted in the guest room. this room is small. but the walls weren't moving, and the moon-light on the wall that i had lit for the kitties, woke me up.
i stood there in the doorway, dazed.
bells. the cats were by my parents door. "good. im not alone anymore."
but without seeking more comfort in them, i turned back down the hallway to my room.
took a sip of water, to try to jolt my mind back to full consciousness (if you want to call it that).
i sat back, and shut my eyes but quickly had to change plans because the darkness of the cocoon was still there.
i had to keep my eyes open.
told my story to Alicia, to try to find some more solace in this reality.
... well. "that's crazy" she said. "just before you got up, i had this strange, overwhelming bad feeling of evil around me."


i don't remember anything else.

Ewoks!!!

I found this on someone else's blog.






This is how I wanna live. XD

Something is happening.

Change.
I've been feeling it vexing inside,
outside. The wind, the sun and the rain.
I know change happens all the time. But this is something bigger.
It will probably be nothing you or I can see, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.
I can feel it anyway.

Create.

Fate.

So,

I need a Death Cab concert. Now.
So I can scream these lyrics
at the top of my lungs.

"little swinger, your bottle is thinking too much"

probably.
way too much.
for one person.

:/

my mind is severely screwed up right now.
nothing is connecting.
i keep losing pencils too.
rather than having a brain in my head right now, i have mush.

someone needs to slap me awake.

Phone Draft. Dinner.

#1
I'm so weak. But
It's hard. To write an essay in a strange house, with strange people. To focus when strange people are saying things that make you hate them. To hate them. To socialize with strange people you hate. To hate someone and not let them know. To not know someone and still hate them. To sit across from someone you don't know but still hate... while holding a steak knife for the steak you won't order.


#2
This is a small Box, where big dreams shrink to fit. your expectations. Egos don't shrink though. They don't need to. Big egos fit like Russian Dolls inside the small Box. Fit like millions of your dollar bills stacked face to face. Egos are not made of fluffy clouds shaped like dreams. Egos are flat. They fit in the wallet. They fit in the Box. But they don't fit in your head. They swell it up, like a reaction. My reaction: box me up, smaller, away from you. I hide in a box, from egos. And dreams don't fit.

February 2nd.

:)

February 1st.

Its been a year since that night when everything converged,

and then it all fell apart.

Haras.

oh, this is brilliant.

evvvvverything was perfect. i can't believe how perfect it was.
yr cottnaw em sekam ti


anyway,
i used to be psychic.
ohcysp.
both.

now, just one.
eb yam



i don't understand how I can be so at peace, but so angry.
it makes my head turn around and upside-down
sdraw kcabd na.


oh i'm so tired.

I'm gonna go read about psychos now.
Sarah Canary. Its soo cool. Its about a mental institution in Steilacoom and this new girl named Sarah who disappears all the time when people are talking to her and they turn around for a sec and then turn back and she is gone. Yea, that doesnt do it justice, but fuckit, im tired.
but the writing is so poetic, and there is sooooo much synchronicity (like Poisonwood) AH! SO BEAUTIFUL! Maybe I am the only one who loves that kinda thing.
And books/movies about jail and mental institutes. I ADOREEEE! The Fixer, Cuckoos Nests, Shawshank...ect. But yea.. psychos...Sarah Canary. Gooood boook. (and im only like... 3 chapters in).

OH, speaking of psychos! (And Sarahs?)
today i was working with Martha and she brought me to the library and we were working with a librarian who i thought she introduced as something fairly normal, but not Sarah.
Okay, but then throughout the time we were working around this one computere and they were showing me how to use this website and Martha would be telling me something, and shed be like "oh when you're working, just come back and ask Sarah if you need help cause i will be in a meeting."
and I'd be like "okay"
and then the librarian would address me and she'd be like "ok, do you understand how to do this now, Sarah?" and I just nodded not really knowing what the fuck was going on with the names.
and so like, Martha was calling the librarian Sarah (even though I am positive sure she introduced her as something else). and then the librarian was calling me Sarah even though I clearly introduced myself as Alex (twice). WTF!? and no one was correcting eachother, but I appeared to be the only one who EVEN NOTICED that something was weird.
I MUST be crazy.

...whelp. i think i will write some more this weekend. and then i am about ready for a new blog. cause... i donno. last year...this time...change. everything. it feels right.
peace.

A Change.

I woke up to a morning where there was movement within the stillness,
Refreshing, energizing, hopeful.



I woke up to an afternoon where the sun not only lit up the world, but made it glow,
Shining, glinting, beautiful.

emit.

lonely tonight. just feeling down.

and I shouldn't. Tomorrow is Obama's inauguration. That is exciting in itself, and doubly so because Bush is out.

But, I am still reading Random Family. That is probably why I feel disgusted. Cause, switching between watching reality shows with my family and reading about poverty and heartbreak during commercials... well I guess that is good reason to feel pretty gross. I still have like 100 pages in the book and then my essay to write by Wednesday. That's pretty manageable, but I have other work too...and I just don't feel motivated. Not to mention I need to figure out whether or not I am switching out of my apartment. I think I am going to apply to move, and see what comes up, because I'm just sick of the current situation. And it is nothing that can be changed in reality. So I don't understand why I should waste my time and energy trying to change it. Although, I don't really have the time or energy to try to move all my shit either.

Matt is moving dorms too. Man, if I got the room he is moving into, well... it would be different (because it is SO small) but for some reason, I absolutely love it. I probably couldn't live in there comfortably, but somehow it seems so ideal...for...something, someone. It is just, feels secluded, even though it isn't. It has a great view, and lots of options for decorating. Small, narrow, cute...cozy? Whatever it is, I hope it suits him.

Hmm, I miss him already. It's only been a few hours since he left.

Trying to decide if I should go work at the Science Camp with Josh this summer. 6 weeks, good pay, airfare and living expenses paid, outdoorsy, can do photography or be a cabin leader... or do both. Plus I can spend time with Josh, which is nice.
I just don't want to be away from Matt. Or my parents, or Nathan and Becca, or my pets, or my friends.... ugg. And I don't want to be away for the heart of summer... missing 4th of July, or anything.
I'm submitting the application (it is already late but I am sure with Josh's word, I will get in). We will see what happens. But I am afraid. It would be my first time across the country, and the longest time away from home. The thought is making me tear up.
I'm not a wimp, I just think about everything, and I don't know what I will really want at the time. I have opportunities like this... but I haven't taken one so far. Am I crazy?
I have two fears: One is that I am not living. And two is that if I go out and seek these experiences that might make me feel alive, that I will be missing out on the most important things...like, family and home and being with the people I love.

I'm so tired. I need time to sleep, and think, and read, and write, and pack, and clean, and work, and relax, and forgive, and talk, and heal, and kiss, and feel, and love.
everything
everyone.

Stuck

Inside this place, this hell. Walls of a ward, where we belong.

Same as always. As sane as always. None at all.

Neon lights, cycling as reminders, that we are...

Better idea,

WHAT?!

Home

I being home; family, friends, matt, kitties, doggies, no smoke, good food. :)

About me.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged . You have to tag the person who tagged you.

Hmm...fuck "tagging" people...sorry, but I am doing this through my blog anyway. Just read it if you want and do your own if you wish it. ^_^

1) I'm obsessed with movies but if someone else suggests a movie to me, or really wants me to see a particular movie I avoid it at all costs -- even though I know if I end up watching it I will love it.

2) I want a tattoo really bad, but I don't know what to get, and I am afraid that if I get one I won't like it later in life, or that the person who does it will mess up. And I worry that it will be too painful, even though people tell me otherwise.

3) Speaking of pain, I am really intolerant. I think I might die in childbirth, because I sometimes get really bad stomach aches and I get dizzy and almost pass out, and while I am in that state of mind I always think about giving birth and wonder if there could possibly be a worse pain I could endure.

4) Much of my life --the things I do, the way I am-- is because of fear. I am trying to get over that because I don't want to let fear drive my life. But my conscience is sometimes my worst enemy.

5) Speaking of fear, I am also VERY superstitious. Not all of it is fear-ridden superstition, but I am pretty "paranoid" much of the time.

6) I have like, massively embarrassing OCD sometimes. Usually at night. Which is one of the reasons I avoid going to sleep because then I have to make sure everything is perfect and I kinda hate that "ritual"

7) I hating having lots of things. I am slowly getting rid of more and more of the shit I own, but sometimes it is hard due to emotional attachment. I am also afraid of forgetting anything, and I don't want to give something away that is attached to a memory, in fear of losing that memory.

8) "I am absolutely terrified of flying. Every time I get on a plane, I anticipate never getting back off." -Amanda. Well that is the same for me. I also worry every time my parents or someone else I know fly. I actually think it is arrogant and illogical to not be afraid of riding in a couple tons of fiberglass being hurtled through the air... maybe that is just me.

9) I am irrevocably OBSESSED with Twilight. And I don't give a flying fuck what you people think of that. The story is like... one of my fantasies. Everything about the movie and the book, I am in love with. I am also anxiously anticipating getting through all the books but I am trying to pace myself since I know eventually there will be none left to read. People say it is bad acting and bad writing. I guess I am just not that critical. Or maybe I just have different standards.

10) I am a virgin. And actually, I have very little, to absolutely no desire to have sex anytime soon, or even ever. Is that weird? Oh well. That's me. XD

11) I've never smoked pot, or done any illegal substance. I like it that way. Haha.. besides, if you saw me tonight, or on many occasion, you would realize that I don't need drugs to get high, or to have fun. I like myself, and my mind, substance free. ^_^

12) I've never been drunk. I don't really like the taste of alcohol... though occasionally a sip of wine or any alcoholic beverage is desirable. ha, except after that sip, I remember why I hate it in the first place.

13) Sometimes I believe I might be prone to depression (the whole chemical imbalance thing), but many times I also think that I am just too aware of the world to not be insane. You know how lots of brilliant people are also psychotic? I am not saying I am brilliant, (maybe I just have different perceptions of the world) but I am saying that I am a bit psycho... and many-a-time I truly believe I should be locked away.

14) It makes me sick when the majority of the conversations surrounding me are about sex and drugs. Maybe that is because I can't relate, or maybe it is because I wish I could be hearing more intellectual conversations which I could perhaps participate it.

15) I know I can't dance worth a deuce. But that don't mean I won't shake it anyway.

16) I want to visit every continent and every state. And perhaps also sail around the world (I have a love affair with water --namely the ocean). I also want to live in Antarctica for part of my life.

17) I like to walk around listening to music. It makes me feel like I'm in a movie. Additionally, I love walking around, listening to music, jump into giant puddles and get soaking wet. Especially when i am super angry. Being outside when feeling emotion is like being connected to the world in a whole new way. Being angry in the rain is like the whole natural world knows what you are feeling and is feeling it with you, and letting you stomp around, kicking the ground and punching the trees while all the while getting soaked to the bone and becoming refreshed from the release of emotion.

18) I cry in lots of movies. Movies that it doesn't really make too much sense to cry in... if it gets to me, it really gets to me. I also love movies (and situations) that make me laugh uncontrollably. Ahh, the release.

19) Music. I think most people feel an indesribable connection to music, so I don't really know what to say about it. But it is definitely something that helps describe who I am.

20) I want to go to space. Simple as that. I am so fascinated by the prospect of what lies beyond the world, beyond what most people witness throughout their lives.. the prospect of other life.. the prospect of infinity. It baffles my mind. And, it'd also be cool to be a Jedi, or a crew member of the Enterprise. yup yup. outerspace.

21) I believe in a balance in the universe. I believe in karma. I believe in love, and peace. I believe in some form of magic (though, not the typical association of the word). I believe in universal rights and acceptance. I believe in the power of the natural world and the elements. I don't believe in a 'god,' because the connotation of that word is so loaded with excess meaning. But I believe in a power, beyond comprehension, and even beyond the full grasp of imagination. But mostly, I believe in love. :)

22) Unfortunately, I also believe there are some people the world would be better off without. People who hunt for mere sport. People who have shut their minds to change and possibility and differences. People who believe in their ideology so powerfully that they feel it is within their right to take a life. Perhaps, the world would not be balanced without these people, but perhaps it would be more balanced if these people would find some balance and humility within themselves.

23) I believe true love never dies. And I also believe there are many different types of love, and different people feel certain things in different situations. Therefore, one person's love can never be better than anothers, because they can't really be compared. It's just that one type of love might be more ideal for one person than it is for another.

24) Sometimes I wish I was more like other people and sometimes I wish other people were more like me. And even other times I am glad such things are the way they are.

25) There is so much left to say. I love color. and black and white. I love card games and board games. I love books, and usually cry whenever I read a novel. My favorite things to shop for are clothes. I still sleep with a stuffed animal or two, but ALWAYS at least one: Timber, the wolf my mom gave me when I passed second grade. I love being at home. I miss high school but I know I was miserable and I would once again be miserable if I returned. But sometimes I also miss that misery. I hate germs and thusly I wash my hands alot and don't sit on bare toilet seats (except at home). I can't cook worth anything, though I stopped trying after a couple bad batches of cookies and pancakes and mac&cheese. I am a pack rat (but like i said, trying to break the habit). I still have roses from Tony from like 3 or 4 years ago. I love all animals and I can't even stand hurting an insect. I'm a tree hugger...no, not a "tree hugger!" I literally like to hug trees! (But I guess i am a "tree hugger" too since I am an advocate of environmental health). I am in love with Matt, so very much.

Hmm, I could go on forever. I amexhausted and this is probably way more than anyone is going to read. :) But it was fun, to be completely open and honest. I feel refreshed and ready to sleep.

beginning to end

Rachel showed up on the "People You May Know" on myspace just now...
somehow that seems wrong, since even if I clicked "add as a friend," it would always be pending. And it is strange to think that her myspace will always be there, but she never will.
It was over a year ago now, since her death. A year and 5 days.
I am a year older, and she never will be.
...
I was about to write a blog about how not much has changed this year, since i started Jinxx553 on January 1st, 2008. And this was going to be my last post on this blog. My first post was about Rachel as well. While trying to think what to write, i checked myspace and there her picture was. A picture that I probably looked at a year ago today, and tried to fathom all these ideas about death. The idea that said picture will be how she is remembered... no older. No different.

I am thinking about how my life is different, or not. And what it means to age and grow, rather than die. What it means that I had a whole year to find truth and meaning and all these things that maybe Rachel never found. (Maybe nobody ever found.) I must have been thinking that not much has changed along the lines of how I feel about myself and the world. But that's weird. My life seemed to have flipped completely: I found a wonderful person who loves me and who I love back. I was accepted to college. I had a most perfect and amazing Prom. I graduated. My cat ran away. I almost would have rather been homeless than live at home, but then I moved to college and suddenly realized I'd rather be at home than most anywhere else. I voted for the first time. Obama won. My mom had two heart surgeries, and finally things for her, and the whole family, are getting back to "normal" (whatever that means).
What I mean is, things have changed in my life, but have I changed? Have I let the world change me?

These past couple of days, maybe about a week, I have felt like I have been changing...not by choice though. It has been like growing pains, except not physical... and not necessarily growing. (Well, all changes are growth in some way but that isn't what I mean). I mean I feel like I was/am growing into a different person, I guess, but that still isn't exactly it, because obviously I am the same person. But yea, growing pains is a good analogy because obviously things inside me were changing that I couldnt control, or even understand sometimes.

Have I let the world change me? Ben said in my yearbook: "As we all bend under the suppression of our societies you seem to take the blows standing. Not unphased, not unaffected, but injured with integrity. Inexorably true to yourself, you let the world hurt you when others run to masks, shells or other fake, cowardly visages."
So, on the surface, this might contradict itself. But I think it makes sense. And it is true about me ...complex, but true. And it shows that I am influenced by the world around me... like everyone else. But... have I learned to let it change me? I think I have, even if I was resistant at times..
And I do agree. I am different than the people who surround me. Not just different (because we are all different). But I feel I am fundamentally separated from the way everyone else is, mentally i mean. Either that, or I am crazy. Well, I guess they are the same thing.

