Jinxx 3

Continue.

2009-03-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

(to change and be changed)

jinxx554.blogspot.com

Lines and circles.

2009-03-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

How...is that...possible?

2 weeks... (that's a long time for break but...)
its how long she had to live when they found the cancer.
she was only a freshman.
...in high school.

what exactly do you do, if you know you are going to die soon?

(the power is going to die soon.)
(i keep typing.)

the storm outside mimics my heart.
pouring, a chaotic combination of raindrops and tears,
whirling around in the air.
the wind knocking life around. giving it, taking it.
thunder clashes, like the shock of knowing she will never...
she will never dance at prom, she will never graduate, she will never go to college, or travel the world.
she will never be as old as me. even as young as I am. She will never.

no, I didn't know her...very well.
no, she wasn't my "friend," but she was someone's best friend.
I, maybe, formally met her once. It doesn't matter.

We all wonder why...
is it chance that determines life and death?
is it greater purpose?
is it choice? do we will ourselves to life or death based on our decisions? if so, what decisions, and how are we to know?
is it some simple random sample? an experiment from something greater we don't know?
are we lab rats in a complex model?

when we die, do we die?
or do we live..
in a different form, in a different place?
do we cease to exist completely, our souls discarded along with our bodies?
do we go to heaven, or hell?
what is that anyway?
do we meet God?
or do we find out that we already knew him? in every person, blade of grass, thought, or theory?

i like to believe, that even though I was further along than them in life, and even though they will never see what I got to see, that now they are further along than any of us. Or that they are with us again in different form? or that, at least, that are at peace with the life they had, and whatever is to come.

(RIP Morgan.)

"At each end..."

I'm 100% not kidding when I say...

2009-03-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

I literally think I am losing my mind.

I have sufficient reason to believe I am suffering from short-term memory loss. My brain isn't fully functional.

Maybe it is a temporary thing, but I know something is wrong.

calculation:

2009-03-11T23:50:00.001-07:00

Jogging to U.S.E. in the moonlight > school.

making plans

2009-03-11T21:09:00.001-07:00

is a mistake.

I just need to

2009-03-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

chill the fuck out.

What the fuck

2009-03-11T13:30:00.000-07:00

was I thinking?! I can't chop wood!

.y .ti .laer ||| real. it. y.

2009-03-11T01:40:00.000-07:00

my mind and my body are probably trying to tell me something. . .

i don't eat, i don't sleep, i don't shower.
that was today.
over the past few weeks i have either had days like today or periods of time where i eat too much, sleep too much, and wash my hands and face constantly, but still hardly ever shower.
i've been crying every night.
my dreams are becoming uncontrollably mixed and confused with reality.
i'm too hot. then too cold. and it changes all too fast.
i've been cleaning like a crazy person.
i hardly care what i wear anymore.
i lose the day, sitting in front of the computer or the Tv. even though i hate it.
i've been making lots of lists, but keep forgetting to do things anyway.
i seriously feel isolated. even with human interaction, i feel distant and un-attentive.
i don't look people in the eyes anymore, (i hardly even listen to what they are saying).
i can't just plow through work like i use to; my ability to focus long-term is completely gone.
my procrastination has never been this bad.
i suddenly have this invincibility complex
and my self-esteem is bi-polar.
i'm hyper-aware, but un-focused.
i'm exhausted, but not tired at all. (i could easily pass out right now, or stay awake all night without an effort. i feel like i could run a marathon without an effort, but the mere thought makes me want to lay in bed all day and recover from the run i didnt take).
i'm even clumsier than normal.
i look at things, recogonize them, mentally acknowledge them, but still feel like i'm not seeing them as they are.

do i sound crazy yet? or is all of this normal for you?
it isnt normal for me.

oh, one more thing. a good thing at least:
i have this heightened desire to create (and decorate);

to be creative beyond my acknowledged ability.

i don't know what this all means, or if it means anything at all. i just feel like i'm being spun around really fast so that everything in me going haywire.

can the world...

2009-03-08T21:29:00.000-07:00

cut me a break?

today just sucked. especially the end. oh, wait, the end isn't near, because i have the REDO my whole paper.

anyway, after Matt left, I headed up to the Greenery to eat lunch and it was closed. I tried to cook lunch at the apartment but I couldn't because the kitchen was such a disaster, and there were no clean dishes. I did my part, my chore, cleaning the counters, wiping everything down, putting the clean dishes away (multiple times this week), and i even took the trash out, and swept the floor, which were not part of my job. But then there were so many dirty dishes there was no way I could even start cleaning them cause the sinks were so full. And so there was no way I was going to be able to cook anything, so, long story short, i was starving.

