Continue.

(to change and be changed)

jinxx554.blogspot.com

Lines and circles.

How...is that...possible?

2 weeks... (that's a long time for break but...)
its how long she had to live when they found the cancer.
she was only a freshman.
...in high school.

what exactly do you do, if you know you are going to die soon?

(the power is going to die soon.)
(i keep typing.)

the storm outside mimics my heart.
pouring, a chaotic combination of raindrops and tears,
whirling around in the air.
the wind knocking life around. giving it, taking it.
thunder clashes, like the shock of knowing she will never...
she will never dance at prom, she will never graduate, she will never go to college, or travel the world.
she will never be as old as me. even as young as I am. She will never.

no, I didn't know her...very well.
no, she wasn't my "friend," but she was someone's best friend.
I, maybe, formally met her once. It doesn't matter.

We all wonder why...
is it chance that determines life and death?
is it greater purpose?
is it choice? do we will ourselves to life or death based on our decisions? if so, what decisions, and how are we to know?
is it some simple random sample? an experiment from something greater we don't know?
are we lab rats in a complex model?

when we die, do we die?
or do we live..
in a different form, in a different place?
do we cease to exist completely, our souls discarded along with our bodies?
do we go to heaven, or hell?
what is that anyway?
do we meet God?
or do we find out that we already knew him? in every person, blade of grass, thought, or theory?


i like to believe, that even though I was further along than them in life, and even though they will never see what I got to see, that now they are further along than any of us. Or that they are with us again in different form? or that, at least, that are at peace with the life they had, and whatever is to come.

(RIP Morgan.)


"At each end..."

I'm 100% not kidding when I say...

I literally think I am losing my mind.

I have sufficient reason to believe I am suffering from short-term memory loss. My brain isn't fully functional.

Maybe it is a temporary thing, but I know something is wrong.

calculation:

Jogging to U.S.E. in the moonlight > school.

making plans

is a mistake.

I just need to

chill the fuck out.

What the fuck

was I thinking?! I can't chop wood!

.y .ti .laer ||| real. it. y.

my mind and my body are probably trying to tell me something. . .

i don't eat, i don't sleep, i don't shower.
that was today.
over the past few weeks i have either had days like today or periods of time where i eat too much, sleep too much, and wash my hands and face constantly, but still hardly ever shower.
i've been crying every night.
my dreams are becoming uncontrollably mixed and confused with reality.
i'm too hot. then too cold. and it changes all too fast.
i've been cleaning like a crazy person.
i hardly care what i wear anymore.
i lose the day, sitting in front of the computer or the Tv. even though i hate it.
i've been making lots of lists, but keep forgetting to do things anyway.
i seriously feel isolated. even with human interaction, i feel distant and un-attentive.
i don't look people in the eyes anymore, (i hardly even listen to what they are saying).
i can't just plow through work like i use to; my ability to focus long-term is completely gone.
my procrastination has never been this bad.
i suddenly have this invincibility complex
and my self-esteem is bi-polar.
i'm hyper-aware, but un-focused.
i'm exhausted, but not tired at all. (i could easily pass out right now, or stay awake all night without an effort. i feel like i could run a marathon without an effort, but the mere thought makes me want to lay in bed all day and recover from the run i didnt take).
i'm even clumsier than normal.
i look at things, recogonize them, mentally acknowledge them, but still feel like i'm not seeing them as they are.

do i sound crazy yet? or is all of this normal for you?
it isnt normal for me.

oh, one more thing. a good thing at least:
i have this heightened desire to create (and decorate);

to be creative beyond my acknowledged ability.

i don't know what this all means, or if it means anything at all. i just feel like i'm being spun around really fast so that everything in me going haywire.

can the world...

cut me a break?


today just sucked. especially the end. oh, wait, the end isn't near, because i have the REDO my whole paper.

anyway, after Matt left, I headed up to the Greenery to eat lunch and it was closed. I tried to cook lunch at the apartment but I couldn't because the kitchen was such a disaster, and there were no clean dishes. I did my part, my chore, cleaning the counters, wiping everything down, putting the clean dishes away (multiple times this week), and i even took the trash out, and swept the floor, which were not part of my job. But then there were so many dirty dishes there was no way I could even start cleaning them cause the sinks were so full. And so there was no way I was going to be able to cook anything, so, long story short, i was starving.

Then in the library, after I finally got food, and after Nina and Ben had left, some girl knocked my USB drive and kinda popped it sideways. I took it out to push it back into place, and put it back in and it worked fine. so i saved my paper onto it. then, saved my paper onto the computer (i thought on my MASU, but apparently not). Then I headed down to lower campus to scan something for Nygil. I came back up to the library for a study session (that nobody else showed up for). After doing some other work and taking a nap while waiting, i decided to head down to my room to finish the paper i had been working on in the computer lab. When I got down there I noticed I didn't have my USB drive (in my hurry to help Nygil and get back to upper campus I left it in the computer lab). I thought, "fine, I'll just take a nice jog back up, grab it, and jog back down to finish the paper." Well, I jogged up, and saw it wasn't in the computer I had been using, so I went to the desk, and they had it, but the guy said he had tried it and it wasn't working. I decided to try it in a computer, and he was right, it didn't work. So then I went and searched on Masu and found the very beginning of my paper, but nothing close to what I had last saved. The guy on the computer that I had been on before let me search that one, on his account, but that didn't work. So now I have to wait until he logs off to see if somehow it is on the computer, on my account.

If it isn't, I'm gonna lose my mind.

I'm exhausted. We have another stupid test tomorrow.
And I'm living in this state, recently, of just utter confusion about myself, and the world as a whole.
I don't know what to do right now.

I just need to get through this week, but right now, that doesnt even seem like a realistic endeavor.

This week:
Bill Tracking paper (tonight)
Review for test (tonight)
Do self-eval, teacher evals, program eval (by Friday)
Do a number on my Research Design, and get it ready for presentation (by Thursday)
Figure out what I am doing next quarter and register (by Wednesday)


I feel better now that I have written it all out. But nothing annoys me more than having to redo stuff that I put alot of effort into (like that stupid statistics test last week).

...
sorry, i just got stunned.
...wtf?
I didn't know something like could make me see stars.
(Oh, and speaking of being stunned, my dreams in the past two nights, have been so shocking and bizarre, like I couldn't even explain.)

well, now I'm crying. in the middle of the fucking computer lab.
But, I was knocked back to life for a second and think I have some motivation now.
I'm just gonna have to start over; chill out, suck it up, and start over.

woah...

literally like 4 people just bombarded me asking for advice all at once. I am perfectly happy to help everyone, it was just like... wow! kinda intense, because it happened so fast.

i guess it is a bad night for people. :(
I'm sorry everyone.

you will be better.

all of you.
and me too.

so we need to remember that.
it will be okay.

Sunshine.

drained. so fucking drained.
smack me with your skateboard kid, as you pass me.
knock me with your elbow other guy, as you walk by.
wake me up.
shake me to life.

i'm tired.

i need conversation. substantial conversation.
Not about alcohol. not about school projects. not about registration.

I wish someone could see me,
talk to me
shake me awake.
to life. out of this haze. this phase?
i don't know, at all.

I can't even hear you anymore.
Its all noise. Meaningless.

Maybe its this place; These people.
Or maybe its me.
Or an incompatibility between the two.
Whatever it is,
it drains me. Of life. of time. of meaning.

I will find something.
It will be like a bolt of lightning,
a jolt. of life, into time, into meaning.
That's maybe what I need.

-----
sunshiny today
"sunshine in a bag"
"lost in the sun, can anybody find their home?"

bullshit.

i got 3 hours of sleep last night.

they fucking canceled tomorrows field trip today. :...(
and replaced it with 5 hours of class, along with a second statistics final. wtf?
so basically, tomorrow is gonna suck.

went to the academic fair and fell in love with Ecology and the Built Environment,
but i can't take spanish...
so that screws that up.

and this scheduling decision-making is killing me.



i want to just pass out and forget everything, but i need to work on shit, and... uhgg. trying to figure out what i want for next quarter.


right now, today, i am just hating evergreen. :/

losing my immunization form.
putting ariana through all the meal plan shit.
not offering classes that work together.




on the bright side, seminar was pretty good today, considering we got to go to Martha's house and she cooked us a buffet of mexican food. then we chilled and played cards instead of discussing the seminar book. so that was good.

anywho.. im gonna go lay on my bed, and if there is any work i can do from there, it might get done. but i might just pass out.
with any luck, i will have a good dream about the field trip since it isn't happening anymore.

.

i feel broken

tired

disgusting.


yea. i am disgusting myself, with my inability, my inconsistency.
i un-think, over-think, rethink.


i only know so much. okay?
i only know that i love you.
and i only know myself well enough to know something.
i don't know exactly what that something is. but i tell you what i do know, even though there are no actual words to express it.

i hate myself for causing you any pain. it makes me want to disappear.




gah, i am just so tired.
i'm falling apart.

My life through music.

Assignment: Think of 25 albums that had such a profound effect on you, throughout the various times in your life. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. When you finish, tag 25 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good.