None of this matters. I am moving on to a new blog, if nothing else for the reason that this one is quite full. A year was enough to fill it.

Maybe tonight just isnt the right night for this.
But I think this is done. Full circle and fine.
Fulfilled and true, as much as anything else.
I'm tired. And I don't know where I am going from here. But I will go. I will flow. "Like water" she says.

Alchemy

Why not?

The biggest question in my book right now. But its not what you think. It is a question to everything, but it is only 1 thing really, which is not a question, but something else rather. 1 thing comprised of a million things, just like you and me. So it is a person? Well, that is true, yes. But it is not just a person. It is not just anything. It is everything. It is the one thing that really matters. The one that is everywhere. I believe that. But is it one? Or is it two? Or three, or four, or a million for that matter? Or more? Or is it one, unified, flowing? Mixed, synced how I like it? Oh, that does drive me towards insanity. A mind can only take so much. Too much knowledge and one will lose it all. Maybe our capacity isn't what we thought. Our capacity for love might be endless, as I thought. Or it might be nothing at all. But either way, our capacity for information is different. As for emotion. Cry, scream, bleed; we have to let it out somehow. Laugh too. And talk - gossip, lie, spill a secret. (The gun isn't an expression of emotion... only the energy we exert in pressing the trigger.) We are only human. There is only so much we can take. There is only one life we can have, because two or more would kill us (our souls I mean). Or maybe that is just me. Or anyone else who happens to accept their humanity rather than trying to mask it, or pretend that it is more than it is.
The problem is, you are gone. But not really, you don't have to be. (But neither did she.) Well it is all choices.
It is all questions.
It is all connected.
Why not?

Better.

Its amazing how unhappy stress (and stupid people) can make me. I am so much happier when I am here, at home, with no stupid essays to write every night, no dumb conversations, no dorm drama, no having to look for some fresh air to breath.

Here is better.
I have time to myself. And time for everything else that I love to do.
Time to just think, and then suddenly realize how wonderful I feel, and how happy I really am. It is hard to realize that under the many certain circumstances I live under at Evergreen. I know it can be different there, and I am sure eventually it will be. But for now, I like it better here. I want to continue coming home every weekend. Most people at school don't really seem to like that I do... but why shouldn't I? There is no reason to stay, when I am much more happy here.

so

im so drained.
i cant imagine coming back to this place.

i so hate trying to be everything to everyone
and im so worn out of never being good enough for anyone.

i'm so tired of who i am,
and so sick of everyone else.

speaking of sick, i remember what i did last xmas break
laid in bed, sick the whole time.
i almost wish that would happen again.


there are some times when i think i would do better if i was just put away. then no one would expect anything of me, except to be crazy and useless like i feel i already am.

other times i wish i were a whale.
or a cat.

uhhg

I'm just so fucking mad.

and I'm even more mad because you can't even understand.

i just need

some really good lyrics to explain life to me right about now.

where's all my music?

the only fuckin song on this laptop:
Let's Dance, by David Bowie.

lets not question the man, shall we?

-low

I'm seriously considering transferring schools. I love Evergreen, but... I am having my doubts. I can't imagine being there for 4 years...
but I can't really imagine being at any one school for 4 years.

I am kinda thinking I should have gone to FairHaven... but then I would be further away from family and Matt, and I don't want that.
I just wish I had friends at Evergreen. I don't really get it.
I have my roommates, and the couple of people from class that I hang out with outside of class, and the entire class which I talk to inside of class. But I don't have any "Friends." You know? There are James and Annie and Tanya with whom I spend the majority of my free time with. They are definitely my friends, and I value the time I get to spend with them. But, these are people I have know for a year or more. What about making new friends? Everyone says I need to try harder, or they tell me that I will find people I can relate to, it will just take time. Yea... I'm sick of hearing that shit cause everyone else has people to hang out with. They have pictures and memories and inside jokes with these people they only met 2 months ago. Besides class, I spent most of my birthday alone because there was nobody to hang out with...
I just wish Caitlin was there, or Alicia, or Matt. Ashley, Emily, Dana, Lindsey...ect. Someone who appreciated or at least understood who I am. I know it all does takes time... But why doesn't it seem to take time for anyone else?

My dream last night was strange.
I was being told that I had to move out of my dorm room because they were moving one person out of every building, or every apartment... and people had suggested me because they thought I wasn't happy because I didn't fit in. The dorms were shaped differently, more like a motel and I was running around trying to find my room, but it had seemed to disappear. Really they had just boarded it and painted it so we couldnt find it; it blended into the wall. This was because they didnt want me to find out they had packed all my stuff before they could tell me I was moving. The housing administrator was the soccer coach and he took me to where I would be living, which was in his "mod" but we had to take a train to get there. His mod was actually an SUV but after going inside, it was just a small house. There was a living room that I went to to get to the 2nd floor. There were 3 bedrooms for me to pick from -- they were all exactly alike and none of them had windows. Upstairs on the third floor there was a nice room with a bunch of stuff in it and a TV. He told me I could use that room for watching TV ect, but it was everybody's room so I couldnt live there. I told him there was no way I would live in the rooms without windows, and we headed back to my real apartment. They had unboarded it. I then saw that they had packed up all my stuff and I threw a fit. I sat on my bed and told him that the room I was living in was like a home to me and I wasnt going to leave. I suggested he make someone else move, like Mary because she seemed to be able to get along anywhere. She heard me say that and she came in my room and got angry at me. But when she heard the details about the living situation she was ready to leave, though still angry at me. ... the rest of the dream was more of a nightmare. I locked my door when they left because I was afraid. In my dream I stopped watching myself and instead watched what happened to Mary and the admin. She turned out to be a Vampire and she was killing all these people. He was stacking the bodies and making a tunnel out of them for some reason, but he didnt know where the bodies were coming from. Eventually she killed him. The dream went back to focus on me in my apartment room with the door locked and the lights off, trying to go to sleep in my bed. I was really scared for whatever reason, and all of a sudden I felt like someone was in the room with me. I felt them getting closer and closer to me until it was right in front of my face. I thought she was going to bite me, but I couldnt see anything. It was so scary that I woke myself up only to find Matt like leaning over me about to kiss me to wake me up. That was kinda shocking. It was weird that my subconscious knew he was there and somehow incorporated that into my dream so suddenly. . . something like that. Not the first time it has happened, but ...
it is really cool to have such vivid dreams. a gift but sometimes a curse. mm, now I am scaring myself.
anyway, that is what got me thinking about Evergreen.



oh yea, I got my hair permed. I like it so much. So very refreshing.

Anyway. It is early early Thanksgiving mornign now. I think I should go to sleep so I can enjoy the festivities tomorrow.
:)
Glad to be on break.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I wish I was like the wind, or the rain, or the sea,
so I could just travel the world for free.

Truth::

Music:
I like to listen to Nirvana when you arent around because it makes me feel closer to you.
I love when contemporary artists use piano as the lead instrument. The sound of a piano really captures my attention. Also the case with the Cello. They both have so much emotion. Mostly beautifully sad.
Duets are wonderful.
I melt over impossibly high (but raspy) vocals. Like those of Amy Lee, Sia Furler, and Alison Sudol. I wish I could sing like that.

Mind:
I feel like I am losing myself.
I don't know who I am. What I want to do. Whether or not I am wasting my time.
Sometimes I want to give in. And just be like everyone else.
But even when I give... I always end up standing out.

I dont believe in myself enough to ever do anything worthwhile.
And all my goals are nothing if I can't afford them, but I refuse to get a job. And I wont even be able pay for this school. And I like what I am learning, and I feel like I am learning alot, but I still feel like I am wasting my time.
I am losing my sense of purpose again.

I tear at the skin on my hands as a way of self-perfection (trying to find the perfections somewhere within myself). Something other girls try to acheive by wearing makeup, doing thier hair, ect (trying to put a mask of perfection on). Neither works. Of course there is no perfection in anyone. But I have to find something...I have to create something that is better than what I see.

I am starting to see that some people know me better than I know myself (in some sense)
And other people don't know me at all.

Maybe this new me that is arising is something about the place. Evergreen. When I was at soccer camp there... I also had this complex of self consciousness. I didnt have friends. I changed. Power of place. Right? "Let the world change you" ?

I just don't want to be a waste. But nobody can tell me that I'm not, because nobody knows.

I am more sad than usual about Rachel tonight. Maybe its the music, the same music I was listening to during the last weeks of her life.


uhm, there is just too much on my mind.
there is some of it.
for whatever it is worth, now you know me better. at least some.


"and tear your curtains down for sunlight is like gold. and you better be you, and do what you can do, when you're walking on moon beams, staring out to sea.."


The ocean,
that is the only truth I know.

19th Birthday

Today!
=D

I love looking back:

14th. Best Friends Forever.











15th. Wishes come true.




























16th. Sweet Sixteen.
















































17th. Loved.





























18th. Never grow up!





























Happy Birthday: Me, Caitlin, Jackie, John & Meaghan.

sex...

i swear that is all people talk about...

Let me just tell you...

Being freezing cold
and soaking wet
is being alive.

Wednesday

I feel sick today...
weak.
Almost passed out in the Greenery today.

Also feel alone.
Meh...

Obama Wins!

Lets party! or in new lingo, Ba-rock-out!

I'm just gonna quickly whip out my experience of the night before I hit the sack:

It was so cool! They announced it right at 8, exactly after the voting closed for Oregon, Washington and California.
People were running around, screaming, streaking, drinking, smoking... all these different things to show their support.

We watched McCain's speech in the movie room in the bottom of A dorm. Then we walked over to Lecture Hall 1 and watched Obama's speech which was so moving and genuine. My favorite part was when he surprised his daughters with a new puppy. I also liked how he was so humble, and he seemed so incredibly happy, but still understood the huge task ahead of him, and all of us.

After that we went to Annie's and had a dance party and then we decided to meet up with some people and ended up at the HCC where they were putting up signs of the states that voted for Obama and the ones that voted for McCain. There we watched some of the other election results, and re-watched Obama's speech, which was just as good the second time around.

I went back to my room and Ariana and I hung out and talked about the election and the celebrations. Throughout ALL of this, there was non-stop screaming "OBAMA" around the Evergreen campus, and there was a roaming street party. While me and Ariana were talking, the party passed by the apartment and we tagged onto the end. Again we ended up at the HCC where we had a huge dance party, yelling our praises about Obama. The party moved again, but quickly got broken up by the Evergreen police because it was around midnight.

Anyway, the day has been such a relief. It is 2 in the morning and the celebrating has been going on since 8. It is all so exciting and seeing people get so happy about something is incredibly inspiring. People are walking around just smiling. I have never seen that before... a smile on everyone I pass. Oh, I could write forever but I really need to sleep. I have seminar tomorrow (and massive studying to do) but luckily I did my seminar paper yesterday/this morning, cause there is no way it would get done tonight... well, I guess it isnt really night anymore, but anyway.

I am so excited though, I might not be able to sleep... even though I am about to collapse.
:D
This whole ordeal is exhilarating beyond explanation. I feel proud, and hopeful, and anxious. The first election I voted in has already become a historic landmark. Wow, what a feeling this is!

Election Day

I am honestly impressed with how some people can just flat out ignore the facts. The conversation is going along, and I throw out a fact, rather than opinion, and they either steer the topic to something else, or flat our SAY that they don't want to discuss this anymore. I don't understand the dignity in that, or the reason. They are afraid, they say, because Obama is "friends with a terrorist" and "might have terrorist values." They are scared that Obama is going to raise taxes on everyone, and their families are "already struggling enough." They wanted to vote for the person with more "realistic policies." Trust me, I had the appropriate response to all of those things, but of course, they wouldnt hear it. Luckily these "discussions" have been with people who are too young to vote in this election, but I am sure there are people who think just like them who have voted McCain unfoundedly.

So far there seems to be an overall lean toward Obama in the polls according to CNN news. As relieving as that is, it is not all too telling, especially after learning about statistics and understanding the possibility of error, especially in polling.

I think I have the flu. And I need to study for my midterm, but all I want to do is follow the election.
Hmm, I will update later.

All politics aside, I have a feeling about him. His voice, his composure, his passion all give me the comfort that he understands me, and that he cares about the values of this country. Of course he isn't a "savior." That is not what a president should be. A president in this country should be a person who allows and inspires people to uphold the best of democracy, the best of themselves.
That is hope.

Beyond.

I actually feel 100% useless today.

I have no talents.
I have done nothing worthwhile.

I am just wasting people's space and time and resources.
I don't belong here, in this body, in this life.

What the fuck?!

Today has been SO. FUCKED. UP.

I can't even believe...





ahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm just gonna go insane.
See ya when I get back.

AAA

I can't believe i have only written 12 papers since the beginning of the year.
It feels like so much more.

I am sick of it already....


I should probably stay here and work. . .
But instead I might go watch Aladdin @ Annie's.


I need to get a job...

That has to be possible, but I can't even imagine having any less time than I already do.
I don't understand how Ariana does it.

reg-na

revo gni-kat si ti.





Now you know how I feel:
I can't understand myself, or anyone around me.
Everything is just so... backwards.

mmm...

Stephen Sondheim.
:)

Tonight's love affair:

Modest Mouse.

ob-mud

this all must be a joke, right?
I'm so angry at... something. Not just one thing, but many.
I just don't know what they are.

uhhm,

this:

is the most wonderful thing in the world right now.

.

there is so much i don't know.

"its a cold and its a broken..."

today was not too wonderful.
the beginning was just sad,
and it progressively got better... but
i still don't feel good.
i feel like I should have been able to save that rat this morning.

meh,
I don't feel like playing soccer tomorrow
and I don't want to get committed to it if there is no chance I can handle both school and soccer.
besides, I'm here to change the wo...
err...
wait...
what am I doing again?


I feel so lost and alone again.


"...hallelujah"

Lullabies

"Was there a time we weren't at war;
when we knew what our hearts and hands were for?
I don't believe there ever was."

that's the shit.

and Lindsey's was the only response worthwhile. Surprise, surprise.

...ha

you're responses disgust me.

honestly... it's not like i expected anyone to understand.

Why....

I don't see how someone could ask me why I hate people. But here it is:


some "friends":: you use me when you need me, take advantage of my house, desert me because I made a mistake, and when i need help more than anything. All of this after I have constantly stuck by ALL of you, kept my doors open to you, and pour my time and energy into helping and entertaining you. I throw parties for you. I stay up late to make sure you are okay when you have problems. I'm so fed up with not being respected. with giving people the benefit of the doubt and being disappointed.


some other people: drunk and druggie idiots who not only try to be better than everyone else, but honestly believe that they are. no compassion. no thought beyond personal motives. no conscience. no morals. no reason. only care solely about being "cool."


some people in general: overambitious, overconfident, no regard for other creatures or the environment. no ability to see beyond what is right in front of us. greedy. lustful. cruel. sarcastic. self-righteous and completely unaware that perhaps there are more important things than the convenience of our own little lives.

we all have this immense fucking potential... and so few of us take it.


It's all bullshit.


I don't see why we deserve to live.

Woooords.

My professor was talking about liberal democracy today... well, along with all the previous systems, and one of his random (Socratic) questions was "would you want to live in a totalitarian system?" Having lived in one (Mount Si) I was repulsed by the idea of returning to that, ever. Literally, before he could even finish the word "totalitarian" Mount Si popped into my head.