Then in the library, after I finally got food, and after Nina and Ben had left, some girl knocked my USB drive and kinda popped it sideways. I took it out to push it back into place, and put it back in and it worked fine. so i saved my paper onto it. then, saved my paper onto the computer (i thought on my MASU, but apparently not). Then I headed down to lower campus to scan something for Nygil. I came back up to the library for a study session (that nobody else showed up for). After doing some other work and taking a nap while waiting, i decided to head down to my room to finish the paper i had been working on in the computer lab. When I got down there I noticed I didn't have my USB drive (in my hurry to help Nygil and get back to upper campus I left it in the computer lab). I thought, "fine, I'll just take a nice jog back up, grab it, and jog back down to finish the paper." Well, I jogged up, and saw it wasn't in the computer I had been using, so I went to the desk, and they had it, but the guy said he had tried it and it wasn't working. I decided to try it in a computer, and he was right, it didn't work. So then I went and searched on Masu and found the very beginning of my paper, but nothing close to what I had last saved. The guy on the computer that I had been on before let me search that one, on his account, but that didn't work. So now I have to wait until he logs off to see if somehow it is on the computer, on my account.

If it isn't, I'm gonna lose my mind.

I'm exhausted. We have another stupid test tomorrow.
And I'm living in this state, recently, of just utter confusion about myself, and the world as a whole.
I don't know what to do right now.

I just need to get through this week, but right now, that doesnt even seem like a realistic endeavor.

This week:
Bill Tracking paper (tonight)
Review for test (tonight)
Do self-eval, teacher evals, program eval (by Friday)
Do a number on my Research Design, and get it ready for presentation (by Thursday)
Figure out what I am doing next quarter and register (by Wednesday)

I feel better now that I have written it all out. But nothing annoys me more than having to redo stuff that I put alot of effort into (like that stupid statistics test last week).

...
sorry, i just got stunned.
...wtf?
I didn't know something like could make me see stars.
(Oh, and speaking of being stunned, my dreams in the past two nights, have been so shocking and bizarre, like I couldn't even explain.)

well, now I'm crying. in the middle of the fucking computer lab.
But, I was knocked back to life for a second and think I have some motivation now.
I'm just gonna have to start over; chill out, suck it up, and start over.

woah...

2009-03-07T00:58:00.000-08:00

literally like 4 people just bombarded me asking for advice all at once. I am perfectly happy to help everyone, it was just like... wow! kinda intense, because it happened so fast.

i guess it is a bad night for people. :(
I'm sorry everyone.

you will be better.

all of you.
and me too.

so we need to remember that.
it will be okay.

Sunshine.

2009-03-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

drained. so fucking drained.
smack me with your skateboard kid, as you pass me.
knock me with your elbow other guy, as you walk by.
wake me up.
shake me to life.

i'm tired.

i need conversation. substantial conversation.
Not about alcohol. not about school projects. not about registration.

I wish someone could see me,
talk to me
shake me awake.
to life. out of this haze. this phase?
i don't know, at all.

I can't even hear you anymore.
Its all noise. Meaningless.

Maybe its this place; These people.
Or maybe its me.
Or an incompatibility between the two.
Whatever it is,
it drains me. Of life. of time. of meaning.

I will find something.
It will be like a bolt of lightning,
a jolt. of life, into time, into meaning.
That's maybe what I need.

-----
sunshiny today
"sunshine in a bag"
"lost in the sun, can anybody find their home?"

bullshit.

2009-03-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

i got 3 hours of sleep last night.

they fucking canceled tomorrows field trip today. :...(
and replaced it with 5 hours of class, along with a second statistics final. wtf?
so basically, tomorrow is gonna suck.

went to the academic fair and fell in love with Ecology and the Built Environment,
but i can't take spanish...
so that screws that up.

and this scheduling decision-making is killing me.

i want to just pass out and forget everything, but i need to work on shit, and... uhgg. trying to figure out what i want for next quarter.

right now, today, i am just hating evergreen. :/

losing my immunization form.
putting ariana through all the meal plan shit.
not offering classes that work together.

on the bright side, seminar was pretty good today, considering we got to go to Martha's house and she cooked us a buffet of mexican food. then we chilled and played cards instead of discussing the seminar book. so that was good.

anywho.. im gonna go lay on my bed, and if there is any work i can do from there, it might get done. but i might just pass out.
with any luck, i will have a good dream about the field trip since it isn't happening anymore.