No being cool here -- which albums have you actually listened to thousands of times?
Readers should feel free to guess (or ask) why particular albums are there.


1. "Something About Airplanes" & "We Have the Facts..." - Death Cab for Cutie [8th and 9th grade. still two of my favorite DCFC albums. for up and down times.]

2." The Photo Album" - Death Cab for Cutie [this one has a different feeling for me, but i listened to it heavily in 8th and 9th grade along with the two above.]

3. "Transatlanticism" - Death Cab for Cutie. [9th grade. nonstop, obsession. snowboarding.]

4. "Plans" - Death Cab for Cutie. [summer before sophomore year. tony.]

5. "Narrow Stairs" - Death Cab. [Matt. Senior year. good point of my life.]

5. "Alive 2007" - Daft Punk. [senior. good dance times. so much greatness.}

6. "Busted Stuff" - Dave Matthews Band. [i listened to this a lot in 7th grade, when Jasmine gave me the album. it was full of pain, and i was highly unhappy because my mom was always gone.]

7. "Let Go." - Avril Lavigne. [7th grade. soccer trips, on which we listened to "sk8er boi" so much my dad learned the lyrics,... walking to the bridge. moving...]

8. "Mesmerize" and "Hypnotize" - System of a Down. [10th grade. Tony and i were hooked and went to the concert at key arena.]

9. "Waking the Fallen" - Avenged Sevenfold. [this is what me and tony would listen to in his room, every day after school in 9th grade while we played video games or cuddled.]

10. "Take off your Pants and Jacket" - Blink 182. [on the way to summer camp with Danne, Caitlin and Jasmine. on road trips to portland with my mom in middle school.]

11. "Blink 182" [Tony, before and after]

12. "Drunk Enough to Dance" - Bowling for Soup. [8th grade. :P so hardcore.]

13. "X and Y" - Coldplay [visiting Oregon. being so lost. end of 10th grade. hell. tony... losing tony.]

14. "Eiffel 65" [5th grade end of the year dance party. bringing a boombox over and playing basketball at the neighbors house. --names? rick and nancy? don and jan?]

15. "Fallen" -Evanescence [moving. crying. Kody.]

16. "American Idoit" -Green Day [Tony. I got it for xmas and listened to it while playing Super Mario Sunshine. Also went to the show in some arena north of seattle with Tyler, and Tony.]

17. "Razorblade Romance" -HIM [exactly what it says. darkest parts of my life..and i was happy there too. one of the only albums i still can't listen to without crying...]

18. "The Great Milenko" -Insane Clown Posse [hahaha...so bizarre...but that was 8th grade. Me and Tony at Steven and Jason's house playing Backyard Wrestling. Caitlin.]

19. "Hopes and Fears" -Keane [ehh, that had to be 10th grade. listened to it non-stop. i was so in love with the sound of it. saw Keane at Deck the Hall Ball w/ Modest Mouse, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand right when they were all about to explode into their giant success. except... Keane. But i still love em!]

20. "Meteora" -Linkin Park [when i was about to move from Oregon in 7th grade. i was so angry. so depressed. that was just the beginning though...]

21. "The Spirit Room" -Michelle Branch [I remember walking Peekaboo this one day. we walked all around Sunriver, up to Fort Rock, tennis courts, down to the bridge...we went to see the lunar eclipse, which i dont remember staying for. but we did see the sunset. i was listening to this album the whole time. it was one of the most beautiful days of my life.]

22. "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" -My Chemical Romance [i really appreciated the music.. and listened to it all the time, at Tony's house, and for some reason it reminds me of Bend... i donno.]

23. "The War on Errorism" -NOFX [tony. fun times. he use to have a dance to the Anarchy Camp song. haha.]

24. "Indestructible" -Rancid. [8th grade. it reminds me of Justin and Buzz, especially 'Fall Back Down.']

25. "No Pads, No Helmet...Just Balls" - Simple Plan. [ahahahaha. wow. yea, reminds me of road trips back to Oregon with Mom.]

well fuck... I'm not even close to done yet.

26. "North" and all Something Corporate albums up to it. [9th and 10th grade. lots and lots.]

27. "All Killer No Filler" -Sum 41. [totally 7th grade. all the time.]

28. "Give Up" -Postal Service [10th grade. it was my chill out, and breathe, music.]

29. "We Don't Need to Whisper" - Angels and Airwaves [came out right before Tony left me. it really inspired me to be okay.]

30. "The Shade of Poison Trees" -Dashboard Confessional [driving with Matt.]

31. "The Real Slim Shady" & "The Marshall Mathers LP" [7th grade. 8th grade. i really enjoyed. now i really appreciate it.]

32. "Flyleaf" [summer after 10th grade. still missing Tony. it helped.]

33. "Light Grenades" -Incubus [Matt]

34. "Make Yourself" -Incubus [Nygil]

35. "In Between Dreams" and "Sleep through the Static" -Jack Johnson [NOW! I am sooo obsessed. snowboarding, its what i listen to]

36. "Grace" -Jeff Buckley [Josh...]

37. "Cross" -Justice [senior year. it helped me survive. especially the concert!]

38. "Satellite" - POD [inspiration throughout highschool. mainly the first half.]

39. "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" -PANIC at the Disco. [Mexico! warmth. revenge. fun. . .]

40. "Dark Side of the Moon" -Pink Floyd. [uhh... life. but mostly Junior year, which was hell, and this album was my heaven.]

41. "Stadium Arcadium" -Red Hot Chili Peppers [Nygil. Oregon. obsession.]

42. "We are Pilots" - Shiny Toy Guns [senior year. driving in Brian's car home from school.]

43. "Dan in Real Life Soundtrack" -Sondre Lerche [Matt. totally wonderful point in time.]

44. "Act I & II" - The Dear Hunter [thoughts. senior year.]

45. "How to Save a Life" -The Fray [a bundle of things are reminded of: Nygil. Kody. and being completely alone.]

46. "Wincing the Night Away" - The Shins [Matt & our sleeping lessons.]

47. "The Alchemy Index" -Thrice [this pretty much defines my life and world view.]

48. "U.S.E." - The United State of Electronica [good times with Nathan, Amanda, Zak and Alex.]

49. "Twilight Soundtrack" -various [this is just something i listen to a lot currently, and really enjoy.]

50. "Into the Woods Soundtrack" -Stephen Sondheim [pit orchestra, the end of me and Tony's relationship.]



yup. that was a bit overkill. but that is a good majority of my life, as lived and defined through music. ^_^

i just,

i want to run away.







"the remnants of a shooting star landed directly on our broken down little car, before then we had made a wish that we would be missed if one or the other did not even exist."

how deep is it?

the puddle? it looks really deep. and i want to step in it.

It doesnt matter.


Today is different. was. the Sky was different. there was rain. with thin clouds, that let just enough light through to remind me of some where else, some time other.
California. That is what it reminded me of.
Speaking of California, James is on his way. Actually, he is probably just about there by now. It wasnt as hard to say goodbye to him as I thought, and maybe that is because of the possibility of him coming back for a while, or maybe it was because he makes me so mad. Or maybe it was just because I know it won't be forever. In any case, it was easier than expected.
What was hard though, was saying goodbye to my mom this morning. I probably won't see her for 3 weeks or so, and that bothers me. I like seeing her every weekend, and... I am slightly worried about the dangers of this job she is doing. *shakes head* she will be fine. She always is.

Well, today is different.
the sky.
james left
and, i didnt have my paper done on time (strange for me).
i feel different.
i'm quiet again.
i'm okay with being here though, for once.
and tonight, i am actually going to have fun (girls night with Aja).



last night. stayed up til 4. or later. working on paper, hanging out with alicia, talking.
it was nice. i really like spending time with her. she has no expectations of me, and we just talk, or not talk, but we spend good, quality time together. and it is peaceful.

the dream last night.
(just the thought gets my heart racing)
I was hardly half asleep.
there were these colorful bubbles. ... not bubbles. balls. ... not balls. spherical clouds, that weren't permeable like clouds.
whatever they were, these spheres, were moving around in these lines, and multiplying. and whoever was controlling them, was evil. and scary.
this musical tune i had never heard, yodeling. on repeat. trying to trick us into believing this was okay, and happy. not ominous.
but it was scary. and the music hypnotized me, and the others. it took control.
the spheres, kept multiplying and moving in these circular motions, and patterns around this screen.
suddenly, we were part of it. they were surrounding us. multiplying and closing in. it was fast, but slow motion, because i had time to think about what was happening. we were about to be suffocated. we? i was about to...
everyone else, they were gone. already enveloped by these now white bubble-spheres which were slowly closing in on me. cocooning me, from the bottom up.

I remember last, seeing the sky disappear. just this one open patch that closed slowly enough that i could glimpse the bright blue sky, and try to remember.

but then it was dark.