If I was at that school this year, I would publish that paper and distribute it without the fucking "editing" (censoring). I would get expelled if I had to. It makes me just boil inside to think about the injustice there. What is the first amendment? Okay... well, if I get more started than I already am, I might hitchhike up there tonight and burn the school down myself. I hate all the bullshit last year: Big deals out of little things, no actual response to anything that mattered (by the administration at least). The best thing that came out of that school were the people who never conformed to the bullshit: Quinn, Kristin, Heidi, McCormick. The people who fought for what was right, against the system of control.

The school has an agenda. They want to focus to be on learning, yet they take the real learning experiences and try to keep them out of the school, and even out of the valley. So the school doesn't care about actual education. They care about their reputation in the valley, in the state of Washington, in the nation. Meh, it sickens me.

Words are so powerful. That is why people are afraid of them. The administration is so afraid of words because eventually someone will reveal the truth; all they care about is their own authority, their own power.


I could write all night. But, I have drained my fight for the evening. Now I am going to go read. Most of the reading in this program is so enlightening, and the way it connect statistics with environmentalism with history with politics with novels with philosophers with my life... it is so perfect. Remember, I am all about synchronicity (even if it is only a word in some dictionaries).


--------------
PS. Another thing about words. Definitions: definitely important, but taking a word like marriage and trying to maintain its original meaning today is ridiculous. Everything changes. And marriage has been a term that has been used to describe non-religious unions for many years now, thus trying to attach a biblical meaning to it now based on mere personal bias, is incredibly appalling.

...Soon.

I will make time to write something meaningful here. I will. Tomorrow perhaps. I want to write something inspiring, like I use to. I will again...

It makes me sad.

I guess there were just things today that really got to me emotionally. Come to think of it... well I have been more internally emotional. I can't express things here like I can at home. I keep trying to think of what Ben (Joselyn) wrote in my yearbook:
"As we all bend under the suppression of our societies, you seem to take the blows standing. Not unphased, not unaffected, but injured with integrity. Inexorably true to yourself, you let the world hurt you when others run to masks, shells, or other fake and cowardly visages."

I hope I am the person he is talking about...
I mean, I was. But AM I still?

The world is changing me, that's for sure.
(Am I fighting it?)



What I was saying before:
Seminar today, just really fucked me mentally. A combination of that: -such a passion to help the world, conflicted with the idea that humans perhaps don't even have a right to live anymore, especially if they can't live without destroying --along with this: Orin talked about life today, on a level that I haven't considered for a good while (though I have before). ---and then finally this: reading about the formations and cycles of the planet, which basically made me realize that I am fighting this environmental fight on both fronts, in some sense.

These thoughts and emotions, especially combined just make me 1) want to quit school and just travel the world. 2) want to shut off all the lights in my room and cry all night. 3) or just completely ignore the range of possibilities and truths.

In so many ways, I just wish I could be in Rwanda with Becca, or trade her spots when she wants to leave.


I want to meet someone who makes me feel like I am not alone.


Talking to Orin today got me thinking about my writing. I decided to go back and read my first blog site. It is not a happy thing to do. I was smart but I was ignorant, and I was angry, but I was happy. That time was just when everything came to this point where I started off in the direction to change the world. I just... I don't know. It depresses me even more to see all the people who didn't believe in me.
It does make me think how much peoples perceptions of me changed it was from Freshman to Senior year, and how that could happen again. Maybe, if I stick it out here I will eventually change some lives just like I did in high school. But right now, the combination of everything is just too overwhelming. And to think there is going to be 8 and a half more weeks of this... if not more... I just don't know if this is a burden I can bear.

And unfortunately, my source of happiness throughout most of 2008 (the happiest period of my life since 5 years ago) seems to be fading more and more each day.

The _ word.

I'm really just hoping for a pleasant sleep. I didn't mean to scare myself with that movie...
ew.

Its late... I need to sleep. I don't want to wake up too late tomorrow.



The monotony and pointlessness that I was trying to avoid is catching up with me. Maybe I will go read outside tomorrow.

I miss my munkey already....

::

(Click pic to view larger image)

Combine.

2 nights ago I was experiencing a breakdown.

Here's part of what I wrote in my journal that night::

I called my mom. She started asking stupid questions and I started answering angrily. She sighed kinda painfully and said: "I was just having a dream where you were talking to me like that." She told me about it and it went like this: I had a camera and I was attached to it. I was carrying it around and it was bothering me and stressing me out, and I was just so attached to it and desperately didn't want to let it go. My mom was with me and she noticed my frustration and said, "You've been carrying it around all day and you have taken plenty of pictures. Why don't you just set it down and relax?" All I could say was "You don't understand, you don't get it!" She was trying to calm me down and then I started saying "Its all lies."

The dream was scary real to me, even though it wasn't my dream. It revealed some things about me to her mind. Things which I never had never revealed to her myself...

Perhaps they are things that she has subconsciously figured out through my calling her in the middle of the night sobbing and begging to come home.
But, it is kinda a blast from the past, sobbing like that. A few years ago that was a frequent thing. Even like 10 months ago it wasn't a rare occurrence.

this is getting...

ridiculous.


you are so detached.

everyone else sucks.

fuck it. i want to write about something meaningful.

Oh...

And that last post didn't really mean to be as depressing as it sounds. I am just annoyed with some of my current and former surroundings (as in people).

But I don't mean to complain. I have at least 5 people who actually do uphold my faith in humanity.

Alone again.

This weekend was good. It was nice to get away from here, and especially to see my family and Matt. They are my favorite people, and they have never let me down.

My program (class) starts tomorrow. I hope there are some good people LotAD with me. There is already Nyg and Ben, which is going to be interesting as a combination. I just want to meet people I can relate to more. Nyg drives me crazy cause he can be so mean sometimes and I honestly can't stand his nanchalantness about it. Like, he already knows I am struggling here, and he just has to make it worse by being a jackass half the time.

I should sleep. I have more to rant about (like how some of my friends in the valley completely disrespect me and everything I have done for them by fucking eachother in my house, even when I specifically ask them not to. ...Yea, its bull. But now at least I am out of there, and over here where a-whole-nother group of people can toy with my life.) But i am going to sleep. Class isnt until 1pm on Mondays, but I need to start changing my schedule.

--

I'm locked outside this world that they all know.

no really...

i think i am the most boring teenager ever....

I am small...

and yet, I wish I were smaller.

...Sometimes I wish I were a chinchilla, or a puppy, and I could be little and I could spend my days in someone's arms, and make them happy just because I was cute and cuddling with them.

And I think there are people who are happy just because I am in their arms, but sometimes I wish that's all there was, because then I think I would feel better.

I want a chinchilla. I think I could possibly get away with it. But the only way I would do it is if I had 2 so they could keep each other company. But I don't have $300 + to spend on animals, or time to take care of them.

I wish I could have a cat that would cuddle with me and keep me company and listen to me spill my heart out. But just listen, and not judge. And cuddle with me even if I was just rambling.

I wish I were smaller. Then maybe the pressure of the world wouldn't focus so much on me.

Strength.

I am different.
Most people try to be different.
I am just different.
Sometimes I wish so badly that I could feel normal once in a while; that I wasn't constantly so conscious of myself, and could just give in a little, like everyone else.

But seriously...
Am I the only person who doesn't smoke pot or drink simply because I don't want to? And additionally because it is damaging to human health? And also because it makes them stupid.
Other people refuse it due to religion, or a moral code. That isn't me. I don't even know what true morality is, and religion.. that is just so far beyond my ability to grasp.

For some unknown reason though, I was given a conscious, and I actually give a fuck about what I do to my body.

Oddly, the irony there --that I am the minority-- is slightly fucking pathetic. And I am completely disgusted with the idea that BECAUSE I don't use drugs or drink alcohol (or have sex, I might add), I am initially (and lastingly) viewed as some sort of sheltered, prude, weirdo.

And furthermore, aren't we students here supposed to be the ones who actually care about the planet and all its turmoil. It's no wonder there is so much taboo around this school, and around "liberals" in general. I mean, how the fuck are we supposed to expand our capabilities as compassionate and intellectual beings, let alone attempt to make small changes in the world, if we are destroying our bodies and minds.

What is it that draws so many? Its 'recreational.' Its an 'escape.' Its a 'social thing.' Its what's 'hip.' Its better than doing 'this.' It helps with 'that.' Its 'natural.'

Well, whatever the reason, I personally don't care. I just feel sick that I came to this school expecting much more open-mindedness and self-awareness than I have so far encountered. If you delve into it, the issue is hypocrisy at its finest. Nearly as bad than Ken Hutcherson's preachings. Some of these people eat organic food to improve the wellness of their lives, and then turn around and destroy their lungs and their brains. Others advocate for the rights of all people to live freely and in a safe environment, and then turn around and drive drunk threatening the lives of people who so assuredly deserve their safety and right to live. And others still fight to reduce the spread of STDs, AIDS and other illnesses, yet turn around and fuck the next person they meet thus risking the spread one of those same diseases.

But, just because decency, healthfulness, and consciousness isn't the favored lifestyle doesn't mean I am going to change. I can handle being outcast, or thought of as a loser/freak.
I am just different. And thusly, I am rewarded; in a way few people would be able to appreciate.

Regeneration.

What is getting me through? It is not the constant "just stick it out, it will get better," or people telling me they understand when they don't. What is getting me though is this: In high school I felt so hopeless at times that I could make a difference in people, or anything really. And here, part of my problem is that I feel so insignificant, abnormal, misled, mistaken, that I am forgetting who I am, and how to embrace the qualities that I possess. I feel hopeless again and I suddenly don't have the strength of self that I once did. But luckily I opened up my senior yearbook today and the things that my friends (and even just acquaintances) wrote to me just really reminded me that who I am is important to many people. And it wasn't always. It took going through a lot of shit, taking punches from some of my best friends, having ever-replenishing amounts of forgiveness and faith in people, giving lifetimes of advice, and enduring hell, for most people to fully appreciate me. (Hmm, that isn't what I am really trying to say.) What I mean is, the people who wrote some really amazing words in my yearbook are people who spent time observing me, or trying to understand who I am. They saw me struggle and they eventually saw my values as admirable. (Fuck, I can't explain it.) But some of what people wrote is really what gives me even the smallest bit of hope at my endeavor here at Evergreen. I wanted to re-post some so as to remind me more often of who I am capable of being, and what I am able to change, and in rereading, I will see and remember that I have already been it and done it before.

"You've inspired me to change when I had solified myself." -Matt

"Thank you for reminding me how to live, how I want to live. I'm sure I'll never figure out who I am, but at least I get to see reflections of myself in people as beautiful as you." -Emily

"I have never met someone who I have so much faith in, and who has so much potential. ...Next year when you open up your yearbook on a random day, I hope you realize how phenomenal you truely are." -Kristin

"As we all bend under the supression of our societies, you seem to take the blows standing. Not unphased, not unaffected, but injured with intergrity. Inexorably true to yourself, you let the world hurt you when others run to masks, shells, or other fake and cowardly visages. ...I know you'll be successful, for success is based on criterion, and on all the criterion I find important, you succeed." -Ben

"I don't simply love you because you have always been there for me. I love who you are. I love the combinations that have brought you into the person you have become." -Alicia

"I think out of all the people I have come to know, I am going to miss you the most." -James

"You're one of my favorite people at this school. One of the few that gives me hope for the future. Whatever you go on to do in life, I know you'll succeed." -Quinn

"I am honored that I get to be your friend, and I know that my life will never be the same because I've known you. You are such an incredible human being. Don't ever let the world squash yourself out of you. You are too special to be influenced by all the yuckiness surrounding your beauty." -Heidi

I need to go...

to a mental institution.
For people who can't grow up in their minds.

Or,
I need to dream forever...
I think I was dreaming all day. I thought it was all a dream so I just went along with it... And then I woke up, and it was all still happening. Maybe I could just dream for 4 years, and then wake up and pretend it didn't really happen.
Or maybe I will still wake up, in my own bed, and Matt will be next to me, and it will be some twisted alternative universe where there is actually something I could do that would be productive and make me happy at the same time.

I'm done. I'm done.

Lost.

I honestly do not know what to do...

This doesn't feel right.
I'm sick of the campus already,
I can't relate to anyone. And the fact that they all respect each other and me, just doesn't make up for the fact that I don't fit in.
Even the people I know, I don't know anymore.
The only thing that is right is my room. If I could stay in here and read all day and not have to deal with anyone else... I would. I could live in this room if the school didn't come with it.
And as much as I felt ostracized, used, and disrespected in the valley, as much as I hated Mount Si, this is worse, because these people are older, and I am SUPPOSE to be able to relate to them. I've waited so long to find people who aren't so caught up in drugs, alcohol; who don't try to be cool/unique; who aren't manipulative or two-faced; who value their brains and don't knowingly destroy them.

I feel so out of place.
But even if I could leave, there would be no where else to go.
I almost just want to be locked up in my tower, and stay safe forever. I don't feel safe here. I don't feel loved here. And I can't afford to lose the happiness that took so long to gain.

This morning I felt great about it, and excited and everything was perfect, but now I can't even begin to imagine spending an entire year here, let alone FOUR years.

And if i don't stay here, what do I do?
I can't stay in the valley; I don't want to travel because I want to be close to Matt, there is no other school. School altogether, anywhere, right now just seems... impossible to bear. But I need it to get where I want to go... And the place I want to go is only that, because I don't know what else to want.

I absolutely hate this.
I want to be 5 again, and just stay that way forever.

Uhg.
I can't even explain how this feels.

{{Today's letter is...}}

today was... well, interesting.

heated convo about "marriage" and gay rights, with grandma and mom. :/ luckily i just happened to have the holy book itself near me at the time The [Poisonwood] Bible (by Barbara Kingsolver), and it lent me some wisdom much needed to not explode in the face of such hypocrisy, at the hands of: 1- an unwavering believer in The [other] Bible and 2- someone with enough adacity to argue, not on the "spiritual morality" of the debate, but on the mere definition of the word.


Then, later, I started getting cramps... and yea, everything that follows.

Had 3 different people shoving 30 pairs of glasses in my face along with an onslought of opinions.

Didnt eat (everything there is to eat is practically to unhealthy to bear, not to mention.. well i don't even want to go into what happened in my search for something edible.)


Anywhoo... during the day i felt pretty miserable about everything that was going on... which i partially blame on pms and pain. But I'm not saying it was a bad day, and i certianly dont mean to complain about my life. but, it was simply a very... unique adventure with my Grandma, mom, and sister.

alas,
i found well fitting, nice looking glasses,
got a towel set for my dorm,
finally settled on a delicious b&w hot chocolate for some energy,
and basked in some of the most delectable music my ears have had the pleasure of hearing (the everfaithful and fulfilling Death Cab of course).

{{G. as in God, G-ma, Gay, Green, Grouch, Grumpy, Gusto, Groove, Gee...ect.)

I like today!

Wonderful things about today::
(in no particular order)

- Getting switched into the Single dorm which I wanted so badly!
- Petting the kitties. Especially Porky!
- Holding the chinchillas!
- Watching that girl find and buy the perfect pet on a whim.
- Seeing Alicia before she leaves.
- Seeing Meagan before I leave.
- Finding really cheap scrap-booking material.
- Hearing that my Mom had a good day and is feeling better.
- Seeing my Dad seem fairly relaxed and content.
- Seeing Dan in Real Life which was wonderful.
- Helping Matt get stuff for his dorm.
- Spending the day with wonderful Matt.

It was just a really great day and I am truly happy. Plus I get to see my Grandparents tomorrow!

Dreaming

Almost all of them are Heroes...

My power.