.

2009-03-04T02:42:00.000-08:00

i feel broken

tired

disgusting.

yea. i am disgusting myself, with my inability, my inconsistency.
i un-think, over-think, rethink.

i only know so much. okay?
i only know that i love you.
and i only know myself well enough to know something.
i don't know exactly what that something is. but i tell you what i do know, even though there are no actual words to express it.

i hate myself for causing you any pain. it makes me want to disappear.

gah, i am just so tired.
i'm falling apart.

My life through music.

2009-03-03T17:39:00.001-08:00

Assignment: Think of 25 albums that had such a profound effect on you, throughout the various times in your life. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of musically shaped your world. When you finish, tag 25 others, including me. Make sure you copy and paste this part so they know the drill. Get the idea now? Good.

No being cool here -- which albums have you actually listened to thousands of times?
Readers should feel free to guess (or ask) why particular albums are there.

1. "Something About Airplanes" & "We Have the Facts..." - Death Cab for Cutie [8th and 9th grade. still two of my favorite DCFC albums. for up and down times.]

2." The Photo Album" - Death Cab for Cutie [this one has a different feeling for me, but i listened to it heavily in 8th and 9th grade along with the two above.]

3. "Transatlanticism" - Death Cab for Cutie. [9th grade. nonstop, obsession. snowboarding.]

4. "Plans" - Death Cab for Cutie. [summer before sophomore year. tony.]

5. "Narrow Stairs" - Death Cab. [Matt. Senior year. good point of my life.]

5. "Alive 2007" - Daft Punk. [senior. good dance times. so much greatness.}

6. "Busted Stuff" - Dave Matthews Band. [i listened to this a lot in 7th grade, when Jasmine gave me the album. it was full of pain, and i was highly unhappy because my mom was always gone.]

7. "Let Go." - Avril Lavigne. [7th grade. soccer trips, on which we listened to "sk8er boi" so much my dad learned the lyrics,... walking to the bridge. moving...]

8. "Mesmerize" and "Hypnotize" - System of a Down. [10th grade. Tony and i were hooked and went to the concert at key arena.]

9. "Waking the Fallen" - Avenged Sevenfold. [this is what me and tony would listen to in his room, every day after school in 9th grade while we played video games or cuddled.]

10. "Take off your Pants and Jacket" - Blink 182. [on the way to summer camp with Danne, Caitlin and Jasmine. on road trips to portland with my mom in middle school.]

11. "Blink 182" [Tony, before and after]

12. "Drunk Enough to Dance" - Bowling for Soup. [8th grade. :P so hardcore.]

13. "X and Y" - Coldplay [visiting Oregon. being so lost. end of 10th grade. hell. tony... losing tony.]

14. "Eiffel 65" [5th grade end of the year dance party. bringing a boombox over and playing basketball at the neighbors house. --names? rick and nancy? don and jan?]

15. "Fallen" -Evanescence [moving. crying. Kody.]

16. "American Idoit" -Green Day [Tony. I got it for xmas and listened to it while playing Super Mario Sunshine. Also went to the show in some arena north of seattle with Tyler, and Tony.]

17. "Razorblade Romance" -HIM [exactly what it says. darkest parts of my life..and i was happy there too. one of the only albums i still can't listen to without crying...]

18. "The Great Milenko" -Insane Clown Posse [hahaha...so bizarre...but that was 8th grade. Me and Tony at Steven and Jason's house playing Backyard Wrestling. Caitlin.]

19. "Hopes and Fears" -Keane [ehh, that had to be 10th grade. listened to it non-stop. i was so in love with the sound of it. saw Keane at Deck the Hall Ball w/ Modest Mouse, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand right when they were all about to explode into their giant success. except... Keane. But i still love em!]

20. "Meteora" -Linkin Park [when i was about to move from Oregon in 7th grade. i was so angry. so depressed. that was just the beginning though...]

21. "The Spirit Room" -Michelle Branch [I remember walking Peekaboo this one day. we walked all around Sunriver, up to Fort Rock, tennis courts, down to the bridge...we went to see the lunar eclipse, which i dont remember staying for. but we did see the sunset. i was listening to this album the whole time. it was one of the most beautiful days of my life.]