I jolted awake, but stayed laying with my eyes closed. "that was weird"

but then, recollecting the claustrophobia, and the last of the sky I shot up and opened my eyes, only to find more darkness.
it was closing in. i was still stuck.
slowly my eyes adjusted, and i found the familiar shapes of my room in the dark, but they were still closing in.
i panted, and stood up, unthinkingly, and flung the door open to escape the room.
the hall was even smaller, and i ran down it, trying to find some place that would open up.
at the end of the hall was the loft area at the top of the stairs which opens into high ceilings.
upon feeling this openness i quickly averted in the guest room. this room is small. but the walls weren't moving, and the moon-light on the wall that i had lit for the kitties, woke me up.
i stood there in the doorway, dazed.
bells. the cats were by my parents door. "good. im not alone anymore."
but without seeking more comfort in them, i turned back down the hallway to my room.
took a sip of water, to try to jolt my mind back to full consciousness (if you want to call it that).
i sat back, and shut my eyes but quickly had to change plans because the darkness of the cocoon was still there.
i had to keep my eyes open.
told my story to Alicia, to try to find some more solace in this reality.
... well. "that's crazy" she said. "just before you got up, i had this strange, overwhelming bad feeling of evil around me."


i don't remember anything else.

Ewoks!!!

I found this on someone else's blog.






This is how I wanna live. XD

Something is happening.

Change.
I've been feeling it vexing inside,
outside. The wind, the sun and the rain.
I know change happens all the time. But this is something bigger.
It will probably be nothing you or I can see, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.
I can feel it anyway.

Create.

Fate.

So,

I need a Death Cab concert. Now.
So I can scream these lyrics
at the top of my lungs.

"little swinger, your bottle is thinking too much"

probably.
way too much.
for one person.

:/

my mind is severely screwed up right now.
nothing is connecting.
i keep losing pencils too.
rather than having a brain in my head right now, i have mush.

someone needs to slap me awake.

Phone Draft. Dinner.

#1
I'm so weak. But
It's hard. To write an essay in a strange house, with strange people. To focus when strange people are saying things that make you hate them. To hate them. To socialize with strange people you hate. To hate someone and not let them know. To not know someone and still hate them. To sit across from someone you don't know but still hate... while holding a steak knife for the steak you won't order.


#2
This is a small Box, where big dreams shrink to fit. your expectations. Egos don't shrink though. They don't need to. Big egos fit like Russian Dolls inside the small Box. Fit like millions of your dollar bills stacked face to face. Egos are not made of fluffy clouds shaped like dreams. Egos are flat. They fit in the wallet. They fit in the Box. But they don't fit in your head. They swell it up, like a reaction. My reaction: box me up, smaller, away from you. I hide in a box, from egos. And dreams don't fit.

February 2nd.

:)

February 1st.

Its been a year since that night when everything converged,

and then it all fell apart.

Haras.

oh, this is brilliant.

evvvvverything was perfect. i can't believe how perfect it was.
yr cottnaw em sekam ti


anyway,
i used to be psychic.
ohcysp.
both.

now, just one.
eb yam



i don't understand how I can be so at peace, but so angry.
it makes my head turn around and upside-down
sdraw kcabd na.


oh i'm so tired.

I'm gonna go read about psychos now.
Sarah Canary. Its soo cool. Its about a mental institution in Steilacoom and this new girl named Sarah who disappears all the time when people are talking to her and they turn around for a sec and then turn back and she is gone. Yea, that doesnt do it justice, but fuckit, im tired.
but the writing is so poetic, and there is sooooo much synchronicity (like Poisonwood) AH! SO BEAUTIFUL! Maybe I am the only one who loves that kinda thing.
And books/movies about jail and mental institutes. I ADOREEEE! The Fixer, Cuckoos Nests, Shawshank...ect. But yea.. psychos...Sarah Canary. Gooood boook. (and im only like... 3 chapters in).

OH, speaking of psychos! (And Sarahs?)
today i was working with Martha and she brought me to the library and we were working with a librarian who i thought she introduced as something fairly normal, but not Sarah.
Okay, but then throughout the time we were working around this one computere and they were showing me how to use this website and Martha would be telling me something, and shed be like "oh when you're working, just come back and ask Sarah if you need help cause i will be in a meeting."
and I'd be like "okay"
and then the librarian would address me and she'd be like "ok, do you understand how to do this now, Sarah?" and I just nodded not really knowing what the fuck was going on with the names.
and so like, Martha was calling the librarian Sarah (even though I am positive sure she introduced her as something else). and then the librarian was calling me Sarah even though I clearly introduced myself as Alex (twice). WTF!? and no one was correcting eachother, but I appeared to be the only one who EVEN NOTICED that something was weird.
I MUST be crazy.

...whelp. i think i will write some more this weekend. and then i am about ready for a new blog. cause... i donno. last year...this time...change. everything. it feels right.
peace.

A Change.

I woke up to a morning where there was movement within the stillness,
Refreshing, energizing, hopeful.



I woke up to an afternoon where the sun not only lit up the world, but made it glow,
Shining, glinting, beautiful.

emit.

lonely tonight. just feeling down.

and I shouldn't. Tomorrow is Obama's inauguration. That is exciting in itself, and doubly so because Bush is out.

But, I am still reading Random Family. That is probably why I feel disgusted. Cause, switching between watching reality shows with my family and reading about poverty and heartbreak during commercials... well I guess that is good reason to feel pretty gross. I still have like 100 pages in the book and then my essay to write by Wednesday. That's pretty manageable, but I have other work too...and I just don't feel motivated. Not to mention I need to figure out whether or not I am switching out of my apartment. I think I am going to apply to move, and see what comes up, because I'm just sick of the current situation. And it is nothing that can be changed in reality. So I don't understand why I should waste my time and energy trying to change it. Although, I don't really have the time or energy to try to move all my shit either.

Matt is moving dorms too. Man, if I got the room he is moving into, well... it would be different (because it is SO small) but for some reason, I absolutely love it. I probably couldn't live in there comfortably, but somehow it seems so ideal...for...something, someone. It is just, feels secluded, even though it isn't. It has a great view, and lots of options for decorating. Small, narrow, cute...cozy? Whatever it is, I hope it suits him.

Hmm, I miss him already. It's only been a few hours since he left.

Trying to decide if I should go work at the Science Camp with Josh this summer. 6 weeks, good pay, airfare and living expenses paid, outdoorsy, can do photography or be a cabin leader... or do both. Plus I can spend time with Josh, which is nice.
I just don't want to be away from Matt. Or my parents, or Nathan and Becca, or my pets, or my friends.... ugg. And I don't want to be away for the heart of summer... missing 4th of July, or anything.
I'm submitting the application (it is already late but I am sure with Josh's word, I will get in). We will see what happens. But I am afraid. It would be my first time across the country, and the longest time away from home. The thought is making me tear up.
I'm not a wimp, I just think about everything, and I don't know what I will really want at the time. I have opportunities like this... but I haven't taken one so far. Am I crazy?
I have two fears: One is that I am not living. And two is that if I go out and seek these experiences that might make me feel alive, that I will be missing out on the most important things...like, family and home and being with the people I love.

I'm so tired. I need time to sleep, and think, and read, and write, and pack, and clean, and work, and relax, and forgive, and talk, and heal, and kiss, and feel, and love.
everything
everyone.

Stuck

Inside this place, this hell. Walls of a ward, where we belong.

Same as always. As sane as always. None at all.

Neon lights, cycling as reminders, that we are...

Better idea,

WHAT?!

Home

I being home; family, friends, matt, kitties, doggies, no smoke, good food. :)

About me.

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged . You have to tag the person who tagged you.

Hmm...fuck "tagging" people...sorry, but I am doing this through my blog anyway. Just read it if you want and do your own if you wish it. ^_^

1) I'm obsessed with movies but if someone else suggests a movie to me, or really wants me to see a particular movie I avoid it at all costs -- even though I know if I end up watching it I will love it.

2) I want a tattoo really bad, but I don't know what to get, and I am afraid that if I get one I won't like it later in life, or that the person who does it will mess up. And I worry that it will be too painful, even though people tell me otherwise.

3) Speaking of pain, I am really intolerant. I think I might die in childbirth, because I sometimes get really bad stomach aches and I get dizzy and almost pass out, and while I am in that state of mind I always think about giving birth and wonder if there could possibly be a worse pain I could endure.

4) Much of my life --the things I do, the way I am-- is because of fear. I am trying to get over that because I don't want to let fear drive my life. But my conscience is sometimes my worst enemy.

5) Speaking of fear, I am also VERY superstitious. Not all of it is fear-ridden superstition, but I am pretty "paranoid" much of the time.

6) I have like, massively embarrassing OCD sometimes. Usually at night. Which is one of the reasons I avoid going to sleep because then I have to make sure everything is perfect and I kinda hate that "ritual"

7) I hating having lots of things. I am slowly getting rid of more and more of the shit I own, but sometimes it is hard due to emotional attachment. I am also afraid of forgetting anything, and I don't want to give something away that is attached to a memory, in fear of losing that memory.