Today I woke up on fire (when I finally woke up). Perhaps it had something to do with my dream about being a Hero. I was lightning, nuclear, explosive, electric. And Matt and I blew up a school. That is the dream in a nutshell, without detail or hint of meaning. But other than that, I just feel this energy building up in inside, and almost feel like I am going to actually explode. It is just this passion for something, everything, but it is unrecognizable and I don't know where or how to channel it into usefulness. In my dream, I made the school explode because I thought it harbored injustice and ignorance to the true world. But it was a new school -- a small one -- and I had attended it for a day. And when it was gone, I missed it (in a twisted sort of way). I can't reach the emotions that were coursing through me using words. But there were many, contradicting and complimenting. I was in trouble. And new Heroes with other powers kept popping up in those around me. And many of them were on the run, like me, but many of them were chasing us. There was no one to trust, and every word I spoke was a chance at being caught, though I couldnt help but spill my secret to a good 5 people. And Matt didnt remember, but somehow I dared not tell him the truth. My whole family was revealed as Heroes, and my own sister turned against me - her power restricting my own. Everyone I trusted was lost to me. Everything I knew was gone. But I had this energy building in me, for something bigger than these people could understand, for something that would contradict everything that everyone else had based their life on. I had so much power, and it was lost in my fear. And there was no one to tell me not to let fear control me; no one to encourage me. I want to say I was alone, but that isn't right. Nothing was right. Nothing would describe this accurately. And 'fear' is not exactly what had stopped me. Nothing was exactly anything. But there was this comfort that pervaded the dream, that only I felt. Everyone else backstabbing eachother, and looking over their shoulders. Powerless through fear, but comforted in my own ability to be strong against the odds? I don't know how to describe it. And I wish I could just play it back for you. It was more than a dream though, because I woke up feeling the same. I think I am a Hero. My power is this.

Update.

This morning was nice. We went to Zoka for coffee and cocoa, and then went to the school for Wildcat Days at Mount Si so Becca could buy her yearbook and some other stuff. I got to pretend to be her guardian and sign all the forms and shit for her. :P But we spent like 2 hours there and went and visited Mrs. Sales at her house, saw G-Bow, and tormented Hagler (and offered him a ride home, which was apparently "indecent" or something like that.) Then we went to the bank and the Mongolian place. All in all, nice morning. Nice to spend time with Becca without fighting or worrying about stupid shit. And it was nice not to be alone, even though mom only started her surgery like an hour and a half ago. But yea. I feel better and I think Becca feels good too (besides the sickness of the stomach that we both got upon entering high school hell). So anyway, today is so far so good, and I am hoping it stays that way.

Balance.

I didn't sleep last night. I drifted off around... maybe 4:30 and then Matt woke me up and left at like 5? or something. I didn't sleep again for a long time...probably like after 6. Then I woke up at 7 and every half hour until 9. I was waiting for her to call me.

Today ... I'm just hoping for some balance, and good fortune.


People, be thinking about my mom. Your positive energy will help.

Me and Becca are going out to coffee this morning so we can be together during the surgery.

May it be...

I don't have the slightest clue where to begin.

Lets go like this: Mom, Dad, Becca, family, humans, animals, school, injustice, money, elections, friends, ect:


As far as I know, Mom has already had her first procedure which was this morning. Tomorrow she has the full surgery. I slept very little last night and I doubt I will sleep much tonight either. I am just worried because I realize that life is fragile. But I also know that my mom is strong; probably the strongest person I know. But that doesn't mean I am not afraid, because I am. I want to be there next to her the whole time, and I don't want to be 6 hours away if she needs me.
But she said she needs me here, to take care of the dogs, and Becca, and because I don't have a place to stay in Spokane because of the messed up hospital system. So I stay here. But I miss her more than I can say.

I haven't seen Dad truly smile, or really laugh, for a while. Last night, he looked terrible. Completely run down and stressed to no end. It breaks my heart...I just don't know how to help him except just stick around the house and get rid of anything that adds to the pressure.

Becca has been working ungodly (forgive the pun) hours each week to try to save enough money for her trip to Rwanda. But she has also been neglecting her family for not only work, but friends and church and whatever else. And then she has the audacity to call me a loser for not having a job, not having a car or driving. But I don't think she realizes that if I wasn't around the house all the time, it would probably just fuckin fall down along with this family. I feel like I am the fuckin glue holding the pieces together right now. I am. The dogs would die, the laundry would never get done, the house would burn down, and everyone would be far more miserable and stressed than they already are. But not only do I have to do all the work here, be available for anyone when they need my help, and put up with being criticized for living the way I think is right, I have to live with having no money for myself, or for college, and the guilt of unceasingly borrowing it from someone else. I'm just sick of her acting like she is better than me, never having time to help her family, and in more ways than one, offsetting my hard work with her inability to take responsibility for this household.

As for me, I am fucking jealous that Becca gets to go on this world-saving expedition and I don't. Everybody is like "wow, what an amazing and selfless thing to do." But goddammit, nobody cares that I write letters to the government and organizations around the world trying to fix the things I care about. Nobody gives a fuck that I am like the most energy conscious person I know and bend over backwards to make a difference trying to offset my carbon emissions including choosing to ride a bike somewhere rather than trying to find a ride in a car. No one thinks its amazing that I wouldn't hurt a fly, spider or ant on purpose and instead take the time to catch a spider from my room and put it outside instead of killing it, or free a hummingbird from the garage instead of letting it die in there. Or that I spend hours walking, brushing and playing with our PET dogs, who need attention which no one else gives them. Nope. Instead I am a loser with no job, no car, and I'm going to a "loser/stoner" college which I have no money to pay for. All I have to show for busting my ass in high school and bending over so the administration could fuck me, is a good GPA which means nothing, a couple credits for college, oh, a failed soccer career, and feeling like I missed out on all the fun. I am honestly sick of it, being judged and feeling so worthless. I have Matt, but lately I feel more like a burden to him than a girlfriend. My current default is "happy" which is a hell of a lot better than highschool and middle school, but everything is just too much right now, and for once, I would like to not feel like such a dissapointment.

Meh, the rest of this stuff I don't even want to write about right now. So anyway, I am just trying to be strong for my family, and hoping that everything will work out for them...us... because despite all of this and all the other problems we have, together we are the most amazing family I know of. I just want to keep it that way.

Listening...

I am sitting here listening to my mom play her piano.
In my old house I would sit at the top of the steps and listen.
Sometimes I would sit next to her and watch her fingers dance around the keys.
She is so amazing.

I really don't want to do anything without her until her surgery is done.
Camping... ect. I mean, I just want to follow her to Portland and greet her at the finish line of her race, and then follow her to Spokane and be there with her while she recovers from the surgery.

It's really hard to be strong for her because I am so worried and I just care about her so much. But I am trying my best and I am doing fine.

We took Peekaboo into the vet today. We got her on a good diet, and ran a few tests, so hopefully that will help her. We got home and cleaned the dog's bowls and gave them the new food and brushed them. So I think they are happy today. :)
We also picked a new doctor for me to go to and set up an appointment.
Then we went into Issaquah to look for a phone, and some things I need for college, which was nice. My dad was also in Issaquah from an eye appointment so we met up with him too and had lunch. It was a nice afternoon.

I think I will go watch some Olympics with them now. And maybe go see some friends later, but I just want to be with my mom and dad for a little bit more today.

Just frusterated.

so, i'm kinda pissed about the whole Evergreen Housing bullshit. It would have been nice to actually have the RIGHT day to send in for Housing, instead of a date that was a month late. Whatever... it is obviously my fault that nowhere on the site did it say when I was supposed to apply.
Anyway, now I have to pay like $200 extra, per quarter... to live in double apartment style housing with upperclassmen.

I couldn't find a job to save my life this summer, so I have absolutely NO money saved up for college. So I am gonna have to work every second I don't have class in order to make up for it, in which case I won't be able to see Matt very much, or come home to visit my family enough either. And right now, it is Matt and my family that make life so wonderful. I love them, and more than anything I want to be with them....

Yea, AND i registered to vote like 5 months ago, and I never got a voting pamphlet.

And, I spent the entire night in my fucking car cause not only did I get locked out of the house when I was trying to calm my dog down from the lightning and thunder storm last night, I also got locked IN the car while I was waiting for my dog to calm down.



All of this isnt really all that bad, but it really does fuckin SUCK. I just feel like... after all my hard work in school and at home, my attentiveness to everything people need from me, my courtesy to everyone I know and meet, my paitience with my dogs and everyone else, and my overall goodwill toward the world, I shouldnt get so fucked over all the time.

And, I promise, I DO appreciate all the wonderful things that happen to me, but the way these things have compiled on each other is just gonna make my life exponentially harder for the next year or so.

"Its built on things that burn..."

Alone is not a good place for me...

but... neither is being with stupid people...






"...so we can burn it."

my dreams (in the past week)

night 1:
1. me and james running from guys in sunriver, who were chasing us and shooting us.
2. tonys house, halloween decorations?, sitting on his lap talking about how he lost his arm and if he is still going to play drums, girlfriend throws a fit and slits his moms throat, we kill the girl? and tell Sue to put her chin down to stop the bleeding...
:S

night 2:
1. go to tony's house and try to tell him about the dream from the night before (about his girlfriend slitting his mom's throat, and him missing an arm), but when i try to tell him, i have trouble keeping a train of thought... eventually i get it all out. he wants to try being with me again.
2. tony tells me the location of a party and i want to go, but everyone is going to be drinking and smoking. I drive to the location and the building has holes in all the walls so i can see inside, but all i do is watch until people start leaving.

night 3: i couldnt decide, tony or matt. tony is dalton, but isnt really dalton, cause he is tony. we are on the titanic, but get of safely (at shore?), at tony's (dalton's) house avoiding matt? dalton (tony's) dad throws a fit and starts throwing things. i go outside. he throws a truck. this part keeps repeating... sometimes the truck lands on me, sometimes on a little girl, and sometimes inches away from us.

night 4:
1. the world was covered in bombs and everyone was dying. there was a tractor beam bomb but it couldnt grab you if you were in the shadows. me & matt were kidnapped and tortures. we tried to escape once but the guy (the joker?) caught us. then we tried to escape again, but in the end got we werent fast enough to evade the bombs so we got blown up.
2. school dance/reunion. friends from school and oregon were there. meagan and danne were the same person. she (they?) ended up going missing. Alicia freaked out and we went looking for them. I remembered (from the previous dream?) that if we tried to open our lockers more than twice they would explode... so we didnt look for meagan/danne in the lockers. the kidnapper was the same as in the previous dream. some kids were on the computers working, but only we got in trouble for not being at the dance. the teachers told parents to come retrieve kids but they had to describe them instead of actually see them and claim them.

night 5:
1. my dad, my sister and i moved to the ghetto. I had just graduated high school and my mom had been murdered. i got a notification telling me i was forced by law to go back to middle school (elementary??)... i was late for my first day because i was trying to find an outfit to impress the little kids. it was dangerous for me to be on the streets, and some gangsta kids threatened me. i went to middle/elementary school and saw some kids my age (actually two of them were strippers and two were guys i found attractive.) i went and talked to them but they were picking on a little kid who turned out to be Brian from years ago even though i just graduated with Brian. after he remet me and everything i asked if he knew why i had to come back to grade school. he said he knew but couldnt tell me. i begged and finally he told me it was all a trick someone was playing on me, but if i didnt go along with it until i figured it all out i would be put in prison...
i went home and told brian that i met him as a little kid, but he wasn't phased. he said he had the answer to the trick/riddle too, but i was woken up before i got it.
2. i was with matt or someone trying to find a hospital to visit my mom. came across some guys trying to break into a building. they flee. the cops come before we can leave. they start to arrest us, and asked what we were doing. i say trying to find the hospital to visit my mom. they say "OH, well in that case, you are in the right place. no worries, they are about to open up." then a flock of about a hundred people dressed in nurse/doctor attire stream into the building and we follow and explore this unconventional hospital looking for my mom. we get to the top and then have to escape somehow and for some reason i dont remember. then we are stranded at Pike Place...

night 6: no dream that i remember.

night 7: no dream

night 8:
1. waiting for matt on the ridge at dusk (where there are only paths, and grass... no houses). he finally comes, and he brings me something that i dont remember.
2. me and matt have an "apartment"... but it is just an old fence and a new fence surrounding a yard (no house). we have his cat Samson on a leash, and had a couple trees, clothes line, fire pit, food storage. we are happy. we go to QFC to find people. Almost everyone is there from Megan, Meagan, Sara, Kristin, Ben, Shiho, Pierce and Alicia, Brian, Tara, Scott... lots of adults i know. Me and Matt walk up and down the isles looking for food and people. there was an old woman who walks around there with a cane and uses it to smash people's heals (or stomps on them with her boots) in order to prevent dejavu, because she thinks she is helping the world get off seizure medication and fixing mental/medical problems "the old fashion way." she hits my heal/shin and i turn around and cuss her out and tell her she should be sued. but i feel bad anyway. then me and matt leave the store and i see this loaf/bag of bread in the road and a mouse eating it. i turn to matt to ask if we should move it, turn back around and Puff is eating it, then he rears up and howls. since he has been gone for 3 months i run and grab him while he is distracted but he is hard to hold and struggles but i promise myself not to let go. i start begging people to take me to my parents house, but no one listens. i ask Alicia for help who is climbing into the bed of Scott's truck with Pierce. She doesnt understand what i said and Peirce lies and tells her "nothing" and pushes her down and kisses her and then looks back at me with an unfriendly grin. me and matt walk him back to our "apartment" in snoqualmie where our high neighbors are outside smoking and heckling us. we decide to go to my parents house in truck townso we walk back to North Bend. I decide i need a container for Puff and a Starbucks coffee cup appears in my hand. at this moment Puff is small enough to fit in the cup (even though he had been full grown before), so i put him in but eventually he jumps out. i grab him again, and all of a sudden he is small enough to fit in a spoon. i put him back in the coffee cup which still has some coffee in it and he gets covered in it. i fish him out by the time we get to the house and lock him in my room.
then i wake up freakin out cause Matt has just opened the door to my room to wake me up, and I though he let Puff out, but then I realize that... it was a dream...


---
they were all SO much more detailed and fucked up than what i just explained, or what I ever COULD explain....
it has just been a psychotic week for dreaming...

55 minutes

to write before the blogger outage?
oh, i guess it is only for 10 minutes anyway.

but i don't even know where to start...

i need to take my dogs for a walk,
take a shower
fold clothes
do dishes
clean my room
blah blah blah

I use to know how to have fun while doing all of that...
but I am sick of being creative.
not just about what to do for fun, but what to do in general...

and it gets me: i have to shove creativity out of me...
it sort of just comes to nygil, matt, amanda, my mom, becca, and practically everyone else i know.
but, i dont even have a form of expression, except writing. and when i write all i can say is "i dont know, i dont know," because everything worth saying has all been said before, and there is nothing to write, because there seems to be no ultimate or temporary truth, in my life, or anywhere for that matter.
so then my form of expression is forced to become either action, or nothing at all...
and frankly, i dont know how much i can do with my resources.
i have been making things for people -- hemp bracelets, scrapbooks ect, -- but that is about as far as it goes...



meh
and that is as far as this post goes...

grr

I stand by you through everything...

Why can't you just listen to me?
Care about something, just because I do?
Stop being critical of everything...
and just be impressed with something for once?
Why can't you do that?

I want to.