22. "Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge" -My Chemical Romance [i really appreciated the music.. and listened to it all the time, at Tony's house, and for some reason it reminds me of Bend... i donno.]

23. "The War on Errorism" -NOFX [tony. fun times. he use to have a dance to the Anarchy Camp song. haha.]

24. "Indestructible" -Rancid. [8th grade. it reminds me of Justin and Buzz, especially 'Fall Back Down.']

25. "No Pads, No Helmet...Just Balls" - Simple Plan. [ahahahaha. wow. yea, reminds me of road trips back to Oregon with Mom.]

well fuck... I'm not even close to done yet.

26. "North" and all Something Corporate albums up to it. [9th and 10th grade. lots and lots.]

27. "All Killer No Filler" -Sum 41. [totally 7th grade. all the time.]

28. "Give Up" -Postal Service [10th grade. it was my chill out, and breathe, music.]

29. "We Don't Need to Whisper" - Angels and Airwaves [came out right before Tony left me. it really inspired me to be okay.]

30. "The Shade of Poison Trees" -Dashboard Confessional [driving with Matt.]

31. "The Real Slim Shady" & "The Marshall Mathers LP" [7th grade. 8th grade. i really enjoyed. now i really appreciate it.]

32. "Flyleaf" [summer after 10th grade. still missing Tony. it helped.]

33. "Light Grenades" -Incubus [Matt]

34. "Make Yourself" -Incubus [Nygil]

35. "In Between Dreams" and "Sleep through the Static" -Jack Johnson [NOW! I am sooo obsessed. snowboarding, its what i listen to]

36. "Grace" -Jeff Buckley [Josh...]

37. "Cross" -Justice [senior year. it helped me survive. especially the concert!]

38. "Satellite" - POD [inspiration throughout highschool. mainly the first half.]

39. "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out" -PANIC at the Disco. [Mexico! warmth. revenge. fun. . .]

40. "Dark Side of the Moon" -Pink Floyd. [uhh... life. but mostly Junior year, which was hell, and this album was my heaven.]

41. "Stadium Arcadium" -Red Hot Chili Peppers [Nygil. Oregon. obsession.]

42. "We are Pilots" - Shiny Toy Guns [senior year. driving in Brian's car home from school.]

43. "Dan in Real Life Soundtrack" -Sondre Lerche [Matt. totally wonderful point in time.]

44. "Act I & II" - The Dear Hunter [thoughts. senior year.]

45. "How to Save a Life" -The Fray [a bundle of things are reminded of: Nygil. Kody. and being completely alone.]

46. "Wincing the Night Away" - The Shins [Matt & our sleeping lessons.]

47. "The Alchemy Index" -Thrice [this pretty much defines my life and world view.]

48. "U.S.E." - The United State of Electronica [good times with Nathan, Amanda, Zak and Alex.]

49. "Twilight Soundtrack" -various [this is just something i listen to a lot currently, and really enjoy.]

50. "Into the Woods Soundtrack" -Stephen Sondheim [pit orchestra, the end of me and Tony's relationship.]

yup. that was a bit overkill. but that is a good majority of my life, as lived and defined through music. ^_^

i just,

2009-03-03T03:08:00.000-08:00

i want to run away.

"the remnants of a shooting star landed directly on our broken down little car, before then we had made a wish that we would be missed if one or the other did not even exist."

how deep is it?

2009-03-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

the puddle? it looks really deep. and i want to step in it.

It doesnt matter.

Today is different. was. the Sky was different. there was rain. with thin clouds, that let just enough light through to remind me of some where else, some time other.
California. That is what it reminded me of.
Speaking of California, James is on his way. Actually, he is probably just about there by now. It wasnt as hard to say goodbye to him as I thought, and maybe that is because of the possibility of him coming back for a while, or maybe it was because he makes me so mad. Or maybe it was just because I know it won't be forever. In any case, it was easier than expected.
What was hard though, was saying goodbye to my mom this morning. I probably won't see her for 3 weeks or so, and that bothers me. I like seeing her every weekend, and... I am slightly worried about the dangers of this job she is doing. *shakes head* she will be fine. She always is.