8) "I am absolutely terrified of flying. Every time I get on a plane, I anticipate never getting back off." -Amanda. Well that is the same for me. I also worry every time my parents or someone else I know fly. I actually think it is arrogant and illogical to not be afraid of riding in a couple tons of fiberglass being hurtled through the air... maybe that is just me.

9) I am irrevocably OBSESSED with Twilight. And I don't give a flying fuck what you people think of that. The story is like... one of my fantasies. Everything about the movie and the book, I am in love with. I am also anxiously anticipating getting through all the books but I am trying to pace myself since I know eventually there will be none left to read. People say it is bad acting and bad writing. I guess I am just not that critical. Or maybe I just have different standards.

10) I am a virgin. And actually, I have very little, to absolutely no desire to have sex anytime soon, or even ever. Is that weird? Oh well. That's me. XD

11) I've never smoked pot, or done any illegal substance. I like it that way. Haha.. besides, if you saw me tonight, or on many occasion, you would realize that I don't need drugs to get high, or to have fun. I like myself, and my mind, substance free. ^_^

12) I've never been drunk. I don't really like the taste of alcohol... though occasionally a sip of wine or any alcoholic beverage is desirable. ha, except after that sip, I remember why I hate it in the first place.

13) Sometimes I believe I might be prone to depression (the whole chemical imbalance thing), but many times I also think that I am just too aware of the world to not be insane. You know how lots of brilliant people are also psychotic? I am not saying I am brilliant, (maybe I just have different perceptions of the world) but I am saying that I am a bit psycho... and many-a-time I truly believe I should be locked away.

14) It makes me sick when the majority of the conversations surrounding me are about sex and drugs. Maybe that is because I can't relate, or maybe it is because I wish I could be hearing more intellectual conversations which I could perhaps participate it.

15) I know I can't dance worth a deuce. But that don't mean I won't shake it anyway.

16) I want to visit every continent and every state. And perhaps also sail around the world (I have a love affair with water --namely the ocean). I also want to live in Antarctica for part of my life.

17) I like to walk around listening to music. It makes me feel like I'm in a movie. Additionally, I love walking around, listening to music, jump into giant puddles and get soaking wet. Especially when i am super angry. Being outside when feeling emotion is like being connected to the world in a whole new way. Being angry in the rain is like the whole natural world knows what you are feeling and is feeling it with you, and letting you stomp around, kicking the ground and punching the trees while all the while getting soaked to the bone and becoming refreshed from the release of emotion.

18) I cry in lots of movies. Movies that it doesn't really make too much sense to cry in... if it gets to me, it really gets to me. I also love movies (and situations) that make me laugh uncontrollably. Ahh, the release.

19) Music. I think most people feel an indesribable connection to music, so I don't really know what to say about it. But it is definitely something that helps describe who I am.

20) I want to go to space. Simple as that. I am so fascinated by the prospect of what lies beyond the world, beyond what most people witness throughout their lives.. the prospect of other life.. the prospect of infinity. It baffles my mind. And, it'd also be cool to be a Jedi, or a crew member of the Enterprise. yup yup. outerspace.

21) I believe in a balance in the universe. I believe in karma. I believe in love, and peace. I believe in some form of magic (though, not the typical association of the word). I believe in universal rights and acceptance. I believe in the power of the natural world and the elements. I don't believe in a 'god,' because the connotation of that word is so loaded with excess meaning. But I believe in a power, beyond comprehension, and even beyond the full grasp of imagination. But mostly, I believe in love. :)

22) Unfortunately, I also believe there are some people the world would be better off without. People who hunt for mere sport. People who have shut their minds to change and possibility and differences. People who believe in their ideology so powerfully that they feel it is within their right to take a life. Perhaps, the world would not be balanced without these people, but perhaps it would be more balanced if these people would find some balance and humility within themselves.

23) I believe true love never dies. And I also believe there are many different types of love, and different people feel certain things in different situations. Therefore, one person's love can never be better than anothers, because they can't really be compared. It's just that one type of love might be more ideal for one person than it is for another.

24) Sometimes I wish I was more like other people and sometimes I wish other people were more like me. And even other times I am glad such things are the way they are.

25) There is so much left to say. I love color. and black and white. I love card games and board games. I love books, and usually cry whenever I read a novel. My favorite things to shop for are clothes. I still sleep with a stuffed animal or two, but ALWAYS at least one: Timber, the wolf my mom gave me when I passed second grade. I love being at home. I miss high school but I know I was miserable and I would once again be miserable if I returned. But sometimes I also miss that misery. I hate germs and thusly I wash my hands alot and don't sit on bare toilet seats (except at home). I can't cook worth anything, though I stopped trying after a couple bad batches of cookies and pancakes and mac&cheese. I am a pack rat (but like i said, trying to break the habit). I still have roses from Tony from like 3 or 4 years ago. I love all animals and I can't even stand hurting an insect. I'm a tree hugger...no, not a "tree hugger!" I literally like to hug trees! (But I guess i am a "tree hugger" too since I am an advocate of environmental health). I am in love with Matt, so very much.

Hmm, I could go on forever. I amexhausted and this is probably way more than anyone is going to read. :) But it was fun, to be completely open and honest. I feel refreshed and ready to sleep.

beginning to end

Rachel showed up on the "People You May Know" on myspace just now...
somehow that seems wrong, since even if I clicked "add as a friend," it would always be pending. And it is strange to think that her myspace will always be there, but she never will.
It was over a year ago now, since her death. A year and 5 days.
I am a year older, and she never will be.
...
I was about to write a blog about how not much has changed this year, since i started Jinxx553 on January 1st, 2008. And this was going to be my last post on this blog. My first post was about Rachel as well. While trying to think what to write, i checked myspace and there her picture was. A picture that I probably looked at a year ago today, and tried to fathom all these ideas about death. The idea that said picture will be how she is remembered... no older. No different.

I am thinking about how my life is different, or not. And what it means to age and grow, rather than die. What it means that I had a whole year to find truth and meaning and all these things that maybe Rachel never found. (Maybe nobody ever found.) I must have been thinking that not much has changed along the lines of how I feel about myself and the world. But that's weird. My life seemed to have flipped completely: I found a wonderful person who loves me and who I love back. I was accepted to college. I had a most perfect and amazing Prom. I graduated. My cat ran away. I almost would have rather been homeless than live at home, but then I moved to college and suddenly realized I'd rather be at home than most anywhere else. I voted for the first time. Obama won. My mom had two heart surgeries, and finally things for her, and the whole family, are getting back to "normal" (whatever that means).
What I mean is, things have changed in my life, but have I changed? Have I let the world change me?

These past couple of days, maybe about a week, I have felt like I have been changing...not by choice though. It has been like growing pains, except not physical... and not necessarily growing. (Well, all changes are growth in some way but that isn't what I mean). I mean I feel like I was/am growing into a different person, I guess, but that still isn't exactly it, because obviously I am the same person. But yea, growing pains is a good analogy because obviously things inside me were changing that I couldnt control, or even understand sometimes.

Have I let the world change me? Ben said in my yearbook: "As we all bend under the suppression of our societies you seem to take the blows standing. Not unphased, not unaffected, but injured with integrity. Inexorably true to yourself, you let the world hurt you when others run to masks, shells or other fake, cowardly visages."
So, on the surface, this might contradict itself. But I think it makes sense. And it is true about me ...complex, but true. And it shows that I am influenced by the world around me... like everyone else. But... have I learned to let it change me? I think I have, even if I was resistant at times..
And I do agree. I am different than the people who surround me. Not just different (because we are all different). But I feel I am fundamentally separated from the way everyone else is, mentally i mean. Either that, or I am crazy. Well, I guess they are the same thing.

None of this matters. I am moving on to a new blog, if nothing else for the reason that this one is quite full. A year was enough to fill it.

Maybe tonight just isnt the right night for this.
But I think this is done. Full circle and fine.
Fulfilled and true, as much as anything else.
I'm tired. And I don't know where I am going from here. But I will go. I will flow. "Like water" she says.

Alchemy

Why not?

The biggest question in my book right now. But its not what you think. It is a question to everything, but it is only 1 thing really, which is not a question, but something else rather. 1 thing comprised of a million things, just like you and me. So it is a person? Well, that is true, yes. But it is not just a person. It is not just anything. It is everything. It is the one thing that really matters. The one that is everywhere. I believe that. But is it one? Or is it two? Or three, or four, or a million for that matter? Or more? Or is it one, unified, flowing? Mixed, synced how I like it? Oh, that does drive me towards insanity. A mind can only take so much. Too much knowledge and one will lose it all. Maybe our capacity isn't what we thought. Our capacity for love might be endless, as I thought. Or it might be nothing at all. But either way, our capacity for information is different. As for emotion. Cry, scream, bleed; we have to let it out somehow. Laugh too. And talk - gossip, lie, spill a secret. (The gun isn't an expression of emotion... only the energy we exert in pressing the trigger.) We are only human. There is only so much we can take. There is only one life we can have, because two or more would kill us (our souls I mean). Or maybe that is just me. Or anyone else who happens to accept their humanity rather than trying to mask it, or pretend that it is more than it is.
The problem is, you are gone. But not really, you don't have to be. (But neither did she.) Well it is all choices.
It is all questions.
It is all connected.
Why not?