I want to make a list of truths about me, like everyone else has been doing: Brian, Alicia, Amanda and whoever else...
But I can't think of anything that is true, that won't change...
I will think.
Maybe I will make a list.

point-less

How am I supposed to do this?
Take care of my family, my friends, my dogs, and myself...
My mom is at the pass taking an EMT course for two more weeks.
My dad is stressed and even depressed cause things are bad at work and they are making cuts.
My sister is working overtime to make money for her trip to Africa.
So I have all of their laundry, dishes, and garbage to keep up with.
And I have the dogs, to feed, brush, and entertain.
If I don't have time to walk them or play with them for a day, they will bark and howl and won't let me forget it.
I have my allergies to fight.
I have to feed myself with no food in the house to feed myself with.
I don't have money to buy food, OR dog food, OR anything...
(I have deadlines for college that I keep missing cause I don't have a credit card to pay for the fees.)
So then I rely on Matt to buy things for my family, and pay him back with measly 20s every time I can get one off my dad.
But really I should be the one bending over backwards for Matt since he has school 3 days a week and endless school work the rest of the time.
I think there are rodents in the walls of the house, but if I tell dad, he might collapse under all the stress.
My sister and my dad's cars keep breaking down, and I feel guilty because I don't have a car for them to use.
I can't seem to find a place to hire me, but even if I had a job, my family would fall to pieces if I was too busy working or too tired from work to hold it together.
Some friends are angry and feel deserted because I don't have enough time for them.
My friends are heartbroken, depressed, suicidal because of other reasons, and they come to me for advice which I give to them (the most honest I have, yet I could never take it myself.)
I don't sleep well, because I have too many thoughts going through my head.
But when I do sleep I have dreams about Tony dying or getting hurt, and people getting murdered, or me being chased by someone...

I don't even know...
I have to eat now before I collapse.
All I had was a bowl of Top Ramen today...


---
And yet. there are people starving and freezing
ha,
and I complain.
Fuck me.

"But even at our swiftest speed..."

Journal, July 25, 2008"
"Here I am. I have graduated highschool. I am going off to college. I have impacted the lives of my many friends and other people I have met along the way. I have been in love more than once. And I have found some things in life that I want to do --things that inspire me...
but I dont have the slightest clue what all of that means.

I feel trapped. I feel like screaming "LET ME OUT"..."someone save me... free me! FREE ME!"
Free me? From this life that I live? One that most people would envy.
It doesn't make sense to me either.

I am surrounded by people who love me; I live in a beautiful place with a loving and well off family; I have been blessed with good health, and an education.

So why do I feel stuck, confused, scared, alone, overwhelmed, paralyzed, contradicted within myself. I don't understand. One day I have found a path, a direction, motivation, drive, inspiration... or whatever it is you want to call it. But then, two nights later, I feel like dying. And the person I love is lying next to me, and I have been with my wonderful parents and sister all night. I am blessed.
But I fell apart, lost it, broke down. Every thought makes it worse -- good or bad. And the only thing keeping me from screaming is Matt stroking my head or back reassuringly and trying to calm me.

Maybe that's it. That's all we have: a comforting, loving hand that keeps us sane through all the chaos."

My question to myself is...
what about those people without the hand, or the sincere and meaningful thought from another hoping for their happiness or comfort.
So, two things:
When I lay there at night, with that hand being my comfort, how do I enjoy it, knowing that some people will never feel protected or loved like that.
and the other: That can't be it then. There has to be more.

I should listen to myself. I will never know the answer, because there is no question.

And here I am again.
Laying back in the forest of dreams, with no reason or direction. Only a constant yearning for more, for greatness in myself, for change, and for someone to not only shock me back to life, but also pick me up and remind me how to walk, and show me how to run.

But nobody can... that isn't how it works.
I can coast down the hill with no eyes and no hands, and learn to take the changes in the wind...
but without myself, my own direction, my own eyes and my own hands, I am stranded at the bottom.

Waking up.

"If we seem nutty to you, if we seem like an oddball to you, just remember one thing: the mighty oak tree was once a nut like me."


From journal:
Maybe sometimes we are so busy looking to perfect our lives, or "find the answers," that we forget that all of the answers won't be ours, and the ones that are wont be ours until we live and stumble upon them.

I have been plagued (and blessed) recently with the problem of having no direction. I think it is obvious why it is a plague, because you find yourself stuck -- not moving forward, but perhaps drifting back. But perhaps it isn't so obvious why it is a blessing, and even I didn't really see it until now, but it is almost a free ride -- no obligations, nothing to stress you out (except on the occasions when you came to realize that you closely resemble a bump on a log; burden to those around you; simply there, but not useful.) And in the meantime, while I'm laying around waiting for life to wake me up, it is that very life that is in my dreams and thoughts trying to remind me of what I already knew: Life isn't going to stop while you search for yourself. It is happening and trying to tell you to live so that you actually can figure it all out. It is like the end of that song, Amputations: "While I'm out knocking at the front door, you're at the backdoor looking for fourleaf clovers, and when you find one you think someone planted it there to fool you. Whats the angle? You look for an excuse. In this modern day and age we have instant coffee, instant tea, and instant disbelief. Thats the reason we never become anything anymore: It's because we never believe in ourselves; we'll always listen to the mass majority. But if everyone's making fun of you and criticizing, you know you're on the right track, cause most of the people ain't got it."


---
I don't have the heart right now to post the rest of what I wrote. But I was one the verge of a breakthrough with myself. Maybe I will post it later...but right now, it doesnt even seem relavent or useful... but almost foolish.




I have something else I wanted to write about though.
Gliding down that hill on my bike. It was a fast pace even for if I had clasped my hands to the bars, or focused my eyes on the pavement rushing toward me and then out from beneath me. But I didn't. Instead I stretched my arms out wide and closed my eyes. I felt the wind at my face, on my arms, and all around me. It held me.
I wasnt afraid.
I was alive.
And it wasnt scary like I had always thought.

From Journal::

Question:
I do no understand life or death,
time or truth,
love or hate.

I do not understand pain or pleasure,
reality, imagination,
madness or sanity.

I read, I learn,
I observe, I feel,
I comprehend but don't understand,
and it is starting to be true - the more I see the less I know.

As for my mind,
troubled with the mysteries of death and time and love,
shrouded with feelings true and fake.

So when hate and love are the same;
there is no difference between life and death;
madness is sanity
or more appropriately sanity is madness;

when corruption is powerful,
and powerless is also spineless;

and to exist is not quite to live,
and to exist and to live is the means and the end;

from where stems joy?
6-1-08
-------------------------------------------------
Thoughts:
So, what if life doesn't mean anything except what you, as an individual make it? Maybe that is why some people are depressed in their lives... they find more meaning in sadness. And mayve that is why some people contract terminal illness -- it is the only thing that will give them meaning. And maybe some people wont find anything in this world so they die at birth. It is an interesting thought and almost comforting because it means there is some order to this chaos... the order is in the chaos.
But then again, maybe there isn't. Maybe we die and live for no reason or purpose, with no meaning - or none we could ever find/decipher. Or maybe it is something else, more or less. Or maybe it is something we have already thought of, or maybe nothing but coincidence and luck.
But meaning, energy... are those the only things that really exist, if anything. Everything else will burn, turn to dust, and be carried in the wind, or settle in the sea. But even the sea will be gone from the form we know and recognize.
So then if meaning is recorded on this paper, and this paper will turn to dust eventually, and not be this paper, and not be to be read, then what is meaning but energy anyway? Is it energy at all? Is it anything at all? It is produced in my mind, fueled by energy, right? So the result of the fuel being used would be the creation of other energy.... ?
6-10-08
----------------------------------------------------------
Answer:
The shadow is chasing me up the hill, trying to steal the precious sunlight from me, from warming me.

Stuck in a valley of houses, on my little patch of green. It is properly managed to stay short and controlled.

This structure shields me from the nature that bore me. shields the sun from showering me in its dangerous glory. And my own shadow, cast upon the grass, grows by the minute, and deprives the grass of its life source too.

She says I can wake up in the morning and choose either happiness or despair. But how can I choose when the world chooses for me the way I must live - in the shadow of society.

[Everything except what the light touches is our kingdom
and soon it will all be dark.]
6-15-08
------------------------------------------------------------
Fuel:
You know what I have? I have love, which is as far as I can tell the best thing in the world and I am eternally grateful for that, but how can I enjoy it in full if there are all these other distractions/expectations of people, of life, or having to fit into this mold and being corralled along with everyone else? The system, making people forget what is important everyday so they continuously fight over money, power, and things that are only real because we make them real, and only matter because they fuel the system that brainwash us all.
...
But, there are these tow little girls playing at the fountain I am sitting one the edge of, and they have so much joy, so little inhibitions, and they. are. living.
And yet, that might go away, and it probably will with time, with age, with worry, with reason, with rules, with conditioning. Their ability to live will likely wear off, just like everyone else.
6-25-08
-------------------------------------------------------------
Unknown:
It is so dark in here.
I should have gotten out when I could.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Truth:
There is truth in books, my words, your words.
But it is not absolute.
7-13-08

sselraef

i want to feel fearless
and free.

i have been riding my bike.
after work there was this hill and i just coasted down it. i longed to stretch out my arms close my eyes and feel free. but i couldnt balance. i couldnt stay straight. and i was too afraid.
"on the back of a motorbike with our arms outstretched trying to take flight, leaving everything behind, but even at our swiftest speed we couldnt break from the concrete, in the city where we still reside..."

The Shins are my friends tonight.

"You don't know how long I've been,
Watching the lantern dim,
Starved of oxygen,
So give me your hand,
And let's jump out the window."

"Go without,
'Til the need seeps in,
You're low anymore,
Collect your novel petals for the stem,
And glow,
Glow,
Melt and flow,
Eviscerate your fragile frame,
And spill it out in the ragged floor,
A thousand different versions of yourself,"

howling dogs and sirens.

why do i hold on so tight? i have been on the edge so long?

and most everyone else lets go.

at times i feel as though it is like an experiment, and i am the control variable. everyone else gets to change with the time... and i am stuck the same, in my bias, idealism, and "innocence." and it is funny that i complain, cause all it takes is letting go.

but at other times, i feel as though i am the only one who is open to change and ready to accept and explore what is different and outside a specific paradigm. it is those times when i feel like i am letting the world change me, when i am "goin' with it," and just floating in the wind. i feel free, and alive, and...


i am lost from the world in myself,
and the world is lost from me.
i want to act on the world,
and i want it to let me.
i want the world to act on me,
and i want to let it.


i just don't know how.
just like you.
i don't want your answers,
they won't bring me closer to the truth i seek.

why

do i feel so worthless?

i love reading through

my old blog posts.

every word means more than anyone but me could ever understand.

hmm

he stopped writing. the first time this happened he wrote religiously as if he were calling her back to him, and knowing she would return. and she did. but he doesn't write this time. ...he stopped completely.

and he too. he is fighting for her. he loves her too. lives for her.

but she... she is so lost. she shuts me out like no one has done before. and him too. it isn't personal, just shocking. she is stuck, trapped in her box, in the fog. and we can't help.

and he doesn't write anymore.



but that isn't all.
no, not at all.

but...
i know the fog will lift,
and he will hold her,
and he will write again.

in time.

tonight.

it is such a strange feeling
but i like it.
Tonight I get to go to bed and feel happy.
I am lucky.
I am loved.
I feel good right now.
It is such a simple thing.
But feels so profound and wonderful.

whatever it takes...

for you.

its when you...

...lay your head down
shut your eyes
and rest your mind.

its called sleep.
remember?


i think i like it when it lets me escape.
and when I'm in your arms.
and when my mind doesn't conjure up horror or pain.

you were right...

"all alone is all we are."

*sigh*

at least one thing has gone right today:: i didnt lose one of my best friend's in the world.

and i can gladly say that is a much better thing to still have than even some-hundred precious pictures. (though, it would be nice to find out that i still had those too... -- i wish i could go back in time for like, no more than 5 minutes to back them up really fast.)

hmm, yea. well maybe I will be lucky with that too. :)

A story.

From my journal last night::

Today was July 1st. That means it has been five months since the night my life changed. I went to a party with with a promise that it would be clean... and it was anything but. I went to the party because I was lost. I truly felt there was nowhere else to go. When I got to the party, I found out it wasn't clean. I got an apology, but I also got many offers of many substances. I got a phone call. Nygil. I had texted him something that made him worry, because I was worried, and he called to check up on me. I pretended to be better than I was. I wasn't good. I remember how I felt. I remember clearly. I felt alone -- like nobody at the party, and nobody elsewhere (except 300 miles away) cared about me. I remember feeling used by the people I had so long called my friends. I remember feeling deserted by the one person who would understand me and relate, that I could talk to face to face. This is how I felt. Maybe it wasn't true, but it was how I felt. And I felt it so strongly that it became real in my head. And anyway, then I remember returning to the room. My spot on the couch was gone. I sat at the end of the bed. I remember seeing people I use to know, people I had written notes to, people I use to have crushes on, people I admired, people I despised. And myself -- sitting on the ground leaned against the foot of the bed. I could see the smoke rise from their mouths, spiraling beautifully upward in a blue-green haze. The arms of the hooka were flailed randomly around its body -- some were reaching for me. His hands on my shoulders -- I remember that too. We exchanged a massage. Everything was spinning. All too real. Nothing solid. Everything flowing around the room, and in my head. I longed for love, I longed to be free of my mind, and I longed to be rid of those that I imagined had betrayed me. I remember his hand holding the fragile pipe up to my face, taunting, tempting. I remember imagining the cool glass body against my lips. I imagined the taste. And most of all, I imagined the high -- one better than the one I had from the free-floating smoke in the tiny room, one that would release me. The feeling that would overwhelm my senses -- let me forget the people who hurt me, and let me forget the troubled world, just like all of them had. I wanted it. I wanted to be a part of it. I almost needed it -- a reason for the people of the outside world to hate me, and leave me alone. I knew it would do the trick. But... much to his surprise, to my surprise, and now... to your surprise, I denied it. I didn't take that hit.
The night -- I imagine -- would have been more confused, more clouded in my memory, and more fun for that matter, if I had. But I didn't. And again to my surprised, as I rode home, I regretted it. "That would have been my pathway to freedom from what is plaguing my life. They would have hated me for it... ... ... well, I guess they still can."
And it was that last thought, the afterthought, after the pause, that changed my life. Because it was the realization that they would never have to know, that gave me a control that I had never taken for myself. It allowed me to take my life into my hands ... but unfortunately such came in the form of a lie. Yea. I lied to those who I wanted to push away, and I lied to those I wanted closer. I want to say it all makes sense to me now, but it doesn't. And I keep going over it in my head for more reason, but there is none.
Three days after the party, I wrote this in my journal::
"I had to. I don't know how, or why. I had to..."
I was referencing the lie, not the action I had claimed to have done (though to anyone who read it, it would have seemed that way). But I knew there was a reason my lie was said and sent before a thought of regret would take form. But eventually regret found its way back to me -- when I lost what I had sought to lose, I tried desperately to get it back. I missed the familiarity, the comfort, and the foundation. But even as I fought for it back, and was rejected again and again, I knew more and more it was somehow the way it had to be. And not only that, but the more I felt un-forgiven, the more I felt free. And I needed that, and I knew it. What I didn't know is why it all had happened -- what it was all leading up to. "There's a reason for everything." What was the reason for this? Why was I so rash, so unlike myself, so wavering in want and need, so selfish? And honestly I still ask what possessed me -- what demon go a hold of me and didn't let go. And I don't know. I don't have any answers and I know you have questions.
The only answer I can offer is "human." Imperfection, temptation, control, longing, emotion, guilt, cowardice, selfishness, and surprisingly enough: love. That is what I wanted -- to feel loved. And ultimately in a twisted and obscure way it led me to the person I now love. But what does that mean? That we are based on a lie? Maybe. That, I don't believe, is for me to decide.
I wrote this and posted it for many reasons. Because I wanted to be brave, and honest and all the things I wasn't before. Because it is what I actually remember. Because it depicts a different part of me as I am than most people see. Because it is real. Because you deserve to know. Because I love you. Because it might just display a meaning beyond the black&white of "right and wrong". Because I want you to decide what it means for us. Because on some days (the days not shrouded with pessimism), I still believe everything happens for a reason. Because I am always growing and changing in ways I don't always understand. And because I want to be an example for other and for myself in the future. I'm sorry.

things i learned from the news tonight::

1.) it is justified for cops to injure innocent bystanders while trying to catch the suspect of a crime as long as they are trying to insure the safety of the innocent public.