Well, today is different.
the sky.
james left
and, i didnt have my paper done on time (strange for me).
i feel different.
i'm quiet again.
i'm okay with being here though, for once.
and tonight, i am actually going to have fun (girls night with Aja).

last night. stayed up til 4. or later. working on paper, hanging out with alicia, talking.
it was nice. i really like spending time with her. she has no expectations of me, and we just talk, or not talk, but we spend good, quality time together. and it is peaceful.

the dream last night.
(just the thought gets my heart racing)
I was hardly half asleep.
there were these colorful bubbles. ... not bubbles. balls. ... not balls. spherical clouds, that weren't permeable like clouds.
whatever they were, these spheres, were moving around in these lines, and multiplying. and whoever was controlling them, was evil. and scary.
this musical tune i had never heard, yodeling. on repeat. trying to trick us into believing this was okay, and happy. not ominous.
but it was scary. and the music hypnotized me, and the others. it took control.
the spheres, kept multiplying and moving in these circular motions, and patterns around this screen.
suddenly, we were part of it. they were surrounding us. multiplying and closing in. it was fast, but slow motion, because i had time to think about what was happening. we were about to be suffocated. we? i was about to...
everyone else, they were gone. already enveloped by these now white bubble-spheres which were slowly closing in on me. cocooning me, from the bottom up.

I remember last, seeing the sky disappear. just this one open patch that closed slowly enough that i could glimpse the bright blue sky, and try to remember.

but then it was dark.

I jolted awake, but stayed laying with my eyes closed. "that was weird"

but then, recollecting the claustrophobia, and the last of the sky I shot up and opened my eyes, only to find more darkness.
it was closing in. i was still stuck.
slowly my eyes adjusted, and i found the familiar shapes of my room in the dark, but they were still closing in.
i panted, and stood up, unthinkingly, and flung the door open to escape the room.
the hall was even smaller, and i ran down it, trying to find some place that would open up.
at the end of the hall was the loft area at the top of the stairs which opens into high ceilings.
upon feeling this openness i quickly averted in the guest room. this room is small. but the walls weren't moving, and the moon-light on the wall that i had lit for the kitties, woke me up.
i stood there in the doorway, dazed.
bells. the cats were by my parents door. "good. im not alone anymore."
but without seeking more comfort in them, i turned back down the hallway to my room.
took a sip of water, to try to jolt my mind back to full consciousness (if you want to call it that).
i sat back, and shut my eyes but quickly had to change plans because the darkness of the cocoon was still there.
i had to keep my eyes open.
told my story to Alicia, to try to find some more solace in this reality.
... well. "that's crazy" she said. "just before you got up, i had this strange, overwhelming bad feeling of evil around me."

i don't remember anything else.

Ewoks!!!

2009-02-26T22:34:00.000-08:00

I found this on someone else's blog.

This is how I wanna live. XD

Something is happening.

2009-02-25T14:56:00.000-08:00

Change.
I've been feeling it vexing inside,
outside. The wind, the sun and the rain.
I know change happens all the time. But this is something bigger.
It will probably be nothing you or I can see, but that doesn't mean it isn't there.
I can feel it anyway.

Create.

2009-02-19T23:36:00.000-08:00

Fate.

So,

2009-02-18T19:57:00.000-08:00

I need a Death Cab concert. Now.
So I can scream these lyrics
at the top of my lungs.

"little swinger, your bottle is thinking too much"

2009-02-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

probably.
way too much.
for one person.

:/

2009-02-05T22:08:00.000-08:00

my mind is severely screwed up right now.
nothing is connecting.
i keep losing pencils too.
rather than having a brain in my head right now, i have mush.

someone needs to slap me awake.

Phone Draft. Dinner.

2009-02-04T00:38:00.000-08:00

#1
I'm so weak. But
It's hard. To write an essay in a strange house, with strange people. To focus when strange people are saying things that make you hate them. To hate them. To socialize with strange people you hate. To hate someone and not let them know. To not know someone and still hate them. To sit across from someone you don't know but still hate... while holding a steak knife for the steak you won't order.

#2
This is a small Box, where big dreams shrink to fit. your expectations. Egos don't shrink though. They don't need to. Big egos fit like Russian Dolls inside the small Box. Fit like millions of your dollar bills stacked face to face. Egos are not made of fluffy clouds shaped like dreams. Egos are flat. They fit in the wallet. They fit in the Box. But they don't fit in your head. They swell it up, like a reaction. My reaction: box me up, smaller, away from you. I hide in a box, from egos. And dreams don't fit.

February 2nd.

2009-02-02T00:08:00.001-08:00

February 1st.

2009-02-01T22:58:00.001-08:00

Its been a year since that night when everything converged,

and then it all fell apart.