Better.

Its amazing how unhappy stress (and stupid people) can make me. I am so much happier when I am here, at home, with no stupid essays to write every night, no dumb conversations, no dorm drama, no having to look for some fresh air to breath.

Here is better.
I have time to myself. And time for everything else that I love to do.
Time to just think, and then suddenly realize how wonderful I feel, and how happy I really am. It is hard to realize that under the many certain circumstances I live under at Evergreen. I know it can be different there, and I am sure eventually it will be. But for now, I like it better here. I want to continue coming home every weekend. Most people at school don't really seem to like that I do... but why shouldn't I? There is no reason to stay, when I am much more happy here.

so

im so drained.
i cant imagine coming back to this place.

i so hate trying to be everything to everyone
and im so worn out of never being good enough for anyone.

i'm so tired of who i am,
and so sick of everyone else.

speaking of sick, i remember what i did last xmas break
laid in bed, sick the whole time.
i almost wish that would happen again.


there are some times when i think i would do better if i was just put away. then no one would expect anything of me, except to be crazy and useless like i feel i already am.

other times i wish i were a whale.
or a cat.

uhhg

I'm just so fucking mad.

and I'm even more mad because you can't even understand.

i just need

some really good lyrics to explain life to me right about now.

where's all my music?

the only fuckin song on this laptop:
Let's Dance, by David Bowie.

lets not question the man, shall we?

-low

I'm seriously considering transferring schools. I love Evergreen, but... I am having my doubts. I can't imagine being there for 4 years...
but I can't really imagine being at any one school for 4 years.

I am kinda thinking I should have gone to FairHaven... but then I would be further away from family and Matt, and I don't want that.
I just wish I had friends at Evergreen. I don't really get it.
I have my roommates, and the couple of people from class that I hang out with outside of class, and the entire class which I talk to inside of class. But I don't have any "Friends." You know? There are James and Annie and Tanya with whom I spend the majority of my free time with. They are definitely my friends, and I value the time I get to spend with them. But, these are people I have know for a year or more. What about making new friends? Everyone says I need to try harder, or they tell me that I will find people I can relate to, it will just take time. Yea... I'm sick of hearing that shit cause everyone else has people to hang out with. They have pictures and memories and inside jokes with these people they only met 2 months ago. Besides class, I spent most of my birthday alone because there was nobody to hang out with...
I just wish Caitlin was there, or Alicia, or Matt. Ashley, Emily, Dana, Lindsey...ect. Someone who appreciated or at least understood who I am. I know it all does takes time... But why doesn't it seem to take time for anyone else?

My dream last night was strange.
I was being told that I had to move out of my dorm room because they were moving one person out of every building, or every apartment... and people had suggested me because they thought I wasn't happy because I didn't fit in. The dorms were shaped differently, more like a motel and I was running around trying to find my room, but it had seemed to disappear. Really they had just boarded it and painted it so we couldnt find it; it blended into the wall. This was because they didnt want me to find out they had packed all my stuff before they could tell me I was moving. The housing administrator was the soccer coach and he took me to where I would be living, which was in his "mod" but we had to take a train to get there. His mod was actually an SUV but after going inside, it was just a small house. There was a living room that I went to to get to the 2nd floor. There were 3 bedrooms for me to pick from -- they were all exactly alike and none of them had windows. Upstairs on the third floor there was a nice room with a bunch of stuff in it and a TV. He told me I could use that room for watching TV ect, but it was everybody's room so I couldnt live there. I told him there was no way I would live in the rooms without windows, and we headed back to my real apartment. They had unboarded it. I then saw that they had packed up all my stuff and I threw a fit. I sat on my bed and told him that the room I was living in was like a home to me and I wasnt going to leave. I suggested he make someone else move, like Mary because she seemed to be able to get along anywhere. She heard me say that and she came in my room and got angry at me. But when she heard the details about the living situation she was ready to leave, though still angry at me. ... the rest of the dream was more of a nightmare. I locked my door when they left because I was afraid. In my dream I stopped watching myself and instead watched what happened to Mary and the admin. She turned out to be a Vampire and she was killing all these people. He was stacking the bodies and making a tunnel out of them for some reason, but he didnt know where the bodies were coming from. Eventually she killed him. The dream went back to focus on me in my apartment room with the door locked and the lights off, trying to go to sleep in my bed. I was really scared for whatever reason, and all of a sudden I felt like someone was in the room with me. I felt them getting closer and closer to me until it was right in front of my face. I thought she was going to bite me, but I couldnt see anything. It was so scary that I woke myself up only to find Matt like leaning over me about to kiss me to wake me up. That was kinda shocking. It was weird that my subconscious knew he was there and somehow incorporated that into my dream so suddenly. . . something like that. Not the first time it has happened, but ...
it is really cool to have such vivid dreams. a gift but sometimes a curse. mm, now I am scaring myself.
anyway, that is what got me thinking about Evergreen.



oh yea, I got my hair permed. I like it so much. So very refreshing.

Anyway. It is early early Thanksgiving mornign now. I think I should go to sleep so I can enjoy the festivities tomorrow.
:)
Glad to be on break.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I wish I was like the wind, or the rain, or the sea,
so I could just travel the world for free.

Truth::

Music:
I like to listen to Nirvana when you arent around because it makes me feel closer to you.
I love when contemporary artists use piano as the lead instrument. The sound of a piano really captures my attention. Also the case with the Cello. They both have so much emotion. Mostly beautifully sad.
Duets are wonderful.
I melt over impossibly high (but raspy) vocals. Like those of Amy Lee, Sia Furler, and Alison Sudol. I wish I could sing like that.

Mind:
I feel like I am losing myself.
I don't know who I am. What I want to do. Whether or not I am wasting my time.
Sometimes I want to give in. And just be like everyone else.
But even when I give... I always end up standing out.

I dont believe in myself enough to ever do anything worthwhile.
And all my goals are nothing if I can't afford them, but I refuse to get a job. And I wont even be able pay for this school. And I like what I am learning, and I feel like I am learning alot, but I still feel like I am wasting my time.
I am losing my sense of purpose again.

I tear at the skin on my hands as a way of self-perfection (trying to find the perfections somewhere within myself). Something other girls try to acheive by wearing makeup, doing thier hair, ect (trying to put a mask of perfection on). Neither works. Of course there is no perfection in anyone. But I have to find something...I have to create something that is better than what I see.

I am starting to see that some people know me better than I know myself (in some sense)
And other people don't know me at all.

Maybe this new me that is arising is something about the place. Evergreen. When I was at soccer camp there... I also had this complex of self consciousness. I didnt have friends. I changed. Power of place. Right? "Let the world change you" ?

I just don't want to be a waste. But nobody can tell me that I'm not, because nobody knows.

I am more sad than usual about Rachel tonight. Maybe its the music, the same music I was listening to during the last weeks of her life.


uhm, there is just too much on my mind.
there is some of it.
for whatever it is worth, now you know me better. at least some.


"and tear your curtains down for sunlight is like gold. and you better be you, and do what you can do, when you're walking on moon beams, staring out to sea.."


The ocean,
that is the only truth I know.

19th Birthday

Today!
=D

I love looking back:

14th. Best Friends Forever.











15th. Wishes come true.




























16th. Sweet Sixteen.
















































17th. Loved.





























18th. Never grow up!





























Happy Birthday: Me, Caitlin, Jackie, John & Meaghan.

sex...

i swear that is all people talk about...

Let me just tell you...

Being freezing cold
and soaking wet
is being alive.

Wednesday

I feel sick today...
weak.
Almost passed out in the Greenery today.

Also feel alone.
Meh...

Obama Wins!

Lets party! or in new lingo, Ba-rock-out!

I'm just gonna quickly whip out my experience of the night before I hit the sack:

It was so cool! They announced it right at 8, exactly after the voting closed for Oregon, Washington and California.
People were running around, screaming, streaking, drinking, smoking... all these different things to show their support.

We watched McCain's speech in the movie room in the bottom of A dorm. Then we walked over to Lecture Hall 1 and watched Obama's speech which was so moving and genuine. My favorite part was when he surprised his daughters with a new puppy. I also liked how he was so humble, and he seemed so incredibly happy, but still understood the huge task ahead of him, and all of us.

After that we went to Annie's and had a dance party and then we decided to meet up with some people and ended up at the HCC where they were putting up signs of the states that voted for Obama and the ones that voted for McCain. There we watched some of the other election results, and re-watched Obama's speech, which was just as good the second time around.

I went back to my room and Ariana and I hung out and talked about the election and the celebrations. Throughout ALL of this, there was non-stop screaming "OBAMA" around the Evergreen campus, and there was a roaming street party. While me and Ariana were talking, the party passed by the apartment and we tagged onto the end. Again we ended up at the HCC where we had a huge dance party, yelling our praises about Obama. The party moved again, but quickly got broken up by the Evergreen police because it was around midnight.