2.) BREAKING NEWS:: making sure there is no food outside is an effective way to keep bears away from your house.
(REALLY?! wow! i would be nowhere without the ultimate wisdom of the newscasters!)


3.) it is quite a public tragedy when Starbucks is forced to close 500 of its million stores.
(but WAIT! before you panic! they are only closing stores in which there is another within about a mile radius! You will still get your coffee people, if you really want it. you might just have to walk a few extra blocks...hope that isnt too much for ya)


4.) watermelon's may be linked too increased sex drive...
(that could quite possibly be the most useful thing we have yet.)


5.) FINALLY my all time favorite:
(and i quote...)

"When creatures like this bear lose their god-given fear of mankind, that is when bad things happen."

(i can't quite believe i actually heard that come out of someone's mouth.)



*sigh* at least it is entertaining.

just venting...

No, I don't understand...
people...
why they do this to eachother...
why...

but now i do remember why I hate drugs and alcohol so much:
they make people more susceptible to doing stupid things that they often regret.
they make people dumb
they allow people to forget things that maybe shouldn't be forgotten -- like what is really important to them, what they care about most.


or... maybe people are just dumb. maybe they don't really have anything they care about. maybe they don't have the capacity to really love someone else. maybe they are too afraid, too hasty, too impulsive... ?? maybe...

or maybe i am the one in the wrong.
i mean, it seems like the whole fuckin world is doing it to eachother. cheating.
hardly anyone is loyal anymore.
and for that matter, hardly anyone seems to feel that sex is as special a thing as i feel it is.
so maybe it isn't...

i feel slightly ignorant in the matter since i have never had sex, but at the same time, I have done things that were very sexual with a couple of people and the times when it wasn't the right person, the one I was completely in love with, i felt disgusted with myself.
and when i lost the person i loved and thought i would be with forever, i was really glad i didn't have sex with him especially when sex ended up not meaning the same thing to him as it does to me.

i'm not trying to say the way i live and love is right for everyone. I know it isnt.
But... i also know what it feels like to be in love, and i just can't even comprehend hurting them that way. and i guess that is why i am writing about it. I dont understand. and i probably wont ever understand. i just needed to question out-loud, i guess...

i feel better at least...

could you believe me...

...if i don't remember know what was truth and what was lie.

could you blame me?
could you forgive me?

good day, g'night

kind of in a daze from reading everyone else's blogs...
some heavy stuff
and it takes a lot of energy to be so close to someone else's mind.
or...so far, and then trying to understand anyway.

my shoulder hurts.
i suck at typing today.
i wonder if Elling will ever actually email me...
-- Elling... interesting name
i dont like it when people that i meet ask for my email address and neglect to email me.
-- note to self: get their email instead.

the world is so big.
:/
...sometimes

Heroes?

"Mom and Dad who have stuck together through thick and thin and who have done their best to bring hope and joy to their children. My mom is the strongest person I know, and my dad is the smartest and after everything they have been through their passion for life never ceases to amaze me.
Nathan and Becca are the best siblings in the world. Nathan is my guardian who praises my rights and warns me of my wrongs. The haven and the friendship he offers me are invaluable. Becca is my best friend in disguise. It is only recently that we have actually been getting close on a deep level, and each day strengthens our bonds. Her beauty, courage, faith, and maturity astounds me. Of anyone I know, her loyalty to me has been the least to falter.

I also admire anyone who strives to make change in the world, who isn't afraid to stand alone, and who has learned to take their mistakes in stride."

---
I took this off my myspace cause i dont know how true it is anymore...
What I say is true but... "hero"
first i should figure out what that means to me...

not finished

i could probably scream as loud as the ocean
i could probably smile as big as sun
i could probably punch a hole through the earth




i could probably laugh with the joy of the world
or cry with the pain...

i could probably feel -- if feeling was even a factor anymore,
but your reality has no room for mine.

i am...

_______.

(nothing)

"that's a pretty face"

i donno if it is the fact that you start school tomorrow, or the fact that i am going through all my stuff and reminiscing, or a combination of both, or something more but i had this strange memory come back to me. hanging out at the UW book store at night with my mom, feeling so ready for college, and feeling like that was the place for me. i just looked around... we were in the cafe, it was dark outside, the city lights, the soft laughter, the smell of coffee, just the air, the lighting, the feeling, was everything college was to me. but obviously that was only a ninth grade view of it. i grew out of it. the campus by the water, the perfect mascot, the city setting, the unbeatable shopping district, it wasn't for me. there's something different for me. somewhere. i just don't know if i am on the way there yet. "...put me away"


"do you think we could..."
i am sitting here typing, in my black bra (there are clothes piled high on my bed from going through) and my favorite jeans (ripped in the most inconvenient place so i can only wear them in my room by myself.) but i love this outfit -- I'd wear it everywhere if i could.

"alone again..."
and all too inspired by V tonight. damn that's a good movie.

and...hmm aicilA, your trip, and the story got me thinking too much. and listening to songs that aren't healthy to listen to. or so they say.

there is too much stuff here. too many memories.
oh, alone isn't so good for me.

"jesus christ..."

you know who you are.
you are gonna have to come back sometime soon, and save me. "with nobody in..."
sweep me off my feet before i fall back down by myself. "if they don't put..."
you and me, we are gonna have to change.
you are gonna have to change soon, if you want me.
i am gonna have to change soon too. "i won't know..."


spinning is right...
everything is spinning.

long time...

high school is over.
its summer.
finally.
and no going back next year. just moving on.

uhh anyway... Caitlin and Danne are visiting which is wonderful.
We watched Enchanted tonight. It was such a great movie. just perfect for me.
anyway, life is not like a fairy tale.
frusterated lately. ...yea.
but it is nice to be out of school. that makes things so much less stressful.


yup....

Simba Jackson...

tomorrow night with alicia, and I am soooo excited.
to study for the CI final.
but we have this stupid photo project due and i hate it.
and spanish final...that sucks too.
but we have 2 parties tmo. band and yearbook.

yea, but things are pissing me off...and so I don't even feel like writing now...

Hey Blog.

i was about to vent, but realized there is nothing i can say to cover everything i feel.

i don't understand why i no longer have the ability to be close to people.
i sometimes feel i have lost the capacity to love the way other people do.
i love lots of people, but it isn't how it use to be.
and everyone seems to love me...
which is wonderful. it brings me up to hear people say nice things about me, but
why do I still feel so alone?

my mind is so weird right now:
i forget things, neglect responsibilities, ignore advice...

and in any case, still extremely pessimistic about the human race.
well, actually more bipolar about it. cause i mean, sometimes i have this real inspiration and belief that people will come together to fix things. and then other times i just hate everything we do as a race, everything we seem to stand for:
fucking building a wall between two countries, when we shouldn't even have goddamn countries in the first place.
fuckin proposing to lower gas prices because it is convenient, instead of finding another source of energy. "lets petition to lower gas prices. lets boycott gas for a day, that'll show em." i say raise prices so people get the picture and stop using an outdated resource which is become more and more exploited due to the rise in population.
fuckin standards in school that make people just wanna drop out cause it doesnt even seem possible. "yea, lets put everyone on the same level, make em all take a standardized test which will ruin their life if they can't pass because they dont fit in some god damned mold that is suppose to be the norm in a so called 'diverse' population."
well, yea, i am bitter.
i don't know how to channel my anger into anything.

i want to yell. i want to punch things.
i'm just angry
and tired
and sick of school work
and sick of being looked at & judged
and sick of intolerance, hypocrisy ect ect
sick sick sick!
AHH everything.
except sleep. which is MEh. cause of dreams...about zombies and dinosaurs --
and then i wake up, and they are kinda still real.
*puke*


oh, Caitlin graduated. I am so proud of her! It is so weird to think about since we have known eachother since 3rd grade. It was all just so much... so many memories... just everything.
Nygil did too, but I don't think he wants me to be proud of him. I am proud of him that he put up with people and their bullshit long enough to do it.
and tonight was the last band concert. senior night too. i got a really good applause when it was my turn to be in the spotlight. which made me feel special. and the band did good. and it was fun. but when we went out to the reception i just felt shitty and alone, and like there was nothing to celebrate. cept playing maracas. which is a good thing to celebrate. better than celebrating someone who was a dickwad to me for the past four years, didnt teach me shit, yet calls himself my band teacher and expects me to be grateful and gracious. and i even felt bad for a few seconds there that i didnt stop and talk to him and give him a hug, but FUCK THAT. i am sick of being nice to everyone and then being pushed to the dirt. so he didnt get a hug. or a Hi. just a half smile that was half fake anyway. i'm sick of faking smiles too. and god im sick of not speaking up against injustices in the school. and I am sick of listening to teachers who dont know how to teach, who are on their highhorses about knowing everything, but i sit in their class everyday not getting anything from whatever they babble on about -- which is half the time unrelated to anything like what we expect to learn from a class. and there are only like a handful of staff at the school with any brains, and they are still stuck in the cycle of tyranny sometimes.

yea...so, it is late.
im tired.
this rant is going nowhere.
need shower.
yup. G'night blog.

reminders:

$35 for sweatshirt
$13 for gift
5 person list for grad night copter
10-12 pics for band concert
concert clothes

broken [wings]

so this post might be really random cause my head is everywhere, but i think it will be totally worth reading if i can get my head on straight to sort some shit out that is just bouncing around in there.

where to start?

this morning i was driving out of wood river (well my mom was cause i don't drive) and i was just looking around for Puff. we got out of the neighborhood and i noticed all these differences in the landscaping of woodriver compared to outside and for some reason that made me hope he was still in Wood River if he still is at all. But yea, then when I was driving home (well, matt was driving cause i don't drive) i started looking for him right outside of woodriver with this same hope that i would find him there.
...omg, here we go, this all had a point, and i lost it.
...maybe i need music on to focus:
here we go, some Thrice.

"Still we breathe with broken lungs
We act like none of this matters
Is that what we meant When we said
That we'd sing what must be sung?"

anyway, i am just gonna move onto a different topic.

today i moved swiftly from a state of actually... hmm, somewhere between numbness and submitting to society's life, which is what most people call living. so anyway, i was "living" today, and then someone came along and shook me back into... what ever i have been doing for the past few months/years/whatever, which may very well be what you consider living, but it isn't what I would want to call living. (why is "I" capitalized, but "you" isnt? some reflection of the focus of the majority of society... at least in this pessimism i call a world view.) and anyway, then i started thinking that nobody really "lives" anymore. with the exception of people like Christopher McCandless who actually died because of his habit of living.
"woke up to a brand new skyline..."
am i making any sense? cause i am rambling off things so i don't forget, cause if i forget then my mind might be plagued with too many thoughts once again and i might slip back into that thing i called depression which hindered my life for so long. (and perhaps, i think expressing my distaste for "reality"will somehow rid my of the obligation to endure it... ha, not).
anyway, the thing someone said to me after i jokingly told them, in a joking conversation, that "only losers work at coffee places," was that "only losers are 18 years old, have never had a job, and don't drive." to which i responded: "in your reality, sure." when what i should have said was "only losers submit to a system that bribes them into working so they aren't considered losers." which is probably true. or maybe she just has a job cause she wants money to go help children in Africa, and has a car which pollutes the environment and makes the climate worse for those same children in Africa. i donno. something like that. . . not questioning her care for the people in africa, but simply questioning her reasoning behind everything she does, and how effective that reasoning is in the scope of things. which, in that reality, is probably rather effective. in which case i am still just complaining and rambling, in which case, knowing me, I don't really care.

"But they tell me just to shut my mouth;
leave well enough alone."

I was listening to Thrice in Matt's car too, which much inspired some of my thinking, because they sing a lot about the human condition and well, it is kinda just up my alley of emotion right now.
"I feel that I was meant for something more
My curse, this awful power to unmake"

Oh, and last week i wanted to talk about the Rachel's Legacy assembly except my inspiration for that was completely thrown off when i had to go write an in-class essay, and sightread christmas music in band immediately following the assembly.
Anyway, last year i wrote a bitchofalong blog about the assembly, and the follow up reminded my of a lot of how i got to be the way i am, which is... the alex that you see everyday but probably dont know as well as you may think. but i was just thinking, maybe the reason she
died was cause she had "a heart so big that god wouldnt let it live" like the Jimmy Eat World song. i mean, maybe she was just to idealistic to live in a world with such injustice, indifference, evil, hypocrisy, ect. and maybe i am that way too, except maybe I am not as strong as her and will submit to it anyway like everyone else (minus the people who take a stand against those evils like Martin Luther King Jr, JFK, Malcom X, Robert Kennedy, Gandhi, Jesus... who are all dead because of it). "and there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends"

"are we fools and cowards all?"
Oh, and Quinn's article. man that was probably the coolest thing ever. totally took it to the man. most of us just ain't that damn brave... or smart for that matter.
"Tell me are you free
While the gallows stand
And bullets lance the bravest lungs
We fold our hands and hold our tongues"

which reminds me of this article my mom gave me about a brave boy who is 16 and bought a sail boat and is about to sail around the world in it by himself, while studying on the boat and stopping at ports and countries around the world. i am pretty tempted to call him up and plead to join him, cause it is kinda my dream too. but anyway, he is another one of my heroes.

"The open water chills me to my bones,
but it's the only place that I feel alive."

"I don't need money, it makes people cautious." -CMC
"i want to be like him" -me
"no, you don't" -father

ha.

fuck all your towers, words, steel, and nations of dust.
"we live in but a shadow of the real."

oh, and i drempt about zombies. it was like a planned and carried out pandemic leashed on the world by the people of power, to first get everyone in a state of conformity by releasing a viral serum which forced that. and if there was any trouble to then the substance would turn them into the flesh eating monsters we all know and love, and kill those who refused to take the conformity serum. that was my basic interpretation, besides it being a scary zombie dream the majority of which was set in a mall. but it was basically a microcosm "reality."
"We dream of ways to break these iron bars
We dream of black nights without moon or stars
We dream of tunnels and of sleeping guards
We dream of black outs in the prison yard"

i'm done for now. made my point.

off to senior awards night,
and i'm not dressing up.

Kinemortophobia

the name of the fear...

^_^

I guess i really missed my mom...

talking is good.

stuffy.

I guess I should update. It's been a week.

This weekend was insane!
Recluse on Friday
Folklife Saturday
and Sasquatch Sunday.
Yea. Good times.

Trying to plan a huge end of the year party.
It'll be sweet.
ANYWAY...
i don't really have much to say.

Same ol' complaints. --school, society, people, illness ect.
and same ol' ...opposite of complaint...s. --Matt, friends, graduating, ect.

yup...
ok, gonna go try to get my immune system back up.

so today...

was good.
:)

happy half birthday to me.

fuck.

i'm falling apart.

Fairytale: On Hold.

Prom last night was so damn perfect.




Welcome back to reality.

What is getting me down?

I don't even know anymore.

Today was good. Nothing bad happened. And yet, I reach the end of it, and I feel like absolute shit.

grr. maybe i am too tired for my own good.

Press[ure]

I actually got some stuff done today.
Ben talked to me. helped me feel better about myself.

I need to go visit the chinchillas soon.

so much stuff to finish...
and to start.

I just want Prom night to last forever, cause I think it will allow me to just relax, feel beautiful, have fun, and actually ENJOY being a senior.

Its finally May 13th, and...

in exactly a month I will be graduated and FOREVER done with High school. But that month seems as far away as it did a month ago, and a month before that, and a month before that. I want to enjoy my last month of high school, but it is kinda fuckin hard when teachers don't have hearts to let us slowdown for a while and have fun after all our hard work.

Anyway, I'm down on myself for so much. And no, I don't want someone to come and tell me just how great they think i am. Sorry... no more temporary highs of self-worth.

I worked my ass off through high school. AND FOR WHAT?!
No scholarships, no soccer team to go play on, no place to LIVE over the summer. NOTHING came of all that fucking effort.

I have friends, family. That is more than I could ask for. EXCEPT THE FACT that I absolutely KILLED myself (still am) to get through high school and have something come of it, and all that lies ahead of me is homelessness, joblessness, and 4 years at what everyone thinks is a second-rate school -- which it isn't, but I AM starting to feel pretty damn second-rate myself.



On the other hand:
Prom seems as though it is going to be as perfect as I could imagine (though I had to be kinda selfish to get that to go over, and in doing so probably slightly upset some people).
I have the perfect dress. And I get to go with the guy I am absolutely crazy about.


Let's change notes again:
Death Cab CD came out today. Don't quite have an established feeling about it. My overall excitement in anticipation of it was kinda clouded anyway with thoughts that I might not be so impressed as I had always been before. On my first listen I guess rather than disappointment, mild shock was the prevalent feeling (not that I didn't know it was going to be different, but just, the way in which it was different.) I guess the time I was listening, I was waiting for something --a single song-- to pop out at me. There were definate moments that caught my attention, but I kept finding myself somewhat nostalgic for Plans -- or at least the initial goosebumps that album gave me.
I listened a second time, uninterrupted, and it all came together for me. Although some of the transitions of the songs were awkward, and the abrupt starts and stops caught me off guard, the album as a whole is just neat. It was this personal experiment of theirs that was completely unhindered by outside view, and the fact that it is even listen-able, if not attractive and addicting (I keep starting it over after the last track), is quite a stunning fact.
Nygil just pointed that other people have said it is "claustrophobic sounding". Fitting considering the title Narrow Stairs. And fairly fitting to the album itself since it is crowded with sounds of every kind from every direction. OH, speaking of Directions, I need to fucking find that movie and show it to Matt.

I guess I should go. Not much else to say right now.

Ayer:

We were only in there for like 7 minutes. The song that plays is "Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart."
its funny how sounds can bring you so far back...

I don't know the meaning of life...

or anything else

but I love you.

Him.

there is this one damn band that i STILL can't listen to without hurting...

for some reason I feel the need to preserve its original meaning.
and I fear I will wear that out,
and I fear it will be too much,

but it is so beautiful...

eating tortolini reminds me of you.

so, today is good.
these lyrics pretty much describe most of it... my head won't wrap around anything right now. but i do think today is good. which is lovely, and the rest of the song applies too, in its own way...

"I should've turned back
I should've known better
Than to walk away defeated
I'll say it tonight, I'll say it forever
And this time I really swear I mean it

Oh I need you now
The earth fell fast asleep
This room is safe and sound
Will you lay here with me and feel it?

I think I like today 
I think it's good 
Its something I can't get my head around

True love is something that comes easy
Just one kiss god I swear I want to.
I heard a pin drop and a nervous heart beat
Have you ever heard me scream I love you?"

--

yup.

"also check out the mental health table at lunch."

in between the coming and the going
there is nothing,
for me.

(this is what you call purgatory.)




"i wish i had a thousand Alex Eisenberg's."
"Alex is the most amazing person i know."
I guess I don't think people have an accurate depiction of me,
--they have what I want them to see,
but not all of me. And I guess I could say I am glad for that,
but I know all of me, which is more real,
--and I am not quite so impressed.



it is a good question, why we are doing this to ourselves. . .
(and you either downplay it or ignore it).
I'm stuck on it.

ps. when someone says "i don't know how you feel..." that is prime time to tell them how you feel.

alex:

doesn't have time to watch House.
is lonely.
is hungry.
is tired.
has too much mccormick stupid homework.
ugh.
doesn't like humanity right now.
wants to lay in the rain that doesn't exist.
is sick of making complete sentences:

want arms. squeeze me. now.
hate hugging self.
procrastinating.
grr.
temptation. no good...
soccer tournament. HEAVEN! Begging. Need. Please.
escape.
job? fuck.
grr.
homework.
HATE POINTLESS OBLIGATIONS
stupid society.

calm my mind...
somebody/thing...ect. please

nothing,,,

"arm yourself because no one else here will save you..."

i don't really know how i feel right now.

i guess i wanna warn some people that i will probably be in a pretty bad mood. but i donno how accurate that is.
my mood is so off the wall, all over the charts, lately. i guess i just bend to the changes of the world. lucky i don't break.

i got exercise today. walked home from north bend.
it felt good to sweat.

i should probably eat better, and more.
i should probably start to exercise more.

but "should". goddamn, i hate that word.
maybe i just hate it right now.
tomorrow i will probably find a reason to love it, or tolerate the use of it.
but, right now, i should go do my homework.
i'm gonna go do it. who knows why...

wish i had the spark to write right now.
used it all up power walking home to the not-so-bright tunes on my mp3 player.


NEED/deeplycrave a 70 page spiral
--so i can fuckin write when i actually feel something. :S


(i don't think this post accurately portrays the complete disarray of my mind right now...)

"And glow,
Glow,
Melt and flow,
Eviscerate your fragile frame,
And spill it out in the ragged floor,
A thousand different versions of yourself..."

through

through music,
through you,
through connections,
through love,
through synchronicity,
through circularity,
through balance,
or imbalance.
or nothing.
or everything.
through fire and water,
through earth and air,
through each action
each movement
each time.
through truth
and lie.

through and through
it all.


~~~
I've watched the rain dripping from the roof, falling, and hitting the same rock, over and over, for years and years.

when will it finally start to erode away?

thru...

fuckin sick of dealing with dumbass, close minded people.
sick of hearing about patriotism and all that bullshit that people are brainwashed into believing is important.
sick of religious and other bigots, who pretend to know what is right for everyone, because somehow they were gifted with the light of ultimate knowledge and wisdom.
sick of ignorance, intolerance, and hypocrisy.
sick of complacence. . .

*cue lyrics*

"Now I got no patience
So sick of complacence
With the d the e the f the I the a the n the c the e
Mind of a revolutionary
So clear the lane
The finger to the land of the chains
What? the land of the free?
Whoever told you that is your enemy.
Yes I know my enemies
They're the teachers who taught me to fight me
Compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission
Ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality, the elite
All of which are american dreams."

sick of being a cog in the machine.
sick of being a tool.
sick of being part of the cause -- "we are the cause of a world that's gone wrong"
sick of humanity (which i so wholeheartedly fight for)
sick of human tendencies
want to transcend...

thru with this.

words fail me

Imagination
is reality
that we fight off
for reasons
we call "tangible," "evident," "real."
But is really just fear
keeping us in this latent box of idealism,
which holds standards based on everything we know or have seen,
but not on everything there is.

Imagine
that reality
is nothing we can touch
or see,
nothing fully grasped (only glimpsed) by images or words and thoughts.

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
~~~

Imagine
that the reality of the lives of others
- which you so willing bury under your ideals -
are damaged or lost, for nothing.

well...

that lasted long...

Amazing.

I feel good.
Today was my turn to feel good.
Not just okay. More than fine. Finally.

All day, I felt good about who I am,
I didn't feel like pressure from other people to do anything, mattered.
All of a sudden I was relieved of this pressure. I just felt good.
I'm ready for next week: efolio presentations, sending in my college enrollment.
And the next week: AP testing.
Then, I'm kinda feeling pretty home free after that.
Yea, I feel like a bird. I feel free. Almost. The excitement of the cage opening up, ya know? SO cliche, but so accurate too.
About 28 hours ago I didn't see a point to life at all. Now I feel different.

For once, I hope this lasts.

Seye.

those stupid eyes, that taunt, cause i know them so well, too well, more than you think, because they stare at me from their corners, just the way his did -- but those meant something different then, than yours do now. now they hint, but give away no secrets that were once no mystery at all. now they taunt, thats the only word, because they are just begging me, backward and forward, fooling me, both ways: nostalgia of past and promise of future -- and nothing real, that i can feel, now. now, when i should feel -- the only time i should feel -- there is nothing, because promise means next to nothing, and memories too, for they do not alter, are not altered. unless we learn. and if i learn, what do i learn? except not to trust those eyes, stupid eyes. eyes that i love. boy that i love. loved. love. now. new. different.

*sigh*

spending hours...

going back and fourth from the Evergreen and FairHaven sites, isnt helping me make a decision -- just making me fall even more in love with both. . .

meh

want to write,
too much to say,
no motivation to say it.

'should' sleep

"the mighty oak tree was once a nut like me..."


"i wish i was a beautiful as a tree."

...*10 minutes later*
josh just called... (miracle)
he always calls on the right nights.
it was nice to talk to him for a few minutes.
he listens. and
he is one of the few people who says a lot without having to actually verbalize much.
it doesn't even matter what we talk about, he cheers me up.
i miss him. it was good he called.

i was gonna say something
a quote: "life only demands of you the strength that you possess."
i donno how true that is, but it is a comforting thought.

train

I am so okay
so depressed
so certain
so confused
so torn
everything is literally tearing me in half
i want to tear in two
end this
madness
madness
in my head
polar poles pulling apart
stretched too thin
too thin
no food
desire focused elsewhere
pulled
it hurts
makes me grit my teeth
want distraction -- different pain
sting, cut, bite, crush, punch, kick
walls
i can't even write
think straight
emotion overwhelms
not inspires
hold back
respect you
you move
you do it
please
or tell me no
please
suffering
self inflicting
selfless
help me
help me
listen
you don't listen
none of you fucking people listen
understand
you don't understand
you don't listen
only hear what you want
you think what you please
i do what i do for all of you
and it makes you think I'm okay
no one's okay
I'm okay
I'm so okay

amanda's blog:

"I want an open field to run and roll around in. In an airy, flowing dress.. unkept hair.. just the right amount of sunshine.

That would be wonderful."

me too... i want to feel beautiful.

tuR

So this weekend was somewhat shrouded with disappointment.

Besides plans not going through, a really frustrating guys soccer game for Mount Si, and my still not having a prom date, I have to worry about finishing the stupid efolio so I fuckin' graduate, and deciding on which college to go to. For the past two days something has drawn me to Fair Haven all of a sudden, after a couple of weeks focusing purely on Evergreen as being my decision. I don't know why it switched. And I don't know what to do with it. Now it is like, back wanting both/hating both. I don't like either of my options right now. But I love them both too much to turn down the other. I know, contradicting. This is what LIMBO feels like. Each time I assert that I want to go to one or the other, I just feel this misery come over me, like it is going to be a huge mistake...like I am not gonna be good enough, or I am not going to push myself to my potential. (And then I wonder how much that matters in the reality of life -- this is not the right state of mind to make a decision from). It completely sucks.

Not to mention, I have NO money, and I am in debt to like EVERYONE because of how much fuckin' money I borrow and how many time people have to drive me home after school, and that doesn't even include how much I owe Matt for everything he does for me.

My self esteem is everywhere on the charts, and same with my mood. They mirror each other. I am bi-polar for sure and its getting worse.

Nothing looks any brighter anytime soon. Visiting tony was kinda a bad idea for lots of reasons and I don't understand why he would want me to see him like that, or his family, or anything. But I bet he just thought it was all fine. I bet he wasn't conscious of what went wrong while I was there. So I guess it is my fault that I witnessed that and that I feel this cause I was the one who went there.
Everything apart from that is pretty fucked up too.

Mom's home. Much happier than before. Hope it lasts but there are all the medical problems too. Maybe she is sleeping better though, now that she feels accomplished at least somewhat in music and probably even more-so in her dive training.

I'm not going to try to hide it: the best thing about life is Matt. But there are kinda issues there too. Mainly due to my own mental instability and my stupidity... and ya, frustration on a few different levels.

Meh, I am done complaining. Gotta find some other way to kill time until Matt gets back...assuming he actually comes back.

My sister is lucky. She is so happy. She made nationals for her ...sermon, I think it is called and she gets to go to like North Carolina for that. She is like mom, good at everything she does. And Nathan just picks up a camera, and now he is amazing at that. I... (have literally been sitting here for 5 minutes now, honestly trying to think of something I am good at... and the one thing I have come up with is not really an accomplishment or something to be proud of... woohoo.)

goodnight

Rainbow Radical.

sorry. i haven't written much lately, as you can probably tell.
I donno if it is that i don't have much to say, or just don't feel like i can say it here, or what. regardless, here I am. Back, writing again.

I guess lately there isn't much new to say.
I am sorta stuck on college. Like, whether or not to go, and if I go, where to go, and if I go there, what to do.
Whenever I assert that Evergreen is the place for me (which is more often than not), I always feel these pangs of curiosity about what I could accomplish at Fair Haven. But if I think about going to Fair Haven, I just get scared and kinda angry about the whole idea of college. I don't think it is because of the school, but mainly because I am so in love with Evergreen, but know I could easily love Western/Fair Haven, though it would be going against my gut, or...my head, or... my heart, or... something. Yea, something just draws me to Evergreen. And other things make me look back at Western. I am scared of many things about both schools. See. Stuck. and yea, 'tis fear.

What else is newish?
oh, I'm like head over heals in love. And what comes with love? CONFUSION! But I think everything on that front is, ya know, pretty damn good. It is weird though. I was thrown off by these feelings. Its funny, I was so focused on something else, I just kinda got blindsided. That's the way of it, I guess. And I'm not complaining either -- its beautiful.

I'm slightly sick. It is a weird sickness though, and nothing is really helping. Its just in my throat and sometimes I sneeze.

I don't know why I am writing all this. Guess I just missed the texture and sound of typing. I'm gonna go do some work now. And probably get to bed fairly early.

Didn't really try on the practice AP test (which translates to "I can't write worth shit anymore, especially under pressure." Or maybe, it is that I just stopped caring, and somehow that translates to my subconscious, while my conscious thinks it's trying. Ha, whatever.)

No set world view right now. No real goals. I'm just goin' with it. Which reminds me... of The Girl Next Door, which reminds me of Prom, which is a month away...oh gosh. Oh yea, and 40 more days of hell/school/let's-party-it-up-while-it-lasts. Haha. I am in a weird mood. Oh, and tomorrow I am dressing up in muchos colores señores. Yup yup.

Well...

life is interesting, to say the least.

I am going to sleep now.
Maybe I will wake up for school tomorrow,
maybe not.

Long time.

Nothing to write about lately.
Its Spring Break:
2 of mom's recitals
lots of Matt :)
Facake party
that's it so far.

life is so "blah" right now.
one great part, a couple good things, and the rest is just blank or meaningless.

She is...

kinda like the weather.
today began with snow layering the ground.
and by afternoon the sun was shining, warm weather, no sign of snow, whatsoever.
fuckin bipolar

Have some composure:

Caitlin, Nygil and Sean are coming to visit tomorrow!! Spontaneity is essential for existence. :)

I did one scholarship so far. Fuck. I NEED MONEY FOR COLLEGE! I did the one about Tess. It is the one that has the most meaning. Most of the others have no heart -- "tell us how great you are. XP." Nope, that isn't who I am, which is going to make getting any money from anyone difficult. They want suck-ups. I can't do that shit.

Hmm. Today was weird. It was snowing this morning. And in Band we sightread Christmas songs. And for a bit there I thought I was going insane thinking I might have been dreaming the past few months and I was still stuck in December. Turns out not. It was kinda a bittersweet thought, but I don't really want to go into detail.

I am...uhh, how do I put this?
. . . I can't put it. Not here. *sigh* My journal is filling up faster everyday...