Anyway, the day has been such a relief. It is 2 in the morning and the celebrating has been going on since 8. It is all so exciting and seeing people get so happy about something is incredibly inspiring. People are walking around just smiling. I have never seen that before... a smile on everyone I pass. Oh, I could write forever but I really need to sleep. I have seminar tomorrow (and massive studying to do) but luckily I did my seminar paper yesterday/this morning, cause there is no way it would get done tonight... well, I guess it isnt really night anymore, but anyway.

I am so excited though, I might not be able to sleep... even though I am about to collapse.
:D
This whole ordeal is exhilarating beyond explanation. I feel proud, and hopeful, and anxious. The first election I voted in has already become a historic landmark. Wow, what a feeling this is!

Election Day

I am honestly impressed with how some people can just flat out ignore the facts. The conversation is going along, and I throw out a fact, rather than opinion, and they either steer the topic to something else, or flat our SAY that they don't want to discuss this anymore. I don't understand the dignity in that, or the reason. They are afraid, they say, because Obama is "friends with a terrorist" and "might have terrorist values." They are scared that Obama is going to raise taxes on everyone, and their families are "already struggling enough." They wanted to vote for the person with more "realistic policies." Trust me, I had the appropriate response to all of those things, but of course, they wouldnt hear it. Luckily these "discussions" have been with people who are too young to vote in this election, but I am sure there are people who think just like them who have voted McCain unfoundedly.

So far there seems to be an overall lean toward Obama in the polls according to CNN news. As relieving as that is, it is not all too telling, especially after learning about statistics and understanding the possibility of error, especially in polling.

I think I have the flu. And I need to study for my midterm, but all I want to do is follow the election.
Hmm, I will update later.

All politics aside, I have a feeling about him. His voice, his composure, his passion all give me the comfort that he understands me, and that he cares about the values of this country. Of course he isn't a "savior." That is not what a president should be. A president in this country should be a person who allows and inspires people to uphold the best of democracy, the best of themselves.
That is hope.

Beyond.

I actually feel 100% useless today.

I have no talents.
I have done nothing worthwhile.

I am just wasting people's space and time and resources.
I don't belong here, in this body, in this life.

What the fuck?!

Today has been SO. FUCKED. UP.

I can't even believe...





ahahahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm just gonna go insane.
See ya when I get back.

AAA

I can't believe i have only written 12 papers since the beginning of the year.
It feels like so much more.

I am sick of it already....


I should probably stay here and work. . .
But instead I might go watch Aladdin @ Annie's.


I need to get a job...

That has to be possible, but I can't even imagine having any less time than I already do.
I don't understand how Ariana does it.

reg-na

revo gni-kat si ti.





Now you know how I feel:
I can't understand myself, or anyone around me.
Everything is just so... backwards.

mmm...

Stephen Sondheim.
:)

Tonight's love affair:

Modest Mouse.

ob-mud

this all must be a joke, right?
I'm so angry at... something. Not just one thing, but many.
I just don't know what they are.

uhhm,

this:

is the most wonderful thing in the world right now.

.

there is so much i don't know.

"its a cold and its a broken..."

today was not too wonderful.
the beginning was just sad,
and it progressively got better... but
i still don't feel good.
i feel like I should have been able to save that rat this morning.

meh,
I don't feel like playing soccer tomorrow
and I don't want to get committed to it if there is no chance I can handle both school and soccer.
besides, I'm here to change the wo...
err...
wait...
what am I doing again?


I feel so lost and alone again.


"...hallelujah"

Lullabies

"Was there a time we weren't at war;
when we knew what our hearts and hands were for?
I don't believe there ever was."

that's the shit.

and Lindsey's was the only response worthwhile. Surprise, surprise.

...ha

you're responses disgust me.

honestly... it's not like i expected anyone to understand.

Why....

I don't see how someone could ask me why I hate people. But here it is:


some "friends":: you use me when you need me, take advantage of my house, desert me because I made a mistake, and when i need help more than anything. All of this after I have constantly stuck by ALL of you, kept my doors open to you, and pour my time and energy into helping and entertaining you. I throw parties for you. I stay up late to make sure you are okay when you have problems. I'm so fed up with not being respected. with giving people the benefit of the doubt and being disappointed.


some other people: drunk and druggie idiots who not only try to be better than everyone else, but honestly believe that they are. no compassion. no thought beyond personal motives. no conscience. no morals. no reason. only care solely about being "cool."


some people in general: overambitious, overconfident, no regard for other creatures or the environment. no ability to see beyond what is right in front of us. greedy. lustful. cruel. sarcastic. self-righteous and completely unaware that perhaps there are more important things than the convenience of our own little lives.

we all have this immense fucking potential... and so few of us take it.


It's all bullshit.


I don't see why we deserve to live.

Woooords.

My professor was talking about liberal democracy today... well, along with all the previous systems, and one of his random (Socratic) questions was "would you want to live in a totalitarian system?" Having lived in one (Mount Si) I was repulsed by the idea of returning to that, ever. Literally, before he could even finish the word "totalitarian" Mount Si popped into my head.

If I was at that school this year, I would publish that paper and distribute it without the fucking "editing" (censoring). I would get expelled if I had to. It makes me just boil inside to think about the injustice there. What is the first amendment? Okay... well, if I get more started than I already am, I might hitchhike up there tonight and burn the school down myself. I hate all the bullshit last year: Big deals out of little things, no actual response to anything that mattered (by the administration at least). The best thing that came out of that school were the people who never conformed to the bullshit: Quinn, Kristin, Heidi, McCormick. The people who fought for what was right, against the system of control.

The school has an agenda. They want to focus to be on learning, yet they take the real learning experiences and try to keep them out of the school, and even out of the valley. So the school doesn't care about actual education. They care about their reputation in the valley, in the state of Washington, in the nation. Meh, it sickens me.

Words are so powerful. That is why people are afraid of them. The administration is so afraid of words because eventually someone will reveal the truth; all they care about is their own authority, their own power.


I could write all night. But, I have drained my fight for the evening. Now I am going to go read. Most of the reading in this program is so enlightening, and the way it connect statistics with environmentalism with history with politics with novels with philosophers with my life... it is so perfect. Remember, I am all about synchronicity (even if it is only a word in some dictionaries).


--------------
PS. Another thing about words. Definitions: definitely important, but taking a word like marriage and trying to maintain its original meaning today is ridiculous. Everything changes. And marriage has been a term that has been used to describe non-religious unions for many years now, thus trying to attach a biblical meaning to it now based on mere personal bias, is incredibly appalling.

...Soon.

I will make time to write something meaningful here. I will. Tomorrow perhaps. I want to write something inspiring, like I use to. I will again...

It makes me sad.

I guess there were just things today that really got to me emotionally. Come to think of it... well I have been more internally emotional. I can't express things here like I can at home. I keep trying to think of what Ben (Joselyn) wrote in my yearbook:
"As we all bend under the suppression of our societies, you seem to take the blows standing. Not unphased, not unaffected, but injured with integrity. Inexorably true to yourself, you let the world hurt you when others run to masks, shells, or other fake and cowardly visages."

I hope I am the person he is talking about...
I mean, I was. But AM I still?

The world is changing me, that's for sure.
(Am I fighting it?)



What I was saying before:
Seminar today, just really fucked me mentally. A combination of that: -such a passion to help the world, conflicted with the idea that humans perhaps don't even have a right to live anymore, especially if they can't live without destroying --along with this: Orin talked about life today, on a level that I haven't considered for a good while (though I have before). ---and then finally this: reading about the formations and cycles of the planet, which basically made me realize that I am fighting this environmental fight on both fronts, in some sense.

These thoughts and emotions, especially combined just make me 1) want to quit school and just travel the world. 2) want to shut off all the lights in my room and cry all night. 3) or just completely ignore the range of possibilities and truths.

In so many ways, I just wish I could be in Rwanda with Becca, or trade her spots when she wants to leave.


I want to meet someone who makes me feel like I am not alone.


Talking to Orin today got me thinking about my writing. I decided to go back and read my first blog site. It is not a happy thing to do. I was smart but I was ignorant, and I was angry, but I was happy. That time was just when everything came to this point where I started off in the direction to change the world. I just... I don't know. It depresses me even more to see all the people who didn't believe in me.
It does make me think how much peoples perceptions of me changed it was from Freshman to Senior year, and how that could happen again. Maybe, if I stick it out here I will eventually change some lives just like I did in high school. But right now, the combination of everything is just too overwhelming. And to think there is going to be 8 and a half more weeks of this... if not more... I just don't know if this is a burden I can bear.

And unfortunately, my source of happiness throughout most of 2008 (the happiest period of my life since 5 years ago) seems to be fading more and more each day.

The _ word.

I'm really just hoping for a pleasant sleep. I didn't mean to scare myself with that movie...
ew.

Its late... I need to sleep. I don't want to wake up too late tomorrow.



The monotony and pointlessness that I was trying to avoid is catching up with me. Maybe I will go read outside tomorrow.

I miss my munkey already....