Can't believe I never actually read these lyrics before tonight. I love them:
"Starts with one
i can't feel
its all in your mind anyway..
i can't heal
make me feel this way

now there's two
i can't see
I've never felt this way
i can't feel
anything anyway...

lets show them
the only way
lets show them
our hearts

only three
i can't seem
to get enough anyway
i can't speak
nothing to say anyway

lets show them
the only way
lets sew up their hearts ..

distorted light moves in
or am i mistaken?

it feels so cold

there goes today ...
it slowly fades ..
slowly fades away.

here comes today
never go away"

Tess

I thought i had to write an essay to get this scholarship, but I really didn't have to. Glad I did anyway. here it is:

"When I heard the news about Tess through my sister, a friend and teammate to Tess, memories flashed through my head, but no feelings of remorse escaped my heart. Death is not something I mentally cope with well. I keep the picture from her memorial service hanging by my computer; I look at it everyday. Someone once asked me, "How do you look at her everyday?" I told her, "So I never forget." What I meant was that there are many things I learned from experiencing Tess' death; things it is important for me to think of each day.

The first reason is that the end of her life was not a deliberate decision on her part. At the point I was in life, I had considered suicide frequently, but looking at Tess always reeled me back in. Her stunning, smiling face looked at me and said "live, for those who can't." And that was my resolve, to live while I still have that choice. Thinking about how quickly it could all end is one of the driving factors in my higher education and in my athletics, especially soccer. (Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets).

Another thing I think about when I catch even the quickest glimpse of her face is what she taught me a lot about the importance of human contact and universal love. Since the initial knowledge of her death impacted me most due to my sister's reaction to it, I was able contemplate her death without it being so personal that it clouded my thoughts. During these periods of thoughts, I played over and over the small and seemingly insignificant memories that included her. A volleyball celebration hosted by my sister was one that really stuck out, but the more important memory that passed over my mind time and time again, was getting of the bus everyday, and walking behind her on the way to my boyfriend's house. She lived right next to him, and I was 5 feet from her everyday, yet, we never said a word to eachother. This was a powerful memory for me. I will never walk behind her again. I will never have another chance to reach out to her for some sort of human connection, or to find out that she was more than "the chick who gets off the bus with me and talks loudly on her cell phone." I don't ever want to let another opportunity to know someone slip away like that, and I never want to judge someone the way I did her. So I began reaching out to people; I began to interact with others on a more personal level; when we returned to school, I began to care about everyone who passed me in the halls at school. She helped clear my soul of judgment and she taught me how to love people I don't even know, for I didn't know her, yet she changed my life. (So love the people...)

I wanted others to take something more than grief out of the tragedy as I did. I knew there would be assemblies and memorials about her, that I could speak at, and I vouched to do that. At her memorial held in the school auditorium, I stood up and spoke to the crowd hardly out of will, but more out of obligation. I told the audience how I had misjudged Tess, and I shared with them my resolve to open myself up to anyone and everyone, and I asked them to do the same. "Life is precious, as we are all feeling right now. It is too brief, too sudden to fill our hearts with hate. Too much in this school do I feel hatred pervade the halls. I ask you to remember Tess, the compassion you say she had for people and the world. Never forget her, or what she has taught us." It was then, as I was speaking, that the reality finally hit me - what death actually means, and then, what life means. I realized it that day, and I have relearned it everyday since. (Everything happens for a reason.)

Since my speech, I have learned of the love Tess possessed and the way she tried to share it with the world. With the help of this scholarship I wish to give myself the opportunities to spread her love in ways that she no longer can, and share my love with each person that surrounds me."

Stair Step.

Music, is officially the only thing keeping me alive right now. See that picture? that is the album art from Narrow Stairs. Narrow Stairs is the driving factor of my life currently. Death Cab's album will be released in May. May is almost the end of school, when school ends I might have a bit more will to live, so I guess it would be a good thing if my interest in experiencing this album stays strong.


The Justice concert last night was another example of how music is literally saving my life. Here is what I wrote in my journal about it, but I will probably add to it here cause I wasn't quite finished:
Finally starting to think straight again -- or, ya know, what they consider straight. The concert completely refreshed me. I feel like I just sweat out all the bad stuff. It gives me somewhere for my mind to go. I just shut my eyes and I am back with the bass, drenched, crowded, hardly able to breathe (and what I manage to breathe can hardly be considered oxygen -- but it is still life). What I feel is nothing short of release. Music booming, lights blaring, so ethereal, so comfortable. Shut your eyes, pass out, wake up. They hold you up. It's beautiful -- they hold you up. You fall, they scramble to pick you up. You wake up. Hair dripping, clothes soaked through with perspiration not your own, everyone else's, everyone around. Everyone is one. Moving, pulsing, crawling, dancing, jumping for a reason. Escape. To feel alive. To get away from this faux-reality that we live in from day to day -- I don't like it there. Instead, I will return, where everything is real. Raw. Where everyone leans on everyone else. Where everyone holds everyone else up. Where a communal, hot dew hangs in the air, makes us breathe deeper, makes us crave air in our lungs, fresh water, a cool breeze (all less than 100 feet away, yet we refuse because we know this beautiful, claustrophobic, dark, dank crowd holds a concentration of life bursting at the seams with emotion, healing, power and truth. This is living.

conditional...

I should be working on yearbook stuff ...But so should everybody else.

anyway. i will write about last night later. right now...i just want to talk about how...
actually, i don't even know. i was going to write something, but I can't really see how it is relavent without talking about last night, and i don't have time for that right now.

Realizing what is truely important gives me a happier disposition. Though, lately I have been pretty unable to state something as universal fact. I guess I don't feel like I am big enough (significant enough) to understand what is true and what isnt in the whole scheme of things. Maybe I shouldnt even try to look at life with such a broad outlook (I think someone told me that -- Josh or someone). But at the same time, I refuse to look at life with such a narrow perspective as these people who surround me do. Maybe my refusal to do that is narrow, but honestly, I have been there before. Life is more interesting my way, even if it is miserable sometimes.


hmm... nostalgic feelings throw me off... catch me off guard. ignore them for now. i will tell you about it later.

let's try this again:

Note to self: DON'T DO THAT AGAIN.

...the past doesn't matter anyway...
does it?
yea, i will say that, to make myself feel better. to make my life NOT feel like a lie...
doesn't make it true though.



ps. the hot shower didn't calm me down this time. it just hurt...
and i was crying, because of who i was.

i hope I'm not that person anymore.
and I hope I don't fuck this one up.

Hush.

its raining today.
last time i laid in the rain, i got punished though...yea, sick.

scolding showers are all the rage though, and give me... almost the same rush -- maybe better.
"joy, sorrow, ecstacy, pain, release, confinement" (-nyg.)

there are 2 pillows side by side on my futon. lay on my back -- there's an extra pillow -- watch the rain fall.
my hand smells like puke. my hair smells like chlorine. (icky.) the house smells like turkey.
dull day. its Easter, whatever that means. (isn't it usually in April?)
we are celebrating mom's b-day.
hmm, extra pillow...



Dashboard:
"Taste
I love the taste
I need its warm rush

Rush
I need the rush
To pulse through my veins

And I'll love you tonight
Oh I love you tonight
And tomorrow you may just
Feel the same

Please don't. bite. down.

I will know I'm alive

Rush
There is no rush
There is no reason
To blush
There's only us
To keep it between

And I'll love you tonight
I will love you tonight
And tomorrow we may just feel the same

And I won't. bite. down.
('Til the moment counts)

And I'll know I'm alive
And I'll know I'm alive
Give me some teeth
Give me something
Unforgettable
And I'll know I'm alive"
-By DC

The Rush.

for two days I was beaming.
for two days, I've been dreaming.
(i didn't mean to make that rhyme. it's just how it is.)

the days are blending.

where did I wake up this morning?
...oh yea, dnomder. wonderful.
that was a long time ago, though.

i wish i could remember what was real about the last couple of days...that might make this easier.
i wish i could . . . say it all.

I'm doing alright (my dreams might disagree with that).

Let's see how I do around more than a few people tonight. Lately, I don't handle it that well.

I feel sick.
uncertainty.
contradict.

I'm trying.
i promise.

_______ #2

"How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read - just yet
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart (x2)

There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective, when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart

I will possess your heart

You reject my advances and desperate pleas
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart"

I am fairly certain these lyrics will forever remind me of tonight in all its sadness, beauty and truth. (oh god... "i once new a girl in the years of my youth, with eyes like the summer all beauty and truth, and in the moment i fled, left a note and it read 'someday, you will be loved.' " -- sometimes Death Cab, or at least, Ben Gibbard knows me all to well. though, i really hope that line isn't pertinent to my situation, as it has been far too many times before. ahh, i digress.)

ever since i heard the bass line to this song on the promoter video for the new album, i couldnt help but smile every time i heard it. yesterday when i was listening to it, i was beaming, and as soon as Ben's voice cracked that first plea, tears came. it was a combination of the new sound to his voice, the 4 minute buildup to the lyrics, and then what he was actually saying to her, to me, to him. all the other 5 or six times i listened to it (prior to this evening) i just lit up, no matter what else was going on...it just hit me with this uncontrollable joy. the fact that the lyrics are just absolutely parallel to me, made it all the better. and Ben's complete self-assuredness just makes me laugh (especially now... geeze, SYNC). and the little, almost inaudible, "just yet" that completes his total confidence, wow...i don't even know what to say. magnificent.
even the slightly annoying 4 minute intro has meaning to me. kinda forces you to be patient, when you really don't want to. you know? ....well, I know. and here we are.

now that this has turned into a (not nearly) complete review of the song relative to Alex's life....all i really wanted to say was... I'm kinda in the stars after tonight. Confused, kinda panicked inside, but strangely .... calm. does that make sense? no. not to most people. it doesn't matter though. right now, there isnt much that matters. but the things that do matter, are enormous. absolutely colossal. beautiful. gosh this is strange! i can't define it. it is just.... ______ yea. like the shower...

________

I'm shaking.
Took the longest shower I have taken for years. It was the hottest shower I ever took. I cranked the hot water to high. Trying to feel something. I felt it. It numbed my entire body. I just stood there. The clogged drain backed the water up. I let it get up to my ankles. I never wanted it to stop. The steam made it hard to breath. Panicked breathing in the calmest state. I felt so alive. The water jumping in and out of the holes on my razor made me laugh. I drifted back into numbness. The water streamed onto my head. Numbing thoughts. Disillusioned. I laughed again. Then shook my head and cried. I talked aloud. Shaking. Water trickled off my shoulders, down my back. Warmed me. Held me. The jumping water caught my eye again. Somehow it told me the shower was over. Over. So I unwillingly turn the handle and the water stopped. Stepped out. Looked at the red that scorched my body. Closed my eyes. Never felt so much. So much... Dragged the clothes and towel off the counter and walked to my room with them at my side. I didn't dress, dry off. Laid on my bed naked, curled up, soaking wet. Never felt so. Felt so... I laid there. In comfort. Until the steam from the shower reached the fire alarm. I laughed. Rolled on to the floor. Peaked out my door at the steam. It couldn't see me. Waited, knowing dad would stop the awful noise. Steam diffused. Beeping halted. Quiet. Numb. Tingling. Shaking.
Escape.

cigam

I'm kinda sad right now.
I had a great day, but tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day.
I was talking to Nyg and he said he wasn't going to wear green -- told me that he didnt believe what St. Patrick stood for.
So I looked it up, and I don't believe in what he stood for either -- converting people.
I celebrate Christmas and Chanukkah because they are like tradition with the family and good cultural experiences, but this holiday isn't like that.
The reason I am sad is that, I always liked wearing green and pinching everyone who didn't. But now all of that seems cultish...and for a "cult" I don't even share beliefs with.
This got me curious and so I looked up St. Valentine too. The stories I found were completely different from the ones I had heard as a 3rd grader (about the guy who was a martyr for love, in prison, and made a blind girl see...or something like that). I guess the guy was a martyr for Christianity in Rome, but it wasn't the same. It isn't like I celebrated V-day or anything this year, but it was just that I liked the idea of supporting a guy who was fighting for something more than religion.

Once again, I find that ignorance is such bliss. I miss childhood so much sometimes.

I try to keep it with me --innocence-- without being ignorant to the actual meaning of things, like holidays and such.

Like, on Christmas morning, I feel this child-like joy that is just so pure and wonderful, knowing there is ham and presents downstairs. I despise the idea of not being childlike on christmas (alas, I am a slave to society). But at the same time, I know what I am supporting when I celebrate Christmas: Hypocrisy, consumerism, religion.
Thinking about those things makes it much less enjoyable, magical, beautiful... but if I don't think about them, then that makes me ignorant (something I despise). Paradox.

I wonder if everything is like that: that the way things really are makes them a lot less magical.
Like Disneyland. My favorite (imaginary) place in the world. Going backstage ruined it for a while. And I try to block that out when I go there so I can get caught up in the joy it brings me. But that could be a dumb thing to do. A stupid childish thing to do. Ignoring the truth.
Maybe magic doesn't exist...


Geez. Where did this pessimism come from?

Note to self:

NEVER do that again.

WHY CAN'T YOU TURN AND FACE ME?

WHY CAN'T YOU TURN AND FACE ME?
WHY CAN'T YOU TURN AND FACE ME?
YOU FUCKING DISAPPOINT ME!

--Passive.

I love that song.


sick. headache. gross.
confused.

i feel so small. like a hamster.
someone should pick me up and hold me as though i was the softest, cutest thing in the whole world.
haha.




oh god, it is bad when i don't even want to write...
i can sleep.
don't worry, i sleep better when i am completely delusional and thoroughly discouraged.

Gravity.

Let the world change you...

"Lost again, broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me,
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live...

I fell again, Like a baby
Unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go

Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down
Another needy hole
Please release me"

Animals.

"I hold you in cupped hands, a little animal..."
Somehow, I have been drawn to this lyric lately.

Today, I went pet shopping with Amanda.
We went to PetSmart and PetCo and then back to PetSmart.
I watched the doggies play and fight.
And I kept the kitties company for a while.
And fell in love all over again.
We got a hamster. Well, Amanda did.
And I pretty much resolved that I am bringing a chinchilla to college with me.


It would come back to this.
efil, gninaem, ssenippah.
When I was a (smaller) kid, I always wanted to be a vet.
it's funny how much we change,
and how little.

Once again, it is animals that seem to give life a little more meaning for me.
It just makes me feel more alive, being around animals. Sometimes, they understand just a little bit more than humans.

I don't know anything except I spent time with some dogs and cats and hamsters and lizards and snakes today, and I feel much better than I have for a good while.

PassiveAgressive.

Since when is "I've been hurt" a good reason to use other people? Or mess with them...or suddenly respond to the fact that they care about you.

I am so angry today. Angry, but...also, oddly enough, slightly carefree...? maybe? something like that.


Angry though.
So angry.
Focus.
Good things:
talking to Alicia again
successful & fun Tolo
talking to Sean in the library yesterday
gonna watch a movie with Amanda tonight
breakfast/guitar hero party tomorrow morning
USE concert this weekend
Acceptance letter from FairHaven

yea...working on optimism, but I hate what I see in the mirror today, I'm exhausted, have lots of reading to do, getting sick, missing Matt's game, everyone is gone this weekend, too many decisions, grades aren't good enough, sight reading.

Angry music & Death Cab = all the rage, lately.

Death Cab is always right.

a somewhat random selection of Death Cab lyrics:

Pinch to snub that restless nerve
And knock the wind from one last urge

I've always fallen fast with too much trust in the promise that
"no one's ever been here, so you can quell those wet fears."
I want purity, i must have it here right now.

I don't mind restrictions or if you're blacking out the friction
It's just an escape (it's overrated anyways)

And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

I need you so much closer
So come on, come on

"do they collide?"
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time.

I tried my best to keep my distance from your dress but call-response overturns conviction every time.

my best judgement signed its resignation.
I rushed this.

But i thought that this meant something more than broken hearts and new addictions.

I'm definitely shaking
The silence isn't breaking
Backwashed and stranded memories
Of something i thought could be

Your brain is the dam
And i am the fish who can't reach the core.

Oh, instincts are misleading
You shouldn't think what you're feeling
They don't tell you want you know you should want.