::

(Click pic to view larger image)

Combine.

2 nights ago I was experiencing a breakdown.

Here's part of what I wrote in my journal that night::

I called my mom. She started asking stupid questions and I started answering angrily. She sighed kinda painfully and said: "I was just having a dream where you were talking to me like that." She told me about it and it went like this: I had a camera and I was attached to it. I was carrying it around and it was bothering me and stressing me out, and I was just so attached to it and desperately didn't want to let it go. My mom was with me and she noticed my frustration and said, "You've been carrying it around all day and you have taken plenty of pictures. Why don't you just set it down and relax?" All I could say was "You don't understand, you don't get it!" She was trying to calm me down and then I started saying "Its all lies."

The dream was scary real to me, even though it wasn't my dream. It revealed some things about me to her mind. Things which I never had never revealed to her myself...

Perhaps they are things that she has subconsciously figured out through my calling her in the middle of the night sobbing and begging to come home.
But, it is kinda a blast from the past, sobbing like that. A few years ago that was a frequent thing. Even like 10 months ago it wasn't a rare occurrence.

this is getting...

ridiculous.


you are so detached.

everyone else sucks.

fuck it. i want to write about something meaningful.

Oh...

And that last post didn't really mean to be as depressing as it sounds. I am just annoyed with some of my current and former surroundings (as in people).

But I don't mean to complain. I have at least 5 people who actually do uphold my faith in humanity.

Alone again.

This weekend was good. It was nice to get away from here, and especially to see my family and Matt. They are my favorite people, and they have never let me down.

My program (class) starts tomorrow. I hope there are some good people LotAD with me. There is already Nyg and Ben, which is going to be interesting as a combination. I just want to meet people I can relate to more. Nyg drives me crazy cause he can be so mean sometimes and I honestly can't stand his nanchalantness about it. Like, he already knows I am struggling here, and he just has to make it worse by being a jackass half the time.

I should sleep. I have more to rant about (like how some of my friends in the valley completely disrespect me and everything I have done for them by fucking eachother in my house, even when I specifically ask them not to. ...Yea, its bull. But now at least I am out of there, and over here where a-whole-nother group of people can toy with my life.) But i am going to sleep. Class isnt until 1pm on Mondays, but I need to start changing my schedule.

--

I'm locked outside this world that they all know.

no really...

i think i am the most boring teenager ever....

I am small...

and yet, I wish I were smaller.

...Sometimes I wish I were a chinchilla, or a puppy, and I could be little and I could spend my days in someone's arms, and make them happy just because I was cute and cuddling with them.

And I think there are people who are happy just because I am in their arms, but sometimes I wish that's all there was, because then I think I would feel better.

I want a chinchilla. I think I could possibly get away with it. But the only way I would do it is if I had 2 so they could keep each other company. But I don't have $300 + to spend on animals, or time to take care of them.

I wish I could have a cat that would cuddle with me and keep me company and listen to me spill my heart out. But just listen, and not judge. And cuddle with me even if I was just rambling.

I wish I were smaller. Then maybe the pressure of the world wouldn't focus so much on me.

Strength.

I am different.
Most people try to be different.
I am just different.
Sometimes I wish so badly that I could feel normal once in a while; that I wasn't constantly so conscious of myself, and could just give in a little, like everyone else.

But seriously...
Am I the only person who doesn't smoke pot or drink simply because I don't want to? And additionally because it is damaging to human health? And also because it makes them stupid.
Other people refuse it due to religion, or a moral code. That isn't me. I don't even know what true morality is, and religion.. that is just so far beyond my ability to grasp.

For some unknown reason though, I was given a conscious, and I actually give a fuck about what I do to my body.

Oddly, the irony there --that I am the minority-- is slightly fucking pathetic. And I am completely disgusted with the idea that BECAUSE I don't use drugs or drink alcohol (or have sex, I might add), I am initially (and lastingly) viewed as some sort of sheltered, prude, weirdo.

And furthermore, aren't we students here supposed to be the ones who actually care about the planet and all its turmoil. It's no wonder there is so much taboo around this school, and around "liberals" in general. I mean, how the fuck are we supposed to expand our capabilities as compassionate and intellectual beings, let alone attempt to make small changes in the world, if we are destroying our bodies and minds.

What is it that draws so many? Its 'recreational.' Its an 'escape.' Its a 'social thing.' Its what's 'hip.' Its better than doing 'this.' It helps with 'that.' Its 'natural.'

Well, whatever the reason, I personally don't care. I just feel sick that I came to this school expecting much more open-mindedness and self-awareness than I have so far encountered. If you delve into it, the issue is hypocrisy at its finest. Nearly as bad than Ken Hutcherson's preachings. Some of these people eat organic food to improve the wellness of their lives, and then turn around and destroy their lungs and their brains. Others advocate for the rights of all people to live freely and in a safe environment, and then turn around and drive drunk threatening the lives of people who so assuredly deserve their safety and right to live. And others still fight to reduce the spread of STDs, AIDS and other illnesses, yet turn around and fuck the next person they meet thus risking the spread one of those same diseases.

But, just because decency, healthfulness, and consciousness isn't the favored lifestyle doesn't mean I am going to change. I can handle being outcast, or thought of as a loser/freak.
I am just different. And thusly, I am rewarded; in a way few people would be able to appreciate.

Regeneration.

What is getting me through? It is not the constant "just stick it out, it will get better," or people telling me they understand when they don't. What is getting me though is this: In high school I felt so hopeless at times that I could make a difference in people, or anything really. And here, part of my problem is that I feel so insignificant, abnormal, misled, mistaken, that I am forgetting who I am, and how to embrace the qualities that I possess. I feel hopeless again and I suddenly don't have the strength of self that I once did. But luckily I opened up my senior yearbook today and the things that my friends (and even just acquaintances) wrote to me just really reminded me that who I am is important to many people. And it wasn't always. It took going through a lot of shit, taking punches from some of my best friends, having ever-replenishing amounts of forgiveness and faith in people, giving lifetimes of advice, and enduring hell, for most people to fully appreciate me. (Hmm, that isn't what I am really trying to say.) What I mean is, the people who wrote some really amazing words in my yearbook are people who spent time observing me, or trying to understand who I am. They saw me struggle and they eventually saw my values as admirable. (Fuck, I can't explain it.) But some of what people wrote is really what gives me even the smallest bit of hope at my endeavor here at Evergreen. I wanted to re-post some so as to remind me more often of who I am capable of being, and what I am able to change, and in rereading, I will see and remember that I have already been it and done it before.

"You've inspired me to change when I had solified myself." -Matt

"Thank you for reminding me how to live, how I want to live. I'm sure I'll never figure out who I am, but at least I get to see reflections of myself in people as beautiful as you." -Emily

"I have never met someone who I have so much faith in, and who has so much potential. ...Next year when you open up your yearbook on a random day, I hope you realize how phenomenal you truely are." -Kristin

"As we all bend under the supression of our societies, you seem to take the blows standing. Not unphased, not unaffected, but injured with intergrity. Inexorably true to yourself, you let the world hurt you when others run to masks, shells, or other fake and cowardly visages. ...I know you'll be successful, for success is based on criterion, and on all the criterion I find important, you succeed." -Ben

"I don't simply love you because you have always been there for me. I love who you are. I love the combinations that have brought you into the person you have become." -Alicia

"I think out of all the people I have come to know, I am going to miss you the most." -James

"You're one of my favorite people at this school. One of the few that gives me hope for the future. Whatever you go on to do in life, I know you'll succeed." -Quinn

"I am honored that I get to be your friend, and I know that my life will never be the same because I've known you. You are such an incredible human being. Don't ever let the world squash yourself out of you. You are too special to be influenced by all the yuckiness surrounding your beauty." -Heidi

I need to go...

to a mental institution.
For people who can't grow up in their minds.

Or,
I need to dream forever...
I think I was dreaming all day. I thought it was all a dream so I just went along with it... And then I woke up, and it was all still happening. Maybe I could just dream for 4 years, and then wake up and pretend it didn't really happen.
Or maybe I will still wake up, in my own bed, and Matt will be next to me, and it will be some twisted alternative universe where there is actually something I could do that would be productive and make me happy at the same time.

I'm done. I'm done.

Lost.

I honestly do not know what to do...

This doesn't feel right.
I'm sick of the campus already,
I can't relate to anyone. And the fact that they all respect each other and me, just doesn't make up for the fact that I don't fit in.
Even the people I know, I don't know anymore.
The only thing that is right is my room. If I could stay in here and read all day and not have to deal with anyone else... I would. I could live in this room if the school didn't come with it.
And as much as I felt ostracized, used, and disrespected in the valley, as much as I hated Mount Si, this is worse, because these people are older, and I am SUPPOSE to be able to relate to them. I've waited so long to find people who aren't so caught up in drugs, alcohol; who don't try to be cool/unique; who aren't manipulative or two-faced; who value their brains and don't knowingly destroy them.

I feel so out of place.
But even if I could leave, there would be no where else to go.
I almost just want to be locked up in my tower, and stay safe forever. I don't feel safe here. I don't feel loved here. And I can't afford to lose the happiness that took so long to gain.

This morning I felt great about it, and excited and everything was perfect, but now I can't even begin to imagine spending an entire year here, let alone FOUR years.

And if i don't stay here, what do I do?
I can't stay in the valley; I don't want to travel because I want to be close to Matt, there is no other school. School altogether, anywhere, right now just seems... impossible to bear. But I need it to get where I want to go... And the place I want to go is only that, because I don't know what else to want.

I absolutely hate this.
I want to be 5 again, and just stay that way forever.

Uhg.
I can't even explain how this feels.

{{Today's letter is...}}

today was... well, interesting.

heated convo about "marriage" and gay rights, with grandma and mom. :/ luckily i just happened to have the holy book itself near me at the time The [Poisonwood] Bible (by Barbara Kingsolver), and it lent me some wisdom much needed to not explode in the face of such hypocrisy, at the hands of: 1- an unwavering believer in The [other] Bible and 2- someone with enough adacity to argue, not on the "spiritual morality" of the debate, but on the mere definition of the word.


Then, later, I started getting cramps... and yea, everything that follows.

Had 3 different people shoving 30 pairs of glasses in my face along with an onslought of opinions.

Didnt eat (everything there is to eat is practically to unhealthy to bear, not to mention.. well i don't even want to go into what happened in my search for something edible.)


Anywhoo... during the day i felt pretty miserable about everything that was going on... which i partially blame on pms and pain. But I'm not saying it was a bad day, and i certianly dont mean to complain about my life. but, it was simply a very... unique adventure with my Grandma, mom, and sister.

alas,
i found well fitting, nice looking glasses,
got a towel set for my dorm,
finally settled on a delicious b&w hot chocolate for some energy,
and basked in some of the most delectable music my ears have had the pleasure of hearing (the everfaithful and fulfilling Death Cab of course).

{{G. as in God, G-ma, Gay, Green, Grouch, Grumpy, Gusto, Groove, Gee...ect.)

I like today!

Wonderful things about today::
(in no particular order)

- Getting switched into the Single dorm which I wanted so badly!
- Petting the kitties. Especially Porky!
- Holding the chinchillas!
- Watching that girl find and buy the perfect pet on a whim.
- Seeing Alicia before she leaves.
- Seeing Meagan before I leave.
- Finding really cheap scrap-booking material.
- Hearing that my Mom had a good day and is feeling better.
- Seeing my Dad seem fairly relaxed and content.
- Seeing Dan in Real Life which was wonderful.
- Helping Matt get stuff for his dorm.
- Spending the day with wonderful Matt.

It was just a really great day and I am truly happy. Plus I get to see my Grandparents tomorrow!

Dreaming

Almost all of them are Heroes...

My power.

Today I woke up on fire (when I finally woke up). Perhaps it had something to do with my dream about being a Hero. I was lightning, nuclear, explosive, electric. And Matt and I blew up a school. That is the dream in a nutshell, without detail or hint of meaning. But other than that, I just feel this energy building up in inside, and almost feel like I am going to actually explode. It is just this passion for something, everything, but it is unrecognizable and I don't know where or how to channel it into usefulness. In my dream, I made the school explode because I thought it harbored injustice and ignorance to the true world. But it was a new school -- a small one -- and I had attended it for a day. And when it was gone, I missed it (in a twisted sort of way). I can't reach the emotions that were coursing through me using words. But there were many, contradicting and complimenting. I was in trouble. And new Heroes with other powers kept popping up in those around me. And many of them were on the run, like me, but many of them were chasing us. There was no one to trust, and every word I spoke was a chance at being caught, though I couldnt help but spill my secret to a good 5 people. And Matt didnt remember, but somehow I dared not tell him the truth. My whole family was revealed as Heroes, and my own sister turned against me - her power restricting my own. Everyone I trusted was lost to me. Everything I knew was gone. But I had this energy building in me, for something bigger than these people could understand, for something that would contradict everything that everyone else had based their life on. I had so much power, and it was lost in my fear. And there was no one to tell me not to let fear control me; no one to encourage me. I want to say I was alone, but that isn't right. Nothing was right. Nothing would describe this accurately. And 'fear' is not exactly what had stopped me. Nothing was exactly anything. But there was this comfort that pervaded the dream, that only I felt. Everyone else backstabbing eachother, and looking over their shoulders. Powerless through fear, but comforted in my own ability to be strong against the odds? I don't know how to describe it. And I wish I could just play it back for you. It was more than a dream though, because I woke up feeling the same. I think I am a Hero. My power is this.

Update.

This morning was nice. We went to Zoka for coffee and cocoa, and then went to the school for Wildcat Days at Mount Si so Becca could buy her yearbook and some other stuff. I got to pretend to be her guardian and sign all the forms and shit for her. :P But we spent like 2 hours there and went and visited Mrs. Sales at her house, saw G-Bow, and tormented Hagler (and offered him a ride home, which was apparently "indecent" or something like that.) Then we went to the bank and the Mongolian place. All in all, nice morning. Nice to spend time with Becca without fighting or worrying about stupid shit. And it was nice not to be alone, even though mom only started her surgery like an hour and a half ago. But yea. I feel better and I think Becca feels good too (besides the sickness of the stomach that we both got upon entering high school hell). So anyway, today is so far so good, and I am hoping it stays that way.

Balance.

I didn't sleep last night. I drifted off around... maybe 4:30 and then Matt woke me up and left at like 5? or something. I didn't sleep again for a long time...probably like after 6. Then I woke up at 7 and every half hour until 9. I was waiting for her to call me.

Today ... I'm just hoping for some balance, and good fortune.


People, be thinking about my mom. Your positive energy will help.

Me and Becca are going out to coffee this morning so we can be together during the surgery.

May it be...

I don't have the slightest clue where to begin.

Lets go like this: Mom, Dad, Becca, family, humans, animals, school, injustice, money, elections, friends, ect:


As far as I know, Mom has already had her first procedure which was this morning. Tomorrow she has the full surgery. I slept very little last night and I doubt I will sleep much tonight either. I am just worried because I realize that life is fragile. But I also know that my mom is strong; probably the strongest person I know. But that doesn't mean I am not afraid, because I am. I want to be there next to her the whole time, and I don't want to be 6 hours away if she needs me.
But she said she needs me here, to take care of the dogs, and Becca, and because I don't have a place to stay in Spokane because of the messed up hospital system. So I stay here. But I miss her more than I can say.

I haven't seen Dad truly smile, or really laugh, for a while. Last night, he looked terrible. Completely run down and stressed to no end. It breaks my heart...I just don't know how to help him except just stick around the house and get rid of anything that adds to the pressure.

Becca has been working ungodly (forgive the pun) hours each week to try to save enough money for her trip to Rwanda. But she has also been neglecting her family for not only work, but friends and church and whatever else. And then she has the audacity to call me a loser for not having a job, not having a car or driving. But I don't think she realizes that if I wasn't around the house all the time, it would probably just fuckin fall down along with this family. I feel like I am the fuckin glue holding the pieces together right now. I am. The dogs would die, the laundry would never get done, the house would burn down, and everyone would be far more miserable and stressed than they already are. But not only do I have to do all the work here, be available for anyone when they need my help, and put up with being criticized for living the way I think is right, I have to live with having no money for myself, or for college, and the guilt of unceasingly borrowing it from someone else. I'm just sick of her acting like she is better than me, never having time to help her family, and in more ways than one, offsetting my hard work with her inability to take responsibility for this household.

As for me, I am fucking jealous that Becca gets to go on this world-saving expedition and I don't. Everybody is like "wow, what an amazing and selfless thing to do." But goddammit, nobody cares that I write letters to the government and organizations around the world trying to fix the things I care about. Nobody gives a fuck that I am like the most energy conscious person I know and bend over backwards to make a difference trying to offset my carbon emissions including choosing to ride a bike somewhere rather than trying to find a ride in a car. No one thinks its amazing that I wouldn't hurt a fly, spider or ant on purpose and instead take the time to catch a spider from my room and put it outside instead of killing it, or free a hummingbird from the garage instead of letting it die in there. Or that I spend hours walking, brushing and playing with our PET dogs, who need attention which no one else gives them. Nope. Instead I am a loser with no job, no car, and I'm going to a "loser/stoner" college which I have no money to pay for. All I have to show for busting my ass in high school and bending over so the administration could fuck me, is a good GPA which means nothing, a couple credits for college, oh, a failed soccer career, and feeling like I missed out on all the fun. I am honestly sick of it, being judged and feeling so worthless. I have Matt, but lately I feel more like a burden to him than a girlfriend. My current default is "happy" which is a hell of a lot better than highschool and middle school, but everything is just too much right now, and for once, I would like to not feel like such a dissapointment.

Meh, the rest of this stuff I don't even want to write about right now. So anyway, I am just trying to be strong for my family, and hoping that everything will work out for them...us... because despite all of this and all the other problems we have, together we are the most amazing family I know of. I just want to keep it that